People always assume I want to do something other than what I am doing. That I am "working towards" something else. It doesnt necessarily have to be the case. It could be. But it doesnt have to be.

I should do things with my money for myself. Like go on vacations. Or move to a nice apartment. Or get some fish in a fishtank.

I need to get over this resentment I feel towards one of my friends!!!!! It's really starting to irritate me. I need to get over myself first? I just hate the lack of cleanliness in our house. It's like really you're not a child clean up after yourself!!!! And then when we try to talk all I can think is "Clean your shit up! Its making me hate you!!!!"

Sigh.

Dreamt of a wolf. Dreamt it was stalking me, chasing me. I was in a forest at night, heard dogs howling, then heard one wolf howl. It was so beautiful and piercing, very frightening. I ran into a house, ran into a laundry room and tried to hold the thin wood door closed with my hand. The wolf gently but firmly pushed the door open, and walked into the room , sniffing around, tracking something. I was perched on the counter top, holding perfectly still, holding my breath, and the wolf went through the room, onto the roof. I then saw it jump from overhead, snarling and I thought it was coming for me, but it was attacking something behind me.

The dream then changed. The theme throughout the dream being macabre, kinky, fetishized situations, with the exception of the wolf insert. I was on a schoolgrounds, being introduced with many other new students. My cousin Mayra was leading the introduction. Amidst a weird dj and reserved people dancing, a tall thin mexican man made his way towards me. He had short hair, stylized to a point and very quiet.

He ended up coming home with me, I felt very pressured and cornered. He made himself comfortable in my bed and in order to delay the inevitable, I started to feed James. The mexican understood why I gave him James to hold while I got some food for the turtle and he started hurting him. He dropped him behind the bed and I heard James angrily hissing. Then I put the turtle back on the bed, telling the man to stop and he started pulling on James' little legs. Finally I had the plate of food and sat James back in his house with the food.

The amount of kink involved in the dream was substantial. To have it begin with a distorted room of sexual deviants. Dressed as clowns, in bondage uniforms, being involved in strange sexual rituals involving tracks and buzzers.

3rd Night of Training

Was exhausting! Broke a glass and cried. PMSing horribly. Been crying a lot lately. Damn you womanly womanness!!!!

After 2 meetings...

The first meeting was funny and relaxing. The second one was all females and much more intense. The topics and stories shared were all extremely heartbreaking and also very strengthening. To see a woman in the process of overcoming, or have already overcome, such adversity is amazing and inspiring.

Everyone talking to each other. I wonder how much of it is true? How much do I take in and how much do I leave?

They said something about taking what I need, and leaving the rest...once again, my need to over-extend myself has me questioning what exactly do I need, and what exactly should I leave behind.

A bit of a headache. More in a bit.

Slowly moving through the difficult murky muck

When I'm restless I find I get this insane urge to go somewhere and do something. Usually I would do just that. With my current situation (transportation and monetarily handicapped) I tend to just try and zone out the restlessness with bgs or online fuckery or watching tv, or some other kind of activity that requires no money spending.

I like to leave my house but in my current neighborhood its best to stay indoors after dark.

Maybe I should spend this restless energy looking online for gigs for extra money, and look for a better place to live, where I can go outdoors if I choose to.

In better news, I did the recycling today; got some cash for my new work pants and transportation money for upcoming work. Job#1 not starting for another two weeks. Job#2 will hopefully start this Sunday. Relieved I have the cash to get the things I need to start these jobs on the right foot.

Oh I also have court tomorrow morning early. Alex will accompany me, and hopefully it will not be too painful. I am not accustomed to court dates. This will be my first one. I dont want to get used to the feeling. I am a nervous enough person without knowing I have to go stand before a judge. And be judged.

Roomate has posted some bullshit on facebook about honor and loyalty and if "you aint wid this then i cant fuckwitchu..." seriously in that way. Responded in kind, stating my view on the matter: sometimes the person you are trying to reach does not want to be reached. In such instances, it is best to stop wasting your energy.

I feel strange not bending over backwards trying to reconnect. This is a change for me and I am going about it, albeit awkwardly, but still going about it the best and most direct way I can. It is definitely liberating to focus on my own business, though a bit saddening it has come to this point. The main thing to keep remembering to tell myself is that I do not care. I cannot. Every time I care with this particular person it never gets better and never changes. Strange how this feels like a sexual relationship gone bad.

Now that I think about it, I should have just ignored the facebook post. I could always delete it. I dont really care to get involved. I will delete it. It doesnt matter. I am not trying to fight. I have to keep reminding myself that I do not have to involve myself. Even in a passive aggressive way, I do not need to involve myself. And anyway, facebook is so superficial. Well I will leave my posts up, its important to have myself out there. I do want her to know that i'm not interested in any kind of drama. I am just not interested. It doesnt get better.

