I'd like to say my efforts have payed off. I got the call back today and my work schedule is filling out very nicely. To work 5 days a week at 2 different jobs is not an easy task to figure out, but it looks like it may work out, and at TWO bars instead of one...I am praying I will be able to begin sooner than later and therefore be able to begin digging myself out of the financial hole this new year has brought me.

The first $2,000 will go entirely to paying off Alex and getting my bank account back above negative status. Then I will start paying off the old tickets and whatever fees I have. Then Alex and I are going to go out for a fucking expensive and fantastic dinner, because he was the only person that stood by me throughout this entire difficult two months of hell Ive just endured. None of my other so-called "friends" took one step out of their regular days to even acknowledge the level of fucked I was at. Therefore they are not invited.

These past two months I would periodically tell myself "its going to be okay" but today is the first day that I actually see the okay part beginning. Perhaps it will be a good year after all.

Last night was a difficult night for me. Because of the difficult situations this year has already presented me with, I have been evaluating much of my life choices. This includes everything from people I choose to associate with, to my priorities, to career goals and even the way I plan out my days. I am not very good at being moderate so I am evaluating more than I can handle at one time. While I find this to be a very stimulating intellectual experience, it is very taxing on my nerves and emotional state of mind.

Nevertheless, it is where I am at this point in time. And last night's evaluative experience was a very exhausting one. I felt like there was absolutely not a soul left for me to trust. That this was my fault, because I had chosen all of these people to be around me. How could I be so stupid?

But let me stop myself. I went through much emotional turmoil as I realized these things. My ultimate decision was to focus entirely on my own life. To stop putting others before me, to stop taking other people's feeling and actions so deeply into consideration. It's the only choice I have at the moment.

I am starting today differently. I am making a conscious effort, every minute, to be doing what is best for ME...not for anyone else. To only consider my feelings and anticipate only my mood swings. To only try to make MYSELF happy, no one else. The only exception I am going to make (and this may very well be my downfall, who can say?) is for Alex.

I'm going to help my boss clean the bar today. It's opening soon and that means an end to this financial hole I've been in the past two months. Today is a good day, and I have to keep telling myself that.

So Ive decided to keep a blog again (for what seems to be the millionth time) but this time will be different! I hope. I've been looking through many different people's sites and I much more appreciate those that have a focused topic rather than a general rambling about their day. Well actually I like both types, they each have their good points. I will hopefully figure out a good focus, with little random ranting posts in the mix.

Alex replaces the lyrics to this Crystal Castles' song with the word "meow" in various tones and pitch. It's really cute and silly and addicting. He also does a dance to it, with moves that I can only describe as "mincing." It's funny I wish I could get a video of him doing it. The last time I tried to even take a picture of him when he was doing a silly pose to make me laugh, he almost killed me lol.

Super lazy bloody Saturday.

It's 5:18am and I cannot sleep. I tried earlier but Alex's snores keep me awake. I'm bging to my little heart's content.