He's dying. He is literally almost gone. What does almost gone mean? I don't even know.
All I know is he is causing much stress to everyone that loves and cares about him. They are freaked the fuck out about him "leaving."
Death is so inconvenient. Everyone is freaking out but there is nothing anyone can do. The man has done everything he can think of, and has prolonged everyone's agonizing experience by five years. He has prolonged his own pain by five years.
One of my grandfathers died from lung cancer. When they found out, it was too late. He could have tried to stay alive but he didn't. He didn't do anything but die for three months and then he was gone. He left an immeasurably large hole in the heart of my father's side of the family. My grandma moved on and remarried a positive, upbeat and healthy man but her kids were scarred by losing their dad. But still, he was gone in a couple months. It was not drawn out.
This man has lived for six years with this diagnosis/reality/horrible destiny.
It's the dissolution of a family core that is scaring everyone. I'm trying to say this is why it's important to make your own family. Not that I want to be birthing tons of kids or anything, but it's very important to keep people around you. This is why people have families. So they are not alone. This includes when former cores of the family start to die off.
I am feeling very insensitive about this whole situation. I look at it realistically and it is fucking annoying and exhausting. My dude is going nuts with fear, his older brother is drinking himself to death, the step-mom is planning her exit from the scene once the dad dies...it's a really horrible situation. I am not happy to be a part of it. I try to be active and normal so my guy doesn't completely lose it, but it's getting really old for me.
I don't want to spend energy trying to give my guy energy because he's so fucked up over the 6 years of impending death. I want the man to go already. I want his suffering to end and everyone else's as well. I want my dude to be able to move the fuck on with his life! I am excited at the prospects of us doing fun things together because we simply just want to!
I will not break up with my guy over this. I refuse to be that girl that totally walks out on a man when he is in his darkest hour. His ex did all of that to him already and I am not trying to be the same way. I'm not even planning on breaking up with him once his dad is gone. I am just trying to wrap my head around the situation. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and just hang on, no matter how depressing or annoying or sad the situation gets.
We don't hurt each other. We are different tempo type people, but his laid back helps my high strung to chill out sometimes. I still think our relationship is valuable and our friendship is unmistakable.
I just wish his mind would be here, with me. Instead of constantly in agony, two states away at all times.
No comments:
Post a Comment