Grateful

Every now and then I stop worrying, st-

-Oh sweet JEEzus the pain when Lucky claws right into my thighs trying to get up on my lap. I seriously cannot wait until he learns how to get a hold of his claws AND gets big enough so that he doesn't have to jump so hard to get on me. The pain is so shocking and annoying I just want to throw his little ass against the wall and yell but I don't. I move extra slowly and calmly pick up his little body, take his claws OUT of my thigh and gently hold him to my chest. Sometimes he's calm while I do this, sometimes he is super violent and thrashing about, clawing the fuck out of my arm. But I stay calm and don't hurt him or scare him, even though my leg hurts like a mother. After a while he chills out. But my leg, ohhh my poor right leg!

I feel like this is a good example of how I should approach my life more often. I am usually calm with others, but never usually gentle or calm with myself.

And back to the topic at hand. Sometimes I really feel very grateful for my life. I stop thinking of how to be everything for everyone else, and I stop comparing myself to everyone I've ever known and I just look around at the life I've got. Despite various pulled muscles, I have good health.

I've lived in the cities I've wanted to live in, and done the things I've wanted to do. I keep my eyes and ears open and jump on the best opportunities I understand and I feel these things have made me a better person.

I still have my inner demons and problems but at least I am not an asshole.

Right now all I can think of is that I need to learn how to co-exist with my guy in the house. Everytime he leaves I get so comfortable being alone. I miss him and I always look forward to him coming home but once he does, the happiness lasts for only a short while and soon I am pissed off and annoyed at having to clean up after him, etcetcetc.

I've got to find a way to co-exist in a way that doesn't piss me the fuck off. All signs keep pointing to just staying involved in my own life and happenings...find more things important to just me and focus on them. But then I feel disconnected from...what?

I still haven't figured any of this living with another person stuff out. Which is funny because I've been living with other people my whole life. Even when I rented a room by myself, I still shared kitchen and bathroom with other people.

See how I jump from feeling calm and good to finding something that immediately stresses me out? Why am I stressing about living with my guy when I have no idea when he will be back? See how I jumped to another topic that immediately stresses me out?

Sigh. I just wanted to write an entry about being optimistic and positive. I wanted to sit and enjoy the feeling of not feeling like a fail ass. Fuck!

Skype Sesh

Yesterday I was napping with Lucky for about 2 hours when I was awoken from one of my usual motley dreams by the skype ringtone coming from my computer speakers. I figured it was a certain friend and I turned the volume down without bothering to check who was calling and went back to lie down. Grabbed my n7 and it told me I had missed a skype call from my guy. Fuck! He's good about calling me back a couple times because I usually never pick up my phone the first time. My volume is always usually on silent. This is not usually a huge problem because I check my phone like every couple minutes.

I call him and he picks up. We talk for about an hour and a half. I am skyping on my n7 for the first time with him so I enable the video feed and he can see me! I show him the changes around the house, Lucky gets plenty of air time and the conversation takes a pleasant tone. Usually talking to him on the phone is extremely frustrating, because his service sucks out there in the desert and my service sucks out here in the city. The call drops 4 or 5 times during one of our long conversations, I get sad and impatient, cranky and usually don't want to continue talking because he cant hear me or whatever. I'm getting annoyed just by typing it out.

But Skype was a lifesaver! Was pretty pleasant, no bullshit dropped calls, he could hear me perfectly and I wasnt even on a headset, just talking towards my n7. The only drawback was seeing myself on video chat the whole time eventually made me a little dizzy. But the conversation was productive, positive and uplifting. I felt happy to be talking to him.

He knows about my drunken fuckups these past couple weeks. I told him about the first one and he was upset so I didnt bother telling him about my most recent losing my bag. I still think he knew though...I think he may have checked up on me via g+, which actually makes me feel good. He doesnt do g+. I'm hoping he eventually finds the need to check up on this blog; he knows it exists he just hasn't read it. Or maybe he has. Who knows.

Though I know certain people read this blog, I really feel comfortable being totally candid on it. There are a handful of people that I would hope wouldn't see it just because they are on my shit list (talking about ex-bfs and ex-lovers here) but I dont really care if they do. I just never expected my guy to do  his research on me. I hope he does.

Once Every Few Months

I do something to really set myself back. In this case I am talking about getting so drunk that I lost my work bag, with all of my plastic cards and work tools inside.

