So why am I pissing and moaning off about the topic of friends? Why has it been the single most distracting topic I've had in my mind, since oh, forever - but mostly nowadays?
I get attached to people. I appreciate people and they appreciate me and I get attached to them because of how they make me feel. I use their presence in my life to define myself.
This is a very deeply-ingrained habit of mine. It may be past the healthy stage. When I stopped being a bully at younger ages, I immediately became this way.
But recently Ive found the person that I clung to the most over the past 4 years, and felt happiest being associated with, has stopped making me happy. She is so busy, and hardly present in my life, both physically and mentally. I feel sad about it. Ive tried talking to her about it, tried telling her I miss her, that I feel our friendship is slipping, but she tells me she cares about me just as much as she ever did and that shes sorry shes been so busy but thats all it is.
By the way it affects me, you'd think we were in a lesbian relationship. We're not, we never have crossed that line. But we used to be a major source of strength for each other. Well she was for me. I like to think I was for her, but who really knows?
The difference now is that I no longer feel I trust her. I doubt she trusts me. And when we do talk I mostly feel she is distracted, by the way she cuts me off or stares off or just plain changes subjects, even when I am talking about things that do not involve the state of our friendship...
We used to do things together, used to have fun together, but now that has all changed. Now we are cramped in a house with 2 other people, digging for privacy of some kind that can only be achieved by not being in the house. My lack of privacy has caused me to retaliate and retreat into my room.
I stop here for now. The point is I feel I am losing a friend, and am only disturbed by it in the capacity that it makes the living situation uncomfortable, not for any other reason.
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