Slowly moving through the difficult murky muck

When I'm restless I find I get this insane urge to go somewhere and do something. Usually I would do just that. With my current situation (transportation and monetarily handicapped) I tend to just try and zone out the restlessness with bgs or online fuckery or watching tv, or some other kind of activity that requires no money spending.

I like to leave my house but in my current neighborhood its best to stay indoors after dark.

Maybe I should spend this restless energy looking online for gigs for extra money, and look for a better place to live, where I can go outdoors if I choose to.

In better news, I did the recycling today; got some cash for my new work pants and transportation money for upcoming work. Job#1 not starting for another two weeks. Job#2 will hopefully start this Sunday. Relieved I have the cash to get the things I need to start these jobs on the right foot.

Oh I also have court tomorrow morning early. Alex will accompany me, and hopefully it will not be too painful. I am not accustomed to court dates. This will be my first one. I dont want to get used to the feeling. I am a nervous enough person without knowing I have to go stand before a judge. And be judged.

Roomate has posted some bullshit on facebook about honor and loyalty and if "you aint wid this then i cant fuckwitchu..." seriously in that way. Responded in kind, stating my view on the matter: sometimes the person you are trying to reach does not want to be reached. In such instances, it is best to stop wasting your energy.

I feel strange not bending over backwards trying to reconnect. This is a change for me and I am going about it, albeit awkwardly, but still going about it the best and most direct way I can. It is definitely liberating to focus on my own business, though a bit saddening it has come to this point. The main thing to keep remembering to tell myself is that I do not care. I cannot. Every time I care with this particular person it never gets better and never changes. Strange how this feels like a sexual relationship gone bad.

Now that I think about it, I should have just ignored the facebook post. I could always delete it. I dont really care to get involved. I will delete it. It doesnt matter. I am not trying to fight. I have to keep reminding myself that I do not have to involve myself. Even in a passive aggressive way, I do not need to involve myself. And anyway, facebook is so superficial. Well I will leave my posts up, its important to have myself out there. I do want her to know that i'm not interested in any kind of drama. I am just not interested. It doesnt get better.