How the hell could I be so careless? Five drinks on an empty stomach would be a good place to start the answer to that question.

I am definitely bothered by this. My day off will now be spent running around town getting new plastic cards. At least I have a paycheck to deposit today as well. And I'm getting another check on Thursday. At least there's money.

This drunken form of carelessness has brought me much stress and frustration since before I was even of legal age to drink. I wish it was as easy as saying hey alcohol isn't for me. But it isn't. Or maybe it could be, but I haven't come to that place yet.

Though I am annoyed with the consequences of my recent actions I have to stop and also recognize the fact that it could have been worse. I live right by a major freeway onramp and I don't remember getting home. I could have been hit by a car. I could have died.

This reminds me of that time in Oakland where my guy and I got in a fight after many drinks at Merchants and then Indian food after. After fighting in the restaurant he left me and headed back home. I, in a drunken stupor, managed to navigate BART and then bike through east Oakland streets. I remember passing by all the drunk people at the taco trucks and seeing a man on the floor who looked dead. I took a picture of him and then stumbled home. I may have fallen. I've fallen before.

It really is a waste of my time and energy. And now money, since I have to replace my phone.

Trying to look on the bright side, I've had to do an early morning bike ride to the DMV that was really lovely. Only slightly unnerving thanks to cars. I'm also re-examining my relationship with alcohol and more importantly my relationship with myself. Man I really need to start giving a damn about myself.

This is the kind of self destructive behavior that my mother has always exhibited. This is how she is homeless right now and I know in my heart that it's because she is too selfish to pull her head out of her ass and the bottle out of her mouth. I don't want to be like her. I'm trying really hard to let my light shine through, and it's Ok if it's troubled at times, or a lil shaky or dim. I just have to care about myself a tiny bit more, in ways that matter, in fundamental ways.

I have to start caring less about others and more about myself. It feels selfish to say this but I really believe that is the only way I can get control over myself.

Life Without Guy

Life with the kitty and without the guy has been going on. Guy has been gone for 3 weeks now. Money has been rolling in as a direct result of working like a fiend. Seeing myself getting back into the mode where I identify with my job more than my free time. As I see it happen I also see myself pull back from it.. I make plans to do different things and though I don't always follow through with those plans, I can envision them. I try to keep it balanced, if that is even possible with money sucking me into its dirty, grimy world.

A confrontation with one of my managers pretty much led to him telling me he respects and likes me and when he moves on, he hinted at me taking his place as bar manager. I did not expect that. I just wanted him to do a little more prepwork haha. I like the idea. I already do a fuck of a lot more prep and maintenance than the other bartenders and would be happy to continue to do so, but get paid extra for it. Also I get along well with the general manager so I'm thinking this is something I need to carefully foot towards.

I am paying fully for the apartment and bills now. And I am getting money left over after everything is paid for. I am getting money left over after everything is paid for AND I splurge on food or a shopping excursion. I can support my little pet friends and myself just fine by myself. I can take my little cousin out to a couple nice meals where we can bond a bit through pleasant conversation before she leaves for the army. This is a really good feeling. It does come at a price but what is the lesser of the two evils? Either unable to support myself and left in dire straits when my partner decides he cant pay his half or able to support myself and lonely because constant work.

There's a cook at my job that is interested in me. At first I thought it was just superficial sex interest, and I stayed away from all that. But he's not from around here so I think maybe he just wants to make friends. Either way I am super cautious. Basically I am the type of person that if someone expresses interest in me, I hit the brakes and create distance. I can't take the time to deal with all that, usually. Unless I am also interested in the person, then I have no problem doing my part to weave the romance into reality.

But in this case, I am keeping my distance. There's no way I want to be that woman that gets involved with another man while her guy is off taking care of his dying father. No thanks. Although I did have a dream last night about a very handsome stranger that piqued my interest. I was relieved to see that he wasn't an exact replica of my ex, as most of my romantic interests in my dreams have been up to this point. He was dark featured though. He also had a great sense of humor that was pushy in the right ways. Challenging. I'm always a fan of that!

So for now I continue along in my waking life of working constantly and dreaming my nights away about love and intrigue that I hope will come into my life again one day.

Call at Work

Today I got a phone call from my guy at work. He is in New Mexico at his ill father's side.

