Awkward Chef

We got a new chef at work this month. He is incredibly talented and all of his food dishes are amazing. The only thing is, he's incredibly socially inept, especially when it comes to talking with me.

Today work was particularly busy. At one point I went to the kitchen to ask where the edible flowers are. Cooks were running everywhere, servers were standing around being useless and I went up to chef saying "hey Chef"- to which he replied "WHAT!!!" with a huge bellow to match his huge face and body...

His bloated face was red, there was sweat on his brow and he trembled, though he had a slight smirk on his face.

I didn't even blink, just stayed calm and asked where the edible flowers were, to which he dismissively replied something about "over there" and with a vague wave of his hand lost all respect from me.

The sous chef gave me actual directions and I found the flowers after a few minutes in the walk-in. At least I was able to cool off a bit while I searched.

The strange part is, this chef is totally mild mannered. But every time he interacts with me he is so awkward. When he was introduced to the restaurant staff, I was quick to formally introduce myself and warmly welcome him. Since then he always says fail jokes ... attempting to be cute? Friendly in a very unprofessional way?

Usually men act like idiots around me for one of two reasons... One: they're attracted to me or two: they're intimidated by me. I have a feeling this chef may fit right into this same category. In the words of Mr. Pink: "am I the only professional here?!"

No Trying...Only Doing

Had a 7 hour lunch today with a friend. I hesitate between "coworker" and "friend." I met him through catering several events together. After today I'm sure it's clear we are now friends.

We spoke about so many things. Really I was exhausted by the 2.5 hour mark but I hung in there because the conversation went from self realization to the current state of society... If he was into booze I'd have been in heaven to have these conversations over several drinks.

But he does not booze up so we talked outside in the sun. We walked a ton and talked even more. We tried to help each other with life problems and the time finally came when it was time to eat again. We ate some cheap Mexican food and I was finally able to come home.

When I walked in the door, Lucky mewed my ear off. He was so mad! I gave him some pets and settled down on the couch with a nice cold glass of Nobilo. This was what I wanted to do since 4pm.

Now I sit and think about letting go of the past... About holding on with my current relationship and getting on with myself. I feel like I've been doing a pretty good job with the last one. I can always do better but baby steps... Baby steps!

Grateful

Every now and then I stop worrying, st-

-Oh sweet JEEzus the pain when Lucky claws right into my thighs trying to get up on my lap. I seriously cannot wait until he learns how to get a hold of his claws AND gets big enough so that he doesn't have to jump so hard to get on me. The pain is so shocking and annoying I just want to throw his little ass against the wall and yell but I don't. I move extra slowly and calmly pick up his little body, take his claws OUT of my thigh and gently hold him to my chest. Sometimes he's calm while I do this, sometimes he is super violent and thrashing about, clawing the fuck out of my arm. But I stay calm and don't hurt him or scare him, even though my leg hurts like a mother. After a while he chills out. But my leg, ohhh my poor right leg!

I feel like this is a good example of how I should approach my life more often. I am usually calm with others, but never usually gentle or calm with myself.

And back to the topic at hand. Sometimes I really feel very grateful for my life. I stop thinking of how to be everything for everyone else, and I stop comparing myself to everyone I've ever known and I just look around at the life I've got. Despite various pulled muscles, I have good health.

I've lived in the cities I've wanted to live in, and done the things I've wanted to do. I keep my eyes and ears open and jump on the best opportunities I understand and I feel these things have made me a better person.

I still have my inner demons and problems but at least I am not an asshole.

Right now all I can think of is that I need to learn how to co-exist with my guy in the house. Everytime he leaves I get so comfortable being alone. I miss him and I always look forward to him coming home but once he does, the happiness lasts for only a short while and soon I am pissed off and annoyed at having to clean up after him, etcetcetc.

I've got to find a way to co-exist in a way that doesn't piss me the fuck off. All signs keep pointing to just staying involved in my own life and happenings...find more things important to just me and focus on them. But then I feel disconnected from...what?

I still haven't figured any of this living with another person stuff out. Which is funny because I've been living with other people my whole life. Even when I rented a room by myself, I still shared kitchen and bathroom with other people.

