How Does it Feel to Turn Your Back

... on a family member? How does it feel to deliberately hurt your child? Does it feel good to intentionally make their lives increasingly difficult? To always put your needs before theirs?

Why are you still alive? I wouldn't care if you were gone. I wonder about her dying, how I would feel and all I imagine is relief. I don't wish her harm, but I can't wish her well.

I just remind myself the insanity is almost over for another sibling. Another sibling is making it out of that life and I'm very happy to witness it. Happy to offer mental and emotional support.

If I had money, I'd offer that too... Luckily my sister understands the importance of non monetary support.  Luckily she has learned at a very young age to rely on herself.

How can this woman still be alive? Why is she? Why are good people, useful and caring people dying but she is still alive? She almost died, many times. Maybe she's like a cat in that respect

I can't wait for the day that I stop having to visit her. Once my brothers move out, if they are ever able to, that's the last time I'll see her. I sincerely cannot wait for that day.

Life is Better

Money is not so great, but life is better. How is that possible? Being around people I care about is a major factor. Sure, some people always have something negative to say... but they will always be that way. Other than them, there are more positive people as well.

But how can everything be exponentially 'better' when money is an issue? The house is much better... Neighborhood is badass...-My mind and socializing is much better... My health and stress levels are even better! But money is lacking. How can this be!!

The idea is, once money becomes stable again...I cannot even imagine how nice life will be. Nothing to want for +saving money... Going to be a good feeling.

Being Alone Without My Guy

I've been feeling Ok. Definitely better than when I was alone in Oakland. I'm not overly anxious or panicky... no out of body experiences or trips, due to stress... the neighborhood out here is so nice I haven't really changed my habits. I even still leave the door open to allow some cross breeze action, though I close and lock the door door earlier than usual.

I am feeling more creative and driven though. Trying to decide if I want to purchase an easel or just try to ghetto-rig a surface on which to paint... have already had several images/emotions I'd like to get down on canvas. Ironically, missing my guy, the images are all of former lovers. I'm not sure what any of this means but I'm thinking of just going with it and painting.

My guy and I talk daily. He's ok, if not a bit overwhelmed by family. I'm so glad I'm not there, but rather I'm here creating a stable home base he can return to. Well I'm hoping to accomplish that, hopefully starting by securing steady work.

My cousin prepped me for the job with her. I know exactly what to say. Now all I have to do is buy some stockings and skirts. Oh yes, she told me no more jeans to work... So I'm going to give it a try.

That Damn Young Scorpio...

... is haunting my mind again. How the fuck?

Really very nice memories to have...

After the Nudist Event...

I did not get nude at this event! I worked it. Meaning I was running around prepping/cooking/serving food all day. The people that attended payed around $800 to attend the weekend retreat. I made enough money to cover rent for this next month so I'm happy to continue my steady job hunt at this point.

My sister asked me  how it was working with my aunt. I decline to say what I really think, because I am too busy being appreciative at the fact that my aunt payed me to work. Suffice it to say that she is a total noob in a field I am a crazy pro. I felt very American negotiating the hourly wage for the weekend with a family member. Made me feel a little dirty. But I needed work and she got me some!

On a completely unrelated note (it is, I swear!) I've decided to practice being a little more conscientious of the words that come out of my mouth. Since being back in SD I'm frightfully shocked at how arrogant and pushy/bossy some members of my dad's side of the family are. Tact seems to be something they all prefer to throw out the window...They seem to prefer intimidation tactics instead, especially with loved ones and relatives. They're all just so damn loud!

But I've been schooled on enough intimidation tactics in the bay area to know when people are serious, and when they are just loud, annoying, obnoxious motherfuckers. So to be honest, I'm not phased at all. It seems like a huge waste of time to me.

In addition to all of this, I must say I have a job interview on Wednesday afternoon for a community outreach position and I'm excited about it! I was referred to it by an older cousin of mine. She's working hard to help me get it. I hope I do. If I do, I will probably only be interested in doing maybe 1 or 2 bartending shifts a week. It will be a definite life change of pace! But the way the bar job search has been going, it would be stupid of me to let this outreach job opportunity pass me up.

I have a Little Sister and She is an Asshole

My mother and father had me, then split. My mother had children with another man shortly after the split. My father waited something like 14 years later to have children with another woman.

