Little Breathing Room...

Week of training at the bistro is over. Thank goodness, from here on out I will be getting tips.

Got a bar job but need to wait n see how it works out. At some point I will most likely leave the bistro job for the bar job. But for the first month or so I will try to juggle the two of them - to maximize money and also to make sure the bar job is legit. If the economy wasnt so stupidly broken, and San Diego didn't take fucking months to get people hired I wouldnt have to stagger jobs like this...

In either case, I'm happy to have more work than I know what to do with for the moment. In addition to those two jobs I am also signed up with 3 catering companies and the one staffing agency. Staffing agency sucks. Catering is only 1 event a week, maybe two, so basically I have my weekends locked down with the three companies. But I only do one event a day.

Yesterday and today I had training at the bistro from 8am-11am and then an event for a different catering company from 3-11pm. I am currently resting my foot a bit before I jump back into getting ready for the event tonight. 

I really just want the bar job. It came to me a couple days after I had started training at the bistro though. I like the bistro but the money and hours suck. But they have me at 4 shifts a week starting off so thats basically full-time for a serving position. I couldn't say no to that. Then the bar called me! And they want me! So timing is all screwy. 

My focus today is just to get through this event. This will  be the 6th straight day of work this week. And it starts all over again 7am Monday. 

I really want that bar to get back to me to set up my orientation session! So I can start figuring out how to plant the seeds in my bistro manager's mind about leaving after a month or so.

I really like the people at the bistro, but again, hours and money isnt so great. Money is only ok because its several shifts a week. The whole reason to work is to make money right? So I will see which job brings me more of that, balancing the work environment/coworkers in the equation before making my decision.

AND OF COURSE while I'm dealing with all of this, my dude is still depressed as fuck and I am still feeling like wanting to get into a different line of work. I've no idea what to do with him other than try to be positive and patient. Who the fuck knows if i'm doing a good job or not. At this point I'm just trying to get back to my comfort zone of being able to fully support myself financially as well as save money. Thats always my goal.

End of Another Event

Today I worked an event at a private school in an 'exclusive' neighborhood of town. It was a silent auction with dinner and Sammy Hagar performing afterwards. There were 400 guests attending. I only got to bartend for a little while. I'm not happy about that.

Most companies have a high influx of people that want to bartend. When I signed up with this company the hiring gal told me I'd get more work if I was flexible with what I did. Later I found out she works in the office but also bartends weddings for the company.

Bartending weddings, even through a catering company = crazy tips. People essentially throw twenty dollar bills at the bartender at weddings. I'm not sure if they do that thinking the bartender will tip out the rest of the servers, but we don't. We pocket that cash. So this hiring gal has a super sweet setup for herself. I can't begrudge her that.

However, I did my time with serving and now I want to get behind that bar again. I'll have to demand bartending shifts from the catering director himself. This is how the business goes.

Marriage of Thee Ex

Since I found out my first love got married recently, catering weddings has been a weird experience. Tonight was no exception. I kept thinking over and over how I don't want this kind of wedding. How I would positively hate having all my family under one roof, hate hearing my dad give some fake speech, hate having everyone see my groom bite a ribbon off my thigh or whatever that tradition is...

How can I be so anti traditional situations and yet in a way, wish for them? That's just got to be masochism. To be honest, I don't want any of the traditional wedding. I know the bride was getting banged by 60% of the dudes in the room before the husband walked into the picture. I know the husband date raped hella sorority sisters during his frat years... I am not stupid enough to think that these people are better people than me. I don't make myself feel worse by telling myself I am not good enough for all that planning and fancy ceremony. It's not any of that.

So what is it? I have yet to put my finger on it. All I know for a fact is that I don't want any part of anything that traditional.

However, I do like feeling special. I do like being taken out to nice fancy dinners and dressing up for them. I enjoy money being spent on me and particularly on really good food and drink that I get to enjoy with someone or some people, in company I enjoy.

Perhaps I will feel better about the ex getting married in the nauseatingly traditional way if I were enjoying a nice cup of red wine overlooking some foreign body of water in some foreign country. Something calm and casual. I've got to figure it out. So far all I can think about is looking damn fuckin fine for the rest of my life as being the best medicine to make myself feel better. We'll see if the solution changes again anytime soon.

Weird Day

Today was restless and somewhat aimless. I overate today. All day. Made me very uncomfortable. Mood-swinging boyfriend. Sav tells me patience is the key to surviving this and helping him survive. I'm not sure what to do. I try to fill the house with music, baseball, food and Archer when my guy is slipping. Still, at times he is inconsolable.

Sure wish I had money like I did in the bay. Would be such a weight off our shoulders if I was just raking in the dough like before.

If no staffing agency work tomorrow, possibly going to spend time with the grandparents. If that doesn't happen, will apply to restaurant jobs. Work helps in two ways: money and distraction. During times like these its important to stay busy.

Tomorrow's Return

My guy is officially on the road. He'll drive all night and get home tomorrow late morning/early afternoon sometime. I'm excited to have him come home! I'm not looking forward to cleaning up after him though... I actually got pretty comfortable living alone these past 2 months.

I can't believe I've been living 'alone' for 2 months and nothing bad has happened. Usually when I'm left to my own devices for that long, someone/something gets hurt and/or fucked up. Usually that someone is me! But not this time. Maybe because I've been so busy trying to secure work and adjust to a new place. Maybe because I have family in this city that help me keep my head on straight. Or maybe I've actually grown for the better.

I'm happy he's coming back. I've missed him. Every time I talk to him on the phone I feel so comfortable and understood. No matter what I say, he understands what I actually mean. He checks me when I'm being flighty, over-zealous or impatient. He cuts right through my bullshit and helps keep my feet on the ground.

I hope I can help him adjust back into living for himself. He's been living hardcore for his papa the past couple months. Also for his older brother... Not always a good thing, though he means well by trying to take care of the both of them.

When he comes home, I'll have my schedule going full swing. I'll be working, socializing (which he knows hes invited to participate in) and exercising my right to do whatever the hell I want.

Despite all of my individually-driven nature, I'll be concerned with his comfort level. Since he's been neglecting himself, I'll tend to his physical and mental well-being once he returns. Because I am about being happy and active. I may get in some moody slumps at times, but I naturally am drawn to the positive side of life. I'll do my best to make sure he comes along if he is in the mood to. If not, well I'll make sure he's got someone to talk to if he wants to.

Before Work

I have a million things to do today before work. But after the meal I just ate, I've decided to sit outside with my tortoise for a lil while and let him roam in the garden. This is a big deal for him.

He has not only jumped out of his house on numerous occasions, he's also jumped down my porch stairs trying to get down among the plants. He is just like me, has no real regard for himself when it comes to something he wants.

Putting myself in his shoes I've decided to let him roam around the greenery outside. He's lucky he has someone to watch over his cranky self. So far he loves it and is high-steppin' all over the place. I have to move around to keep him in my sight. Also have to be careful to watch for open spaces under the house, because he will run under there with a quickness.

I wanted to play ingress all day but now that I'm working tonight I cannot. That's okay though, work is more important.

I've got to get ready for work soon. James is going to be pissed when I put him back inside but oh well!

Its really nice sitting out here with him. He is so cute chilling under plants and sniffing around! I should start bringing him out here more often.

Year of the Snake

Per request of a Chinese-American good friend of mine, I've been researching 2013's year of the water snake. There are tons of good websites out there that can detail the year for each chinese animal sign as well as overall year expectations. I'll not go into the sites in this post.

Reading up on this year I've learned that it should be pretty good for my sign the Ox. Predictions are that I will experience an intense move for the better (I did) and experience better career opportunities (idk about that so far but I'm staying optimistic).