See how I jump from feeling calm and good to finding something that immediately stresses me out? Why am I stressing about living with my guy when I have no idea when he will be back? See how I jumped to another topic that immediately stresses me out?

Sigh. I just wanted to write an entry about being optimistic and positive. I wanted to sit and enjoy the feeling of not feeling like a fail ass. Fuck!

Skype Sesh

Yesterday I was napping with Lucky for about 2 hours when I was awoken from one of my usual motley dreams by the skype ringtone coming from my computer speakers. I figured it was a certain friend and I turned the volume down without bothering to check who was calling and went back to lie down. Grabbed my n7 and it told me I had missed a skype call from my guy. Fuck! He's good about calling me back a couple times because I usually never pick up my phone the first time. My volume is always usually on silent. This is not usually a huge problem because I check my phone like every couple minutes.

I call him and he picks up. We talk for about an hour and a half. I am skyping on my n7 for the first time with him so I enable the video feed and he can see me! I show him the changes around the house, Lucky gets plenty of air time and the conversation takes a pleasant tone. Usually talking to him on the phone is extremely frustrating, because his service sucks out there in the desert and my service sucks out here in the city. The call drops 4 or 5 times during one of our long conversations, I get sad and impatient, cranky and usually don't want to continue talking because he cant hear me or whatever. I'm getting annoyed just by typing it out.

But Skype was a lifesaver! Was pretty pleasant, no bullshit dropped calls, he could hear me perfectly and I wasnt even on a headset, just talking towards my n7. The only drawback was seeing myself on video chat the whole time eventually made me a little dizzy. But the conversation was productive, positive and uplifting. I felt happy to be talking to him.

He knows about my drunken fuckups these past couple weeks. I told him about the first one and he was upset so I didnt bother telling him about my most recent losing my bag. I still think he knew though...I think he may have checked up on me via g+, which actually makes me feel good. He doesnt do g+. I'm hoping he eventually finds the need to check up on this blog; he knows it exists he just hasn't read it. Or maybe he has. Who knows.

Though I know certain people read this blog, I really feel comfortable being totally candid on it. There are a handful of people that I would hope wouldn't see it just because they are on my shit list (talking about ex-bfs and ex-lovers here) but I dont really care if they do. I just never expected my guy to do  his research on me. I hope he does.

Once Every Few Months

I do something to really set myself back. In this case I am talking about getting so drunk that I lost my work bag, with all of my plastic cards and work tools inside.

How the hell could I be so careless? Five drinks on an empty stomach would be a good place to start the answer to that question.

I am definitely bothered by this. My day off will now be spent running around town getting new plastic cards. At least I have a paycheck to deposit today as well. And I'm getting another check on Thursday. At least there's money.

This drunken form of carelessness has brought me much stress and frustration since before I was even of legal age to drink. I wish it was as easy as saying hey alcohol isn't for me. But it isn't. Or maybe it could be, but I haven't come to that place yet.

Though I am annoyed with the consequences of my recent actions I have to stop and also recognize the fact that it could have been worse. I live right by a major freeway onramp and I don't remember getting home. I could have been hit by a car. I could have died.

This reminds me of that time in Oakland where my guy and I got in a fight after many drinks at Merchants and then Indian food after. After fighting in the restaurant he left me and headed back home. I, in a drunken stupor, managed to navigate BART and then bike through east Oakland streets. I remember passing by all the drunk people at the taco trucks and seeing a man on the floor who looked dead. I took a picture of him and then stumbled home. I may have fallen. I've fallen before.

It really is a waste of my time and energy. And now money, since I have to replace my phone.

Trying to look on the bright side, I've had to do an early morning bike ride to the DMV that was really lovely. Only slightly unnerving thanks to cars. I'm also re-examining my relationship with alcohol and more importantly my relationship with myself. Man I really need to start giving a damn about myself.

This is the kind of self destructive behavior that my mother has always exhibited. This is how she is homeless right now and I know in my heart that it's because she is too selfish to pull her head out of her ass and the bottle out of her mouth. I don't want to be like her. I'm trying really hard to let my light shine through, and it's Ok if it's troubled at times, or a lil shaky or dim. I just have to care about myself a tiny bit more, in ways that matter, in fundamental ways.

