Every time I am in a relationship I go into this mode where I constantly think about the future and creating/maintaining a family. I have no children. I make efforts to not get pregnant. But when I am coupled, every thought goes towards this end.
Am I making enough money and does my job provide benefits for this child? Do I live in a safe enough neighborhood for a child? Does this man I'm with exhibit good parenting qualities or at least the potential? Can I handle being a mother and woman to my spouse and myself? These thoughts and many more loose ends take up all of my mental workspace.
I change residence, jobs... in short I become very stressed and impatient to create this nurturing environment for my "child," mate and myself as quickly as possible.
But the man never measures up. The job does not have benefits and the neighborhood, though has gotten better, is at the moment still not safe enough.
This is my 2nd go around. I'm trying to do it a lil different this time, though the issues listed above are always, for some reason, in the back of my mind.
And when I'm single? What do I do? I play video games, drink, work at shitty dive bars where women are totally objectified but I don't mind because I'm getting paid, travel a bunch and work out like a fiend. In short I am an awesome, independent person, usually with a lot of creative ideas about how to become even more awesome.
Why am I so different when I'm single? Why am I so tense and set on the future when I'm with a man? Is it a genetic predisposition? A woman's body at work?
More importantly, what is with me being so dismissive and careless with myself when I'm single?
I'm hoping these are all matters of maturity, and one day after I mature mentally I'll even out in temperament and life goals will be a little more consistent regardless of being with or without someone.
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