Starting to feel like my old self again...

And that's the truth. Strange that it has to come only after feeling very solitary and otherwise uncomfortable around people I used to (and for the moment, still do) call friends.

So why am I pissing and moaning off about the topic of friends? Why has it been the single most distracting topic I've had in my mind, since oh, forever - but mostly nowadays?

I get attached to people. I appreciate people and they appreciate me and I get attached to them because of how they make me feel. I use their presence in my life to define myself.

This is a very deeply-ingrained habit of mine. It may be past the healthy stage. When I stopped being a bully at younger ages, I immediately became this way.

But recently Ive found the person that I clung to the most over the past 4 years, and felt happiest being associated with, has stopped making me happy. She is so busy, and hardly present in my life, both physically and mentally. I feel sad about it. Ive tried talking to her about it, tried telling her I miss her, that I feel our friendship is slipping, but she tells me she cares about me just as much as she ever did and that shes sorry shes been so busy but thats all it is.

By the way it affects me, you'd think we were in a lesbian relationship. We're not, we never have crossed that line. But we used to be a major source of strength for each other. Well she was for me. I like to think I was for her, but who really knows?

The difference now is that I no longer feel I trust her. I doubt she trusts me. And when we do talk I mostly feel she is distracted, by the way she cuts me off or stares off or just plain changes subjects, even when I am talking about things that do not involve the state of our friendship...

We used to do things together, used to have fun together, but now that has all changed. Now we are cramped in a house with 2 other people, digging for privacy of some kind that can only be achieved by not being in the house. My lack of privacy has caused me to retaliate and retreat into my room.

I stop here for now. The point is I feel I am losing a friend, and am only disturbed by it in the capacity that it makes the living situation uncomfortable, not for any other reason.

I'd like to say my efforts have payed off. I got the call back today and my work schedule is filling out very nicely. To work 5 days a week at 2 different jobs is not an easy task to figure out, but it looks like it may work out, and at TWO bars instead of one...I am praying I will be able to begin sooner than later and therefore be able to begin digging myself out of the financial hole this new year has brought me.

The first $2,000 will go entirely to paying off Alex and getting my bank account back above negative status. Then I will start paying off the old tickets and whatever fees I have. Then Alex and I are going to go out for a fucking expensive and fantastic dinner, because he was the only person that stood by me throughout this entire difficult two months of hell Ive just endured. None of my other so-called "friends" took one step out of their regular days to even acknowledge the level of fucked I was at. Therefore they are not invited.

These past two months I would periodically tell myself "its going to be okay" but today is the first day that I actually see the okay part beginning. Perhaps it will be a good year after all.

Last night was a difficult night for me. Because of the difficult situations this year has already presented me with, I have been evaluating much of my life choices. This includes everything from people I choose to associate with, to my priorities, to career goals and even the way I plan out my days. I am not very good at being moderate so I am evaluating more than I can handle at one time. While I find this to be a very stimulating intellectual experience, it is very taxing on my nerves and emotional state of mind.

Nevertheless, it is where I am at this point in time. And last night's evaluative experience was a very exhausting one. I felt like there was absolutely not a soul left for me to trust. That this was my fault, because I had chosen all of these people to be around me. How could I be so stupid?

But let me stop myself. I went through much emotional turmoil as I realized these things. My ultimate decision was to focus entirely on my own life. To stop putting others before me, to stop taking other people's feeling and actions so deeply into consideration. It's the only choice I have at the moment.

I am starting today differently. I am making a conscious effort, every minute, to be doing what is best for ME...not for anyone else. To only consider my feelings and anticipate only my mood swings. To only try to make MYSELF happy, no one else. The only exception I am going to make (and this may very well be my downfall, who can say?) is for Alex.

I'm going to help my boss clean the bar today. It's opening soon and that means an end to this financial hole I've been in the past two months. Today is a good day, and I have to keep telling myself that.

So Ive decided to keep a blog again (for what seems to be the millionth time) but this time will be different! I hope. I've been looking through many different people's sites and I much more appreciate those that have a focused topic rather than a general rambling about their day. Well actually I like both types, they each have their good points. I will hopefully figure out a good focus, with little random ranting posts in the mix.

Alex replaces the lyrics to this Crystal Castles' song with the word "meow" in various tones and pitch. It's really cute and silly and addicting. He also does a dance to it, with moves that I can only describe as "mincing." It's funny I wish I could get a video of him doing it. The last time I tried to even take a picture of him when he was doing a silly pose to make me laugh, he almost killed me lol.

Super lazy bloody Saturday.

It's 5:18am and I cannot sleep. I tried earlier but Alex's snores keep me awake. I'm bging to my little heart's content.