He called me to tell me that his dad went into the emergency room with an infection this morning. The doctors don't know what it is exactly. All they know is that the chemo he did this past Wednesday really weakens the immune system, and makes him susceptible to infection. Well something got through and the man is in the hospital with a fever.

My guy says the dad hasn't passed any urine since being in hospital. The stepmom, a nurse, is worried his internal organs may have stopped functioning.

My guy called me to tell me all of this. I told him dont scare himself further thinking the organs have stopped working...just try and stay calm and wait to hear what the doctor says. The dad has been in the emergency room before, and came out okay...that may be the case this time as well.

He told me the man is totally out of it, and can't communicate with them at the moment.

It sounds like it may really be the end. I advised my guy to try and stay calm until the dad comes out of it, and the next time he is coherent, to tell him things that he would feel ok with knowing those are the last things he said to his dad. Just to be prepared. Right now, if the dad passed, my dude would not have said anything eternal to him. Probably the last thing he said to him was goodnight.

So I told him to tell him the things he wants to say. The things that he can live the rest of his life knowing he said to his father before he passed.

It was fuckin intense to suggest this to my guy, but I know that is something that would eat me up, so I had to suggest it.

He had a super small voice when he said "ok." He is so scared and sad. I am scared and sad for him. But I know as long as he clears his chest with his father, he will be able to move on to the next day.

Luckily I am making enough money so that if the dad passes, I can fly myself out there for the aftermath. I don't want my guy to feel alone, because he is not.

First Full Night Alone Again

My guy is taking his dad to chemotherapy in the morning...he will probably be getting up in 2 hours, or 3am his time...the drive to Albuquerque takes about 2 hours so they need a real headstart.

His dada's hair has finally fallen out, after years of chemo...

He called me today, having driven straight from here to there. He sounded a bit delirious but definitely ready to sleep, which I hope he did, immediately and hopefully non-stop until he needs to get up in the morning.

Today I ate better than usual. Lots of greens for breakfast, ravioli and greens for lunch and just ate some greens and a piece of pork for late dinner. Usually I don't do anything heavier than veggies after the night shift, but something told me to get some protein in me and let it sit there overnight.

I've also been drinking more milk lately. The back pull I experienced last Wednesday really freaked me out. I thought I was scared pulling my foot muscles, the back strain was 100 times worse. Since then I've been making the effort to eat better. The internet told me a bunch of things but one thing that never occurred to me was how the food I eat directly affects my actual physical health. I've always thought in terms of food and weight. But in reality, the food I eat directly affects my muscles and their ability to function, as well as all the other parts of my body. It might sound like a "no shit" kind of thing, but realizing it is pretty intense.

So I'm sufficiently freaked out and am trying to eat well to repair my body asap.

My kitty is sitting in my lap as I type this. He's being a lot better now than he was this morning. He was attacking the hell out of me in my sleep. Since my guy is gone I dont think the kitty is used to the lack of cuddles. I cuddle him but I also am constantly doing something in the house like cleaning. My guy would just sit and play with the kitty for hours.

I'm glad the kitty is here.

Tomorrow I have my first professional hair appointment in probably a year, maybe longer. I am going to wake up, wash the hell out of my hair and prepare to experiment. This stylist better know how to handle super crazy hair or else I'm just gna get a trim and gtfo. I also want to get stuff for James tomorrow. I might have to call my dad. Also have to call the chiropractic office and see if they can fit me in on Thursday.

I'm really all over the place. I'm happy I can take care of myself.

Drunk at Work

Saturday night I expected him to be gone. He needs to go visit his father, maybe for the last time. It's been "maybe for the last time" for the past 2 years...

Anywho I went to work and told him I'm fine with him staying til I'm back home, or leaving while I was at work. Either way I absolutely HATE saying goodbye for an indefinite/or prolonged period of time. So either way it would suck for me. Nothing can make that feeling better for me. It sucks. I hate it. I despise it. If it was alive, I might consider murdering it.

So I go to work. Work is a blessing. It takes my attention, it focuses my energy, it pays me...I don't have to think about anything else. If I think about something that bums me out, well guess what I have a brand new customer at the bar and I need to smile and engage verbally. No time for being moody or sad. I seriously fucking love working.

The night shift starts off slow. One of the owners comes in with her bartender boyfriend and they take up space at my bar with their friends but I have to be on my A-game because she is the owner for heaven's sake. My attention is diverted. I'm not thinking about a month ahead of me of coming home to an empty house. I'm not dreading anything. I'm totally energetic and my back pain has ceased, my worries are all work-related and therefore completely fixable.

The end of the night comes closer, cooks come out to get some beers...the bar then fills up with Russian professional dancers that are looking to get wasted and I'm making cocktails like mad. My manager decides he wants us all to try new wines on the wine list and I start drinking. No need to think about going home or missing my guy or showing up to family functions alone or figuring out what to do with myself, we all get plowed.

10 minutes before I am set to go home I look out the window and see my guy! I go outside to the dining patio and talk to him through the gate. He tells me about the return of James and how it has postponed his departure because he wants to make sure we can get James all settled in before he leaves. We go home together. I tell him I didn't plan on seeing him. I thought he would have been gone so I went ahead and got myself nice and drunk so I could go home and just immediately go to sleep, no energy or time to sit up thinking.

He doesn't like that. Tells me it's self-destructive. I realize he's right. It's always worked for me in the past though. I am a mix of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and "out of sight, out of mind." Maybe 50/50, its hard to say. My point is...got to try to stop heavy boozing when it comes to dealing with really saddening situations. I can deal with anger, annoyance, stress...well I can't really but I can do it without drinking. But when it comes to sadness... I just don't have the stomach for it.

Dying Man and Those Left Behind

He's dying. He is literally almost gone. What does almost gone mean? I don't even know.

All I know is he is causing much stress to everyone that loves and cares about him. They are freaked the fuck out about him "leaving."

Death is so inconvenient. Everyone is freaking out but there is nothing anyone can do. The man has done everything he can think of, and has prolonged everyone's agonizing experience by five years. He has prolonged his own pain by five years.

One of my grandfathers died from lung cancer. When they found out, it was too late. He could have tried to stay alive but he didn't. He didn't do anything but die for three months and then he was gone. He left an immeasurably large hole in the heart of my father's side of the family. My grandma moved on and remarried a positive, upbeat and healthy man but her kids were scarred by losing their dad. But still, he was gone in a couple months. It was not drawn out.


This man has lived for six years with this diagnosis/reality/horrible destiny.


It's the dissolution of a family core that is scaring everyone. I'm trying to say this is why it's important to make your own family. Not that I want to be birthing tons of kids or anything, but it's very important to keep people around you. This is why people have families. So they are not alone. This includes when former cores of the family start to die off.

I am feeling very insensitive about this whole situation. I look at it realistically and it is fucking annoying and exhausting. My dude is going nuts with fear, his older brother is drinking himself to death, the step-mom is planning her exit from the scene once the dad dies...it's a really horrible situation. I am not happy to be a part of it. I try to be active and normal so my guy doesn't completely lose it, but it's getting really old for me.

I don't want to spend energy trying to give my guy energy because he's so fucked up over the 6 years of impending death. I want the man to go already. I want his suffering to end and everyone else's as well. I want my dude to be able to move the fuck on with his life! I am excited at the prospects of us doing fun things together because we simply just want to!

I will not break up with my guy over this. I refuse to be that girl that totally walks out on a man when he is in his darkest hour. His ex did all of that to him already and I am not trying to be the same way. I'm not even planning on breaking up with him once his dad is gone. I am just trying to wrap my head around the situation. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and just hang on, no matter how depressing or annoying or sad the situation gets.

We don't hurt each other. We are different tempo type people, but his laid back helps my high strung to chill out sometimes. I still think our relationship is valuable and our friendship is unmistakable.

I just wish his mind would be here, with me. Instead of constantly in agony, two states away at all times.

Positive Ex Dream

I've been trying to figure out how to let go of my ex for a long time. I was trying before he found his new girl, trying while they courted and trying now that they are married. Finally I had a dream last night that helped put me in a real good mental place.

First my brain established my current guy as my guy (sex). Then my ex popped into the storyline, his mom was babysitting the neighbor's baby girl. So my ex was right there, watching TV in the living room in that calm way I've seen him do a million times, legs all folded up in front of him. I saw him but didn't say anything. In my dream I was a bit more on the grimy side, which was pretty much the role I played in the relationship since he is a Leo/Virgo and always looks impeccable even when he doesn't.


He faced me and asked me what I thought about his marriage. I told him I'm happy if he's happy. I asked him if he was happy. He said yes but was getting teary-eyed. I said "just a bit emotional though?" and he nodded. In the dream it was pