Grateful

Every now and then I stop worrying, st-

-Oh sweet JEEzus the pain when Lucky claws right into my thighs trying to get up on my lap. I seriously cannot wait until he learns how to get a hold of his claws AND gets big enough so that he doesn't have to jump so hard to get on me. The pain is so shocking and annoying I just want to throw his little ass against the wall and yell but I don't. I move extra slowly and calmly pick up his little body, take his claws OUT of my thigh and gently hold him to my chest. Sometimes he's calm while I do this, sometimes he is super violent and thrashing about, clawing the fuck out of my arm. But I stay calm and don't hurt him or scare him, even though my leg hurts like a mother. After a while he chills out. But my leg, ohhh my poor right leg!

I feel like this is a good example of how I should approach my life more often. I am usually calm with others, but never usually gentle or calm with myself.

And back to the topic at hand. Sometimes I really feel very grateful for my life. I stop thinking of how to be everything for everyone else, and I stop comparing myself to everyone I've ever known and I just look around at the life I've got. Despite various pulled muscles, I have good health.

I've lived in the cities I've wanted to live in, and done the things I've wanted to do. I keep my eyes and ears open and jump on the best opportunities I understand and I feel these things have made me a better person.

I still have my inner demons and problems but at least I am not an asshole.

Right now all I can think of is that I need to learn how to co-exist with my guy in the house. Everytime he leaves I get so comfortable being alone. I miss him and I always look forward to him coming home but once he does, the happiness lasts for only a short while and soon I am pissed off and annoyed at having to clean up after him, etcetcetc.

I've got to find a way to co-exist in a way that doesn't piss me the fuck off. All signs keep pointing to just staying involved in my own life and happenings...find more things important to just me and focus on them. But then I feel disconnected from...what?

I still haven't figured any of this living with another person stuff out. Which is funny because I've been living with other people my whole life. Even when I rented a room by myself, I still shared kitchen and bathroom with other people.

See how I jump from feeling calm and good to finding something that immediately stresses me out? Why am I stressing about living with my guy when I have no idea when he will be back? See how I jumped to another topic that immediately stresses me out?

Sigh. I just wanted to write an entry about being optimistic and positive. I wanted to sit and enjoy the feeling of not feeling like a fail ass. Fuck!