One aspect of the year of the snake has to do with sudden changes and death. There have been many deaths and in this year it is said to be prepared for deaths within families. These deaths lead to personal reflection of the surviving family members and hopefully positive mental growth. My guy's dad is on his last legs. There have been some "celebrity" deaths already, and I just learned one of my "uncles" ( I believe he's probably more a '2nd uncle' (grandma's sister's husband)) passed away this morning.

I remember him from my pre-teen years. I never really saw him after the age of 10. He always wore those trucker hats with the breathable mesh back. He smelled ok, kind of musty but not totally unpleasant. As far as I can recall, he was a carpenter (he built a small room at the back of his house for one of his daughters after she had her child). He used to shove his dentures out at us and make us laugh. Later I remember hearing from someone that he was probably a molester, but I never experienced that with him. Still though, once I heard that, I remember not really giving him another thought until this morning when I heard he had passed.

I feel quite insensitive over this whole event. I obviously was not close to him. I'm not really close to that side of my family in general. Once I'm working steadily and dont have to worry how the bills will be paid, I hope to visit with them sometime. Still, my reaction is not one of complete depression and utter fear of mortality, or anything like that. I'm basically nonplussed. I feel like a real asshole putting this out there, but it's what I feel. He is the grandfather of some of my cousins and was married to my nana's sister for what seemed like forever. Clearly he was some kind of loved and good person.

Oh well. I'm an asshole I guess. RIP.

Left and Left

In 2009 I left someone that loved me and that I loved. I tried so desperately to fix the problem but nothing worked. We kept fighting and sleeping separately and it was just a chaotic, sad madhouse. Towards the end there during arguments he started telling me he just wished I would leave, so even though I paid half of everything and deserved to stay just as much as he, I left.

I left one day while he was at work. It was my day off. I threw everything in trashbags and had my cousin bring her SUV over. That was the last time I let him see me for about 4 months.

I know it hurt him deeply. It hurt me too. But how could I stay in the same house with someone who didn't want me there? With someone I did not trust around other females? It was too much.

Now I find myself on what could possibly be the karmic end of things. My guy and I are not constantly fighting, or cheating on each other or anything internal to the relationship like that. He is not sending gifts to girls on the other end of the country.

But I don't know if he's coming back home. He says he is, but he clearly doesn't know when...that freaks me out.

In the meantime, I'm actually doing ok living alone. I've been a bit on pause since he's been gone, as far as adding personal touches to the house but I think I'll just start to take it over.

Its starting to feel nice to live alone. I can just go at my own speed with my own schedule...I am definitely the kind that likes to bring things home for my guy and chatter on about all the random stuff I saw out there but since I've been alone, I've been ok. I enjoy bringing things home still, but now its just my own personal enjoyment that happens.

As work picks up I'm sure the days will go by faster. I hope he comes back. But if he doesn't, I'll be ready for that too.

Changing Life

Life changes so constantly, whether I'm planning it out or not. Cousins n siblings grow up...

Really what I'm trying to say is, it's good to be able to see the changes happening. It's good to be grounded by people that will actually stick around in my life.

Since I've been back in SD that terrible anxiety I was experiencing has dissipated. The super freaky out of body hopelessness has gone. I remember being alone in Oakland just before last Thanksgiving... I remember the strange fear I was experiencing. My inability to feel comfort of any immediate kind. When riding a bicycle down the street was terrifying as I felt the awareness of my own free will rise to the surface.

It was a weird time. I still don't fully understand it. It was completely negative though. There was no creativity, no passion, no nothing but fear and insecurity. I was able to hide it well from others, but when I was alone...

I remember a particular feeling I had. A feeling that I had absolutely no desire to feed myself. This is strange for me, because I really enjoy food. But I remember walking into the kitchen, looking at the stove and going back to lie down in the bed. I lay there for hours on end, feeling myself grow weak.

My body said eat but my brain really did not care. I lost about 10lbs in 2 weeks time.

I can't be alone like that. Not in a hostile environment, where I am scurrying to and from work only to lock myself up in an empty, loveless apartment. Its different here. I am alone here now and I am fine. I have interactions with good people to keep me out of that dark, emotionless place.