Mother's Day

Mother's day has not always been my favorite holiday. As a child I would shower my dad with gifts and love on Mother's day. Mom was not in the picture. As an adult, I am less inclined to really give a damn about either of my parents and have chosen to celebrate my grandmother this Mother's day, whether she likes it or not! After all she is the person that actually raised me. Dad wasn't a complete burnout or anything, but grandma was the person I spent the most time with. Dad was good about raising me like a boy though, teaching me to be independent financially and emotionally...wooping my ass when necessary, and sometimes when not so necessary...interestingly enough, our distance is a direct result of those independent lessons...which he resents to no end while I don't understand why he isn't more proud of me for being exactly the way he wanted me to be.

But I have to digress! This entry is supposed to be about exploring my feelings towards my grandma. Really I'd like to complain and re-hash all of my complex feelings towards my mother but I am denying myself that here. It's been done a million times and there are never any solutions that make sense or stick for me for very long. The only reason she is at the forefront of my mind these days is because she chose to come back into her children's lives right around mother's day. A couple days ago to be exact. She completely screwed up the vibe I had going with my lil sis and nephew and I am pissed about that. My sister's home was a sanctuary away from mom's chaos but now it's the center of her universe, and who knows for how long. If she has her way I'm sure it will be years to come. "Indefinite" is one of her favorite words and ways of being.

I am trying to digress! But I am so annoyed with her. And at the root of my annoyance is a fear that I will someday be as dependent on family and unable to stand on my own two feet as she is. I am deathly afraid of that happening. I do not want to be homeless, penniless, yet full of booze when I am her age. I do not want my children (if I have any) to completely dread our interaction because of the confusing feelings I cause them to have.

She is a hedonistic woman, and has always been. Her intelligence and charisma, loving heart is still there, but she chooses to use them for self-serving purposes. How can someone so selfish be so destitute? Is it even possible to be so self-absorbed and yet have nothing to show for your life? Fuck Coach bags and expensive shoes, how about a roof over your head? Fuck owning your home, how about just being able to rent an apartment that has a little love thrown into it?

My mind understands her. My mind knows she just chose the wrong men, and their lives became hers, their minds her own. She could not stay separate from them. I understand this because I have done this on occasion before as well. Luckily I am currently with a man that would not allow such bullshit. And because my mind understands her, I also understand how simple it would be to fall into the life path she has blazed. I have already surpassed her standards of living a thousand times and still I fear I am not quite out of the woods. Everytime I have to squeeze pennies to make rent, have past due amounts on bills, cannot afford furnishings for my home, my heart jumps in fear that I will be just like her one day.

To top it off, everywhere I look Mother's day is some huge hugfest. I do not feel that way and I never have. I have wanted to many times, trust me. I'd love to, but I don't. There is no reason to in my world. So that is why I have chosen to embrace my grandmother this year, despite her reticence. And yes she's not a heartless person, but she has had her share of raising children as well as grandchildren and she is not the cuddly type of grandmother at all.

I will see her tomorrow, and take my little sister and nephew to visit with her as well, so that they may get a little sanity in their lives. I can't imagine the feelings my sister is going through with my mom at her house. I would not take her in. I'm outraged that she has the gall to step into my sister's hard-earned sanctuary and set up camp. I hope she recharges her proverbial life batteries soon enough and gets back out on the street where she prefers to be anyway.