Changing Life

Life changes so constantly, whether I'm planning it out or not. Cousins n siblings grow up...

Really what I'm trying to say is, it's good to be able to see the changes happening. It's good to be grounded by people that will actually stick around in my life.

Since I've been back in SD that terrible anxiety I was experiencing has dissipated. The super freaky out of body hopelessness has gone. I remember being alone in Oakland just before last Thanksgiving... I remember the strange fear I was experiencing. My inability to feel comfort of any immediate kind. When riding a bicycle down the street was terrifying as I felt the awareness of my own free will rise to the surface.

It was a weird time. I still don't fully understand it. It was completely negative though. There was no creativity, no passion, no nothing but fear and insecurity. I was able to hide it well from others, but when I was alone...

I remember a particular feeling I had. A feeling that I had absolutely no desire to feed myself. This is strange for me, because I really enjoy food. But I remember walking into the kitchen, looking at the stove and going back to lie down in the bed. I lay there for hours on end, feeling myself grow weak.

My body said eat but my brain really did not care. I lost about 10lbs in 2 weeks time.

I can't be alone like that. Not in a hostile environment, where I am scurrying to and from work only to lock myself up in an empty, loveless apartment. Its different here. I am alone here now and I am fine. I have interactions with good people to keep me out of that dark, emotionless place.