I have to start caring less about others and more about myself. It feels selfish to say this but I really believe that is the only way I can get control over myself.

Life Without Guy

Life with the kitty and without the guy has been going on. Guy has been gone for 3 weeks now. Money has been rolling in as a direct result of working like a fiend. Seeing myself getting back into the mode where I identify with my job more than my free time. As I see it happen I also see myself pull back from it.. I make plans to do different things and though I don't always follow through with those plans, I can envision them. I try to keep it balanced, if that is even possible with money sucking me into its dirty, grimy world.

A confrontation with one of my managers pretty much led to him telling me he respects and likes me and when he moves on, he hinted at me taking his place as bar manager. I did not expect that. I just wanted him to do a little more prepwork haha. I like the idea. I already do a fuck of a lot more prep and maintenance than the other bartenders and would be happy to continue to do so, but get paid extra for it. Also I get along well with the general manager so I'm thinking this is something I need to carefully foot towards.

I am paying fully for the apartment and bills now. And I am getting money left over after everything is paid for. I am getting money left over after everything is paid for AND I splurge on food or a shopping excursion. I can support my little pet friends and myself just fine by myself. I can take my little cousin out to a couple nice meals where we can bond a bit through pleasant conversation before she leaves for the army. This is a really good feeling. It does come at a price but what is the lesser of the two evils? Either unable to support myself and left in dire straits when my partner decides he cant pay his half or able to support myself and lonely because constant work.

There's a cook at my job that is interested in me. At first I thought it was just superficial sex interest, and I stayed away from all that. But he's not from around here so I think maybe he just wants to make friends. Either way I am super cautious. Basically I am the type of person that if someone expresses interest in me, I hit the brakes and create distance. I can't take the time to deal with all that, usually. Unless I am also interested in the person, then I have no problem doing my part to weave the romance into reality.

But in this case, I am keeping my distance. There's no way I want to be that woman that gets involved with another man while her guy is off taking care of his dying father. No thanks. Although I did have a dream last night about a very handsome stranger that piqued my interest. I was relieved to see that he wasn't an exact replica of my ex, as most of my romantic interests in my dreams have been up to this point. He was dark featured though. He also had a great sense of humor that was pushy in the right ways. Challenging. I'm always a fan of that!

So for now I continue along in my waking life of working constantly and dreaming my nights away about love and intrigue that I hope will come into my life again one day.

Call at Work

Today I got a phone call from my guy at work. He is in New Mexico at his ill father's side.

He called me to tell me that his dad went into the emergency room with an infection this morning. The doctors don't know what it is exactly. All they know is that the chemo he did this past Wednesday really weakens the immune system, and makes him susceptible to infection. Well something got through and the man is in the hospital with a fever.

My guy says the dad hasn't passed any urine since being in hospital. The stepmom, a nurse, is worried his internal organs may have stopped functioning.

My guy called me to tell me all of this. I told him dont scare himself further thinking the organs have stopped working...just try and stay calm and wait to hear what the doctor says. The dad has been in the emergency room before, and came out okay...that may be the case this time as well.

He told me the man is totally out of it, and can't communicate with them at the moment.

It sounds like it may really be the end. I advised my guy to try and stay calm until the dad comes out of it, and the next time he is coherent, to tell him things that he would feel ok with knowing those are the last things he said to his dad. Just to be prepared. Right now, if the dad passed, my dude would not have said anything eternal to him. Probably the last thing he said to him was goodnight.

So I told him to tell him the things he wants to say. The things that he can live the rest of his life knowing he said to his father before he passed.

It was fuckin intense to suggest this to my guy, but I know that is something that would eat me up, so I had to suggest it.

He had a super small voice when he said "ok." He is so scared and sad. I am scared and sad for him. But I know as long as he clears his chest with his father, he will be able to move on to the next day.

Luckily I am making enough money so that if the dad passes, I can fly myself out there for the aftermath. I don't want my guy to feel alone, because he is not.