Since I found out my first love got married recently, catering weddings has been a weird experience. Tonight was no exception. I kept thinking over and over how I don't want this kind of wedding. How I would positively hate having all my family under one roof, hate hearing my dad give some fake speech, hate having everyone see my groom bite a ribbon off my thigh or whatever that tradition is...
How can I be so anti traditional situations and yet in a way, wish for them? That's just got to be masochism. To be honest, I don't want any of the traditional wedding. I know the bride was getting banged by 60% of the dudes in the room before the husband walked into the picture. I know the husband date raped hella sorority sisters during his frat years... I am not stupid enough to think that these people are better people than me. I don't make myself feel worse by telling myself I am not good enough for all that planning and fancy ceremony. It's not any of that.
So what is it? I have yet to put my finger on it. All I know for a fact is that I don't want any part of anything that traditional.
However, I do like feeling special. I do like being taken out to nice fancy dinners and dressing up for them. I enjoy money being spent on me and particularly on really good food and drink that I get to enjoy with someone or some people, in company I enjoy.
Perhaps I will feel better about the ex getting married in the nauseatingly traditional way if I were enjoying a nice cup of red wine overlooking some foreign body of water in some foreign country. Something calm and casual. I've got to figure it out. So far all I can think about is looking damn fuckin fine for the rest of my life as being the best medicine to make myself feel better. We'll see if the solution changes again anytime soon.
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