Last night was a difficult night for me. Because of the difficult situations this year has already presented me with, I have been evaluating much of my life choices. This includes everything from people I choose to associate with, to my priorities, to career goals and even the way I plan out my days. I am not very good at being moderate so I am evaluating more than I can handle at one time. While I find this to be a very stimulating intellectual experience, it is very taxing on my nerves and emotional state of mind.

Nevertheless, it is where I am at this point in time. And last night's evaluative experience was a very exhausting one. I felt like there was absolutely not a soul left for me to trust. That this was my fault, because I had chosen all of these people to be around me. How could I be so stupid?

But let me stop myself. I went through much emotional turmoil as I realized these things. My ultimate decision was to focus entirely on my own life. To stop putting others before me, to stop taking other people's feeling and actions so deeply into consideration. It's the only choice I have at the moment.

I am starting today differently. I am making a conscious effort, every minute, to be doing what is best for ME...not for anyone else. To only consider my feelings and anticipate only my mood swings. To only try to make MYSELF happy, no one else. The only exception I am going to make (and this may very well be my downfall, who can say?) is for Alex.

I'm going to help my boss clean the bar today. It's opening soon and that means an end to this financial hole I've been in the past two months. Today is a good day, and I have to keep telling myself that.