My mother's kids are cool. Very laid back and calculating. We all take care of ourselves, love each other and try to be good people in the world. My father's kids are ok but they are very spoiled and can be annoying. They are also young and have no concept of pretty much anything, including manners.

I've missed most of my dad's kid's lives. I've been away at college and work after that. I recently moved back to town to be around my family members. Its going great with my mom's kids. But my dad's kids... It's more of a challenge. Two of them are under 10years so they're small. The oldest is a female around 12 and she's large like I was at that age.

She's tall and heavy for a 12 year old. Basically she looks like she's 19 or 20 physically, but when she opens her mouth, holy shit is she annoying! She's rude and says horrendous shit. Mostly regurgitates whatever gossip my dad says, which is bad enough when he expresses himself (quite arrogant and obnoxious) but to hear a 12year old female repeating the same in a voice that sounds much like a goose honking... Well it's painful and annoying as shit!

I'm trying to figure out how to be in the same room with her without knocking her out. It's that serious! And this is strange for me, because I love to appreciate my siblings and cherish them. But she seriously annoys the hell out of me with the things she says and how she says them.

I remind myself "she is a child. No matter how she looks, she's a child. Help her not be an asshole." One day I asked her why does she have to speak in such an insulting way to people? She said "talking is hard." And my heart went out to her. Because yes, talking is difficult. I told her pay attention to how one of our cousins talks, and try to pay attention to how people react to her (because I'm sure people walk away from her when she starts talking, hell I've wanted to). Take her time and think before she speaks... And it worked for 1 minute then she continued honking along.

It's annoying. Totally!

Talking with my Younger Sister

I've got a sister 6 years younger than I. She is incredibly intelligent and beautiful. Everyone that meets her falls in love with her. She is so fun and funny, sweet and lovely. She's married to a wonderfully gentle, caring man and lives in a nicer house than I probably ever will. She's about a year from her nursing degree and career. She's just amazing!

And because of all this I watch her carefully. Things this "perfect" are usually the most fragile and unsteady. I try to keep in touch with her as often as she will allow. I prefer text messages to phone calls, and sometimes that leads to me being disappointed because she's too busy to respond to my texts. But I'm learning to just let nerves and sadness go, and understand she's got a lot on her plate.

She is a lot like me in temperament, in the ways she seeks to control whatever situation she's in. She can be cruel in this process, especially to those that love her the most.

We were talking about this earlier today, these fiery and at times unpredictable temperaments we possess. I try to share as much of my experiences with her as possible. I try to keep an open and honest relationship with her, so that when she begins one of those painful life transitions we all go through, I can help her understand them and get through them.

She says I help her. And that is always my goal. But in the process, I find myself benefiting as well. I feel stronger, a sense of purpose and energy. I've always felt this way after helping my younger siblings. Its obvious that I love them very much. They remind me of a time that has passed. Memories that never existed, the type to live an entire life creating and chasing.

In the meantime I continue to check in with this younger sister. I am happy to be there when she violently releases all of the bad feelings she bottles up inside. I see a lot of myself in her and I know how difficult it can be to upkeep that perfectionist image we believe in so hard.

Busy Day Tomorrow

Still unemployed. At least I spoke with my last boss today, and she assured me she will mail out my final paycheck tomorrow. That means I should get it by Monday, latest.

I should get a nice chunk of change back from doing my taxes, so after the interview tomorrow, getting that set up will be my top priority. Between tax money and final paycheck, I should be ok for another month of job hunting, if it takes that long.

Everyone tells me to cool out about it, and I'm trying to, but it is certainly easier said than done. My guy has been paying for me a lot lately, and while he says he doesn't mind, I can't help but feel stress from it.

I'm so used to paying for everything, for having my own money... just being financially in charge of myself. I know I will be again soon. But I can't help but feel like a big ol' lameass!!!

Well it can't be helped at this point. I'm looking for work and staying in the game so I suppose all I can do is continue searching, and try to express graciousness.

Job Hunt SD

So far the biggest lesson I've learned looking for work in SoCal is...CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

Everything I've encountered has pointed me to that same lesson.

In the bay area, I knew I had the experience and gumption to land a super sweet job in San Diego. What I failed to realize was that people do not talk the same way down here. People down here do not have the same endless reserves of frenetic, stressed, desperate energy as those in the bay area.

I always think I'm going to take advantage of things down here but it never works how I imagine!

I have to lay low. Put my time in. And work on my patience. Because see, the people of the SF bay area are just like me. They have no time or patience for slow operations. They get their money and they continue on with their bad selves. Down in SoCal, people have their bad selves happening...but they take their fuckin timmmmeeeee

Keeping in touch with sisters

Thinking about family. Thinking about family in Texas and family down the street.

Thinking about positivity among family members...

Examining an interesting emotion I have towards the family members in Texas. It's hard for me to look at it.

I have no ill will or thoughts towards any of my siblings. But just as in reality, I cannot control their feelings towards me. I get strange vibes from the 2 sisters in Texas and even more strange feelings from the little sister in San Diego.

The San Diegan sister has an excuse, she is 12. She's awkward as all hell and although I am shocked by the weird things she says to me, she's 12. I respond kindly but firmly and it's over.

The sisters in Texas are another matter. The younger one is quite rough around the edges. A seemingly territorial vibe is what I get from her. She's not rude or rough towards me like the 12 year old, but she can be dismissive, apathetic, distracted I suppose. I miss her and try to think of ways to be in touch with her.

The older of the two in Texas is a bit more difficult to understand. The only reason I can imagine she is a bit distracted is because she actually is. She's got a ton of things going on. Again I just wrack my brain trying to think of ways to stay in touch.

With the girls in Texas it's clear we will not live near each other anytime soon. Time spent together will be vacation time, downtime, not day to day times. It makes me sad but its just how it is. All I can try to do is be in touch. I like text messaging but they don't airways reply. There's no ill feelings but I suppose everyone is just busy with their own lives.

Tax Season Greed

I don't understand the greed that comes up between family members. How people can turn on those that are of the same blood. How can someone take advantage of another person precisely because they are the closest person to you?

My family doesn't have money or things to fight over. They fight over power and control through secrecy, especially when it comes to information regarding the family, which is really stupid if you think about it.

Still and all, being told about people claiming members of the family on their taxes... The entire topic just makes my blood boil. How can you expect to get away with that? Getting money for someone that not only do you not help, but you don't even talk to them AND they're mentally handicapped? It's sickening to me.

People need to get over themselves and stop fucking trying to siphon money from every possible outlet, including family!

Been Some Time...

Been a little while since I last composed anything here. We have no internet until later this week so I'm tethering when possible! But its really still not functional, reliable internet. I miss posting on g+ and being able to email friends I've left back in the bay.

Now that housing is found, the main focus has been shifted to work. Of course I'm highly qualified for any type of bar work, so that is where I'll be securing work immediately.

The 'for sure' bar gig that was waiting for me got a little complicated. Essentially a restaurant across the street from the bar closed, and the bar absorbed all of the personnel there. This happened early last week! While I was busy running around town like a madwoman, looking for an apartment. So that may still be a possibility but I'll have to meet up with the bar manager and possibly be put on a bit of a waiting list.

So while I figure out the best way to approach that situation, I'm applying to different bars and restaurants in the meantime. So far I've submitted 4 resumes online and 1 in person. My neighborhood is comprised of all kinds of bars and restaurants and downtown is close by as well. Im doing all my laundry today in preparation for hitting the streets.

I haven't even seen my sister since coming to town. I've been trying to secure everything first, as fast as I can.

3 Days of Apartment Hunting

I'm excited and nervous. After 3 days of searching, we have managed to secure housing. It's great in every imaginable way. It's in a great neighborhood, low deposit and a month to month lease. We didn't even have to do anything illegal to get it!

We move in this Friday.

Before we get to Friday though, we have to get through Thursday's mayhem of getting the rest of our things from the old apartment in Oakland down to socal. We are doing back to back drives in a badass rental pickup truck. The drive will be safe and cushy.

We leave at 3am. We should be in Oakland around 11am. Load the truck up, leave the rest of the things we don't need on the side of the road and vamos! Back to southern Cali. Oh there is the business of returning the cable box/modem to Comcast before we leave the bay area. But that's on the way.

The apt we found is small. We probably won't be able to keep the bicycles indoors. But we also won't need to. They'll get locked up outside and be fine. This is a new concept to us, the lack of bike theft.

We'll have all the basics to start sleeping at the new place immediately. We'll only really need to get a sofa at some point, and I'm sure it won't be a used one we find in the hallway like at the Oakland apartment.

I am supposed to get up in 3.5 hours. I won't be driving the way up though so I can sleep on the drive if I'd like to.