Once Every Few Months

I do something to really set myself back. In this case I am talking about getting so drunk that I lost my work bag, with all of my plastic cards and work tools inside.

How the hell could I be so careless? Five drinks on an empty stomach would be a good place to start the answer to that question.

I am definitely bothered by this. My day off will now be spent running around town getting new plastic cards. At least I have a paycheck to deposit today as well. And I'm getting another check on Thursday. At least there's money.

This drunken form of carelessness has brought me much stress and frustration since before I was even of legal age to drink. I wish it was as easy as saying hey alcohol isn't for me. But it isn't. Or maybe it could be, but I haven't come to that place yet.

Though I am annoyed with the consequences of my recent actions I have to stop and also recognize the fact that it could have been worse. I live right by a major freeway onramp and I don't remember getting home. I could have been hit by a car. I could have died.

This reminds me of that time in Oakland where my guy and I got in a fight after many drinks at Merchants and then Indian food after. After fighting in the restaurant he left me and headed back home. I, in a drunken stupor, managed to navigate BART and then bike through east Oakland streets. I remember passing by all the drunk people at the taco trucks and seeing a man on the floor who looked dead. I took a picture of him and then stumbled home. I may have fallen. I've fallen before.

It really is a waste of my time and energy. And now money, since I have to replace my phone.

Trying to look on the bright side, I've had to do an early morning bike ride to the DMV that was really lovely. Only slightly unnerving thanks to cars. I'm also re-examining my relationship with alcohol and more importantly my relationship with myself. Man I really need to start giving a damn about myself.

This is the kind of self destructive behavior that my mother has always exhibited. This is how she is homeless right now and I know in my heart that it's because she is too selfish to pull her head out of her ass and the bottle out of her mouth. I don't want to be like her. I'm trying really hard to let my light shine through, and it's Ok if it's troubled at times, or a lil shaky or dim. I just have to care about myself a tiny bit more, in ways that matter, in fundamental ways.

I have to start caring less about others and more about myself. It feels selfish to say this but I really believe that is the only way I can get control over myself.