Last Night in the Bay

My mind asks, "what can I do to prepare for tomorrow's move?"

The moving procedure is going to be complicated precisely because we are trying to be simple and cheap as possible. We COULD just rent a bigass truck and haul everything down at once but no. We are taking 2 trips. The first trip is tomorrow. The second trip will be anytime before the first of February.

I have all the apartment viewings lined up starting 10am Sunday morning. Sunday will be a big day for checking out the potential new neighborhoods. I would be happy if we found a place that same day, but I also know the value of shopping around.

My years of experience bartending is helping me go into a neighborhood full of restaurants/bars with a bombass resume.

The car is empty and ready to be loaded tomorrow morning. It's been sputtering to life on ignition the past couple times we've used it, so hopefully it doesn't break down this week.

Everything is set and ready! Bank account is opened, money is secure, all e-bills have been switched from the local credit union account to the national bank account so I don't have to deal with any overdrafts on the cu account when I go to close it later this coming week.

I've been nervous about leaving the area I know well. It's not the best area but I know where to go when I need this or that. I know which clinics to go to and which to avoid...I had a sweet bar job...but now all of that is over. I will have to explore a new area with all of the knowledge I've accumulated out here. I know what bad is and what good is now.

All that is left to do now is sleep at a reasonable time and wake up early to start packing the car up. Then the drive down and an eventual arrival at a sanctuary also known as a family home. This is it!

Packing up the Apartment

I've been feeling a bit on the fence about leaving Oakland. In the bigger picture, it's the best choice for me for many reasons. But despite all of the bad, I'm still a bit sad about this move.

Today my guy and I were cleaning the apartment. He has seemed to have a delayed reaction throughout this whole moving thing and today was no exception. I noticed he was really quiet and I realized he was sad about leaving.

I called him over to me and gave him a hug. He said despite all the bs, we have a lot of good memories in this apartment over the last year and a half and he's sad to be leaving it. I told him we still have each other. We still have each other and we are the only people that stepped foot in this apartment over the last year (we didn't invite anyone over) which means we are what really matters. We are the reason this apartment has seen any life at all.

And that pretty much goes with my philosophy on life in general. Places and things come and go. And so do people. But people and the relationships we have with them are the most precious moments in life. They are what make up a great life! So even though I'm sad about this big change coming, I am going to a city full of family members and warm weather. Family can be dramatic and draining, but they are also an important lifeline.

And when I want to reminisce about my times in the bay, I can do it with someone that was by my side the whole time.

Cable Service Disruption

My internet and television service decided to die about 30 minutes ago. I called the company and a robot told me my area was experiencing a service disruption and to call back once the service was restored.

After simultaneously lol'ing and cringing at this message, I decided to tether for a little while. However, my apartment building gets horrible service (no higher than 2g).

Soooo glad that Ive kept up with searching for apartments and did not leave it until the last minute. I have no real need to be online, just that of a comfort level.

I am missing the Ravens/Patriots game though. Good thing I'm not a huge fan of either!

Snuggled in my bed now, I think about the move. The positive aspects of it... It will be great. I just have to stay positive and believe that I have the ability to make it a good thing.

Recreating my Comfort Zone in a New Area

Compiling all of this information about San Diego...

Doctors
Cheap tax preparation
Pho houses near the neighborhood(s) I am looking to live in
Public transit
Awesome bike trails
Continuous apartment searching
Job prospects

Basically trying to find the equivalent to all my go-to places in the bay area..

The most interesting thing I've found is that I keep looking for apartments in the 2nd choice neighborhoods. I know more about the places I don't really want to live, rather than the places I do. Is this because I am intimidated by moving into a nicer area?
I'm always looking for the best deal, and sometimes that includes compromising certain factors. For example, I don't mind dealing with a few homeless people near my apartment if I am paying $200 less for rent. Or do I? My whole standard of living has pretty much been shot since being out in the East Bay.

But forget that last negative statement. I want to live in a nice area, within my means. I need to be able to see myself comfortably going home alone at any given time. I could be ok stepping over homeless people going home alone...I could be ok with that. But I've been living that for the past few years and I think it's about time I tried something new.

Coupled vs. Single

Every time I am in a relationship I go into this mode where I constantly think about the future and creating/maintaining a family. I have no children. I make efforts to not get pregnant. But when I am coupled, every thought goes towards this end.

Am I making enough money and does my job provide benefits for this child? Do I live in a safe enough neighborhood for a child? Does this man I'm with exhibit good parenting qualities or at least the potential? Can I handle being a mother and woman to my spouse and myself? These thoughts and many more loose ends take up all of my mental workspace.

I change residence, jobs... in short I become very stressed and impatient to create this nurturing environment for my "child," mate and myself as quickly as possible.

But the man never measures up. The job does not have benefits and the neighborhood, though has gotten better, is at the moment still not safe enough.

This is my 2nd go around. I'm trying to do it a lil different this time, though the issues listed above are always, for some reason, in the back of my mind.

And when I'm single? What do I do? I play video games, drink, work at shitty dive bars where women are totally objectified but I don't mind because I'm getting paid, travel a bunch and work out like a fiend. In short I am an awesome, independent person, usually with a lot of creative ideas about how to become even more awesome.

Why am I so different when I'm single? Why am I so tense and set on the future when I'm with a man? Is it a genetic predisposition? A woman's body at work?

More importantly, what is with me being so dismissive and careless with myself when I'm single?

I'm hoping these are all matters of maturity, and one day after I mature mentally I'll even out in temperament and life goals will be a little more consistent regardless of being with or without someone.

Woken by a Weird Dream

Woken up early from my sleep. I feel ok, other than being all mucous-y and phlegm-y. I'm fighting that nasty flu bug that is going around. My guy has had it since Texas and I've been working a lot this past week so I think its finally trying to make its move and have a germ party in me while I'm tired.

All I can do is salt gargle, eat well and stay hydrated. And hope that's enough for now!

As for the move...I still have mixed feelings about it. After my very successful reunite lunch with an Oakland friend, I feel better about my ability to choose friends. See I've been quite lonely recently, and my guy tells me he believes I dont allow people near me, I was worried my loneliness was self imposed. It's true I enjoy solitude and I am picky about who I let get close to me but I'm not in as high demand as he'd like to think.

Anyway meeting with this friend helped me see that I do choose ordinary extraordinary people. She is so cool. One of those people that really just brightens an entire day. I had a wonderful time with her and it made me feel so good about myself for being able to make friends with someone like that.

I was sad at the thought of leaving her when I move, but time has really changed both of our agendas and actually the move still is the best idea for me. Reconnecting with one person is great but the reality is still the same. Being alone while my guy leaves the state to spend time with his dad will still happen, and I would rather be around people I trust, than a city I am accustomed to.

This is all about comfort level. People add a great deal to this equation for me. I never realized it before. I'm a little nervous about being in a city I don't know all the nooks and crannies to. Idk where the nearest pho house will be, or what store to go to to get cheap but quality work shirts...will there be an Asian market in my neighborhood where I can get real soba noodles? I know downtown SD does not have a Chinatown...

Leaving Oakland means I am leaving a lot of bullshit. But it also means I'm leaving the city where I know where everything is. That loss of familiarity is making me uncomfortable, even though I will be choosing a physically and mentally safer city to reside in.

Starting the Day

Stretching after I wake up, my mind goes to a place where good feelings take over. I still have a million things to do for the move but in this moment my mind is quiet and happy. 

As I stretch I can feel my body waking up. It's still a strong body, no matter what I try to say to myself.

My mind is constantly jumping forward in time. I now want to take a Las Vegas trip at some point soon, and perhaps a NYC trip for my birthday in March. I also want to go back to the Dallas area to visit with my sisters. 

All of my brothers feel as if they are lost in the ether. Drug problems catch them all up and take them places where I just can't go. But the sisters are solid and I am considering a Texas birthday rather than a New York birthday. Maybe!

I'd love to see them. But then again they will be in school and work. No real break for them until August this year. So maybe not. I'd love to go back to NYC!      

Just a little positive thinking to keep moving through.                                                                                                                        

Mood Check!

Had a stressful day today. And as it goes, was unnecessary in the end. I need to check my attitude about this move now.
Yes, moving is stressful but I am only going to benefit from it. I need to keep that in mind! This stress could be limited to only these stressful moments. It doesn't need to extend any further.

I will be meeting up with an old Oakland friend this Thursday to say goodbye before I move. We've been through lots of good and bad times together. We lost touch over the last year because I moved out of the house we had been sharing.

It's not all fluffy kitties and sunshine... But it will be nice to reconnect over a bowl of pho.

One other girlfriend from San Francisco wants to get together for a meal as well. That one will be a little trickier, but still worthwhile. The pho girl is the one that used to be my best friend though.

It's so difficult leaving people. Feels like it gets harder as I get older. I've got to change my mentality though. Got to embrace the mental flexibility of someone young. Because if I allow myself to harden up, and become brittle, I'll just break. I'm going to try this mentality out starting now. Let's see what happens.

Moving Stress

Got a lot of moving issues/ideas in my head. No idea how to really organize them and I can't seem to calm down easily so I'm just going to pile them all here:

1. I'm nervous about moving somewhere relatively new. I know I grew up there for the first 17 years of my life but every time I have visited over the past decade-ish since, it has been different. Also I grew up in the south bay neighborhood and now I am looking to move to the more populated, busy, downtown area. Excited and nervous about that. I am mainly going for the family interaction, good weather, and relatively less drama/hostility environment found while walking down the street. With this move I am hoping glorious safety and peace of mind will be mine once again. Also lovely tanned skin instead of this weird pale shit that's happened to me since living in the bay area.


2. I'm excited about really embracing the time I will have to spend around my grandmother. She is pretty much the only non-insane or fucked family member I have and spending time with her and grandpa (he's also awesome) will be well spent. I am looking forward to learning much about how to be awesome even into my older age from them.


3. Of course finding an apartment is stressing me out. I really don't like where I live now, but I've felt this way for MONTHS now and I'm almost, sadly, used to the discomfort I feel living here. The thought of finding a better place in a better city...idk I guess I am anticipating a culture shock of sorts.


4. Leaving my current job. I will miss the people I work with a lot. But more than that, I am super hyper aware of other people's feelings and when I see them changing their interaction and behavior with me out of their own sadness, it makes me super fucking sad as well. It's painful to draw out the goodbye over the next couple weeks. This is a reason why in the past, I've just bounced from jobs without explanation. It's so difficult to deal with separation.


5.  A new job. Thanks to my guardian angel watching over me, and a friend made through an awesome social network, I don't have to worry so much about work right away. I will have money coming in. I have to call and confirm and talk to the manager still so that's all I'm going to say about that at the moment.


6. Moving with my dude! This is a big one. I've moved all over the place over the past several years, but always alone. I would move in with friends or away from my ex, but always alone. This is the first time moving with another person and I have to say, it's really tough! He does not stress out nearly as much as I do, so while I am packing boxes 2 weeks before the move, he's snoring away, or playing computer games, or doing other non-moving things. He did look up apartments one day though.

Also he's pretty much in charge with HOW we will transport our stuff down south, since it will clearly not all fit in one car. So far he's told me he's looking into those "pod" moving services. I guess you put your shit in a crate on the sidewalk and some company transports it to your new address. The only problem with that is, we cannot leave our stuff on the sidewalk here at all. It will get broken into. So he has to figure out how to time everything so we basically load the "pod" and the company takes it immediately after.


7. We need to clean this apartment up for final inspection/return of security deposit. Notice my use of the word "we." I am not expecting to get the full security deposit back because of the bathroom sink leak turning the cupboard underneath into a fucking swamp, but miracles can happen. As a result I am not going to go overboard cleaning up. I will vacumn and wipe dust off the wall moldings but that's pretty much as far as I'm going with that.


8. I am going to have to open a new bank account with a national bank. Currently my money is with a local credit union but that will not be a feasible way to manage my cash once I  move 500 miles away. I have a friend that was recently hired with Wells Fargo so I'm thinking of opening an account there. Only problem is, that friend is annoying the shit out of me at the moment so I may not do that with him. I just wanted to help him out at his new job anyway! But fuckit I can stroll down the block and open one. Of course with opening this new account, I'm going to have to shift over all my direct deposit accounts and it's going to be a major pain in the ass.

I have to stop  here. There is probably more but I have to continue getting on with it!

Apartment Hunt

I've been in touch with a bunch of different apartment managers over the past couple weeks...
I've got to figure out a way to schedule apartment viewings as soon as we get to town. I want to have it all mapped out.

Some companies have it set up that I can view an apartment anytime, without appointment, by a keyless entry. Not sure how safe this would be should I choose to live at one of these places. But its definitely going to be convenient to check out the place.

I will start a list. One column with convenient, keypad entry viewings, and another column where I have to schedule an appointment old school style. I'll just keep adding to the list as much as possible before we head down south.

First Steps Towards Moving

Soooo we were 30,000 feet high up in the air and my guy decided to have an anxiety attack over moving. When other people freak out, I usually stay calm. So in a way it's good that he decided to do that because it helped me break down the idea and plans for moving, thus making them a little easier to handle.

I've got to try and get rid of as many things as possible. We don't have much furniture but even the little we have is a major obstacle. Or is it? We could just rent a u-haul and drive everything down south. I'm pretty sure the uhaul is not massively expensive and having it for a several days while we look for apts should be doable.

ALSO have to keep looking for apts and staying in touch with apt managers.

ALSO hes got to get rid of all his excess bicycles hes been saving for parts and such. Going to have to pick the parts he needs off and get rid of all the dang frames cuz those add up quick!

As for me, I'm not particularly attached to any of the furniture I have. A $10 bookshelf and $10 dresser I got off craigslist have zero sentimental value for me. I was considering having a sidewalk sale in the next week or so, get a little cash for them.

Major key points:
1. IDC about most of the things I have besides the books, albums and art supplies.
2. We are good for the money so thats not a stressor
3. We have a place to stay once we get to SD
4. All I really have to do is stay on top of/plan out a schedule to view apts once we get to SD and everything else will fall into place

I'm excited! I do appreciate the funky trashiness that is oakland but its definitely time to MOVE ON!

30,000 feet in the air

I saw a lady with glitter all over her face and a man sleeping with his head in his hands.

I thought about being taken along with someone else's flow. The currents of my own life seemed so chopped up by indecision.

My younger sister had commandeered the word "sophistication" over the course of the last week. I had enough of it the first time it came out across her glossy little lips.

The word was taken up by two other sisters and became a chant. We would clearly all love to be considered sophisticated. We all take different roads to achieve this goal. And these roads are even more different when observed from the outside.

The funny part is, we are all mentally already there.

Money Matters on the Trip

These people are well off. Definitely hundred thousandaires but I think more probably millionaires.

These people live in a sense of monetary security that I cannot even begin to understand. It's actually a bit disgusting, the level of financial security they are used to.

Luckily it wasn't inherited. It was all made by them. Still, I don't know or understand it.

It can be very overwhelming. I'm happy just hanging at the house with family, making food, watching tv, talking/interacting with each other. These folks do the same but they're eating expensive food and pretty much everything involved is expensive.

My only problem is having things bought for me. I know my brother in law makes more in a year than I will probably see in my whole life, before taxes, but we are the same age. It feels weird him deciding activities that not only can I not afford, but then pays for it.

Also my younger sisters out here have everything done/bought for them. I enjoy this with my guy as well but on much smaller levels in much smaller doses. It's something they are used to but I just am not

Im not making a big deal about it. I'm going along with things and being polite and cordial. I'm hoping I can eventually figure out how to tell my sis her husband weirds me out by constantly picking up the bill like he's my dad. Maybe I should tell her soon while she still understands what humble pie tastes like.

I'm grateful! But not used to it and don't like feeling beholden to anyone, for anything at anytime. I'd rather just pay my own way, and if I can't afford it, do something I can afford!

After a Long Time Apart

According to my sisters this is the first time the 4 of us have been all together in 13 years...

I cannot fully comprehend that.

On the ride to the sushi restaurant tonight, the sisters took one car while the bf, fiancé and husband took another. It felt nice in our car. For a split second I felt anxiety but it went away. I reminded myself I was happy to be there. I had been waiting for so long for that moment.

And I didn't realize it at the time but the youngest sister was always missing in action whenever we all got together for a visit.

Well we are all together now. First time in 13 years... Thanks to my little sister, who is married to the man with the house big enough to hold all the sisters at once.

The brothers are another story. They've got their work cut out for them.

For the next 4 days I get to enjoy my family all together... I am so glad for that fact.

New Year Flight..

Flying out to Texas to celebrate the new year with S, A, D, K, N, Y, B, and my guy! So many people. This is my new full family. It will be the first time all of us will be together.

If I permit myself to be excited about it, it's actually quite exciting. We are all very good people. The only person I don't really know about is N. But even if he's rotten, he is surrounded by positive people, therefore he can't remain completely untouched by our positivity... it's not possible.

I might be a little hard on the guy here, but I don't know him at all. All I know is that he hates Obama, is quite emotionally undisciplined and that K is a sweetie and perhaps may spoil him.

I've got to stay on the positive track! We will all be together. For a good seven days! That's quite a long time. We will be able to get past the holiday formalities and just live amongst each other for at least 2 of the seven days. I've not been back to Texas for a good 4 years. Despite being in touch with K and D via Facebook and text messages, I have not layed eyes on them for years.

K is now 20. D is now 16 or 17. S is 21 and married!! Imagine that. The girls no longer live at the family home. D has been through a bout with drugs. Knowing the changes I've gone through in the last 4 years I can't imagine how different they are.

My goal this week is to embrace the change in my family. To embrace the new folks and pay attention to and encourage any positive changes to my siblings. At the same time I've got to be kind to myself. I've got to be patient with myself.

Sitting at the back of the plane. Listening to the Ricky Gervais podcast. Definitely calm. Turbulence happens but as long as I can look outside at the beautiful sunrise, my fears are taken away. I don't know what it is about looking out at the landscape whenever a stressful flight moment happens. It completely calms me. I imagine if I were to be in a plane plummeting towards the earth, I'd be the person silently staring out of the window, watching the ground get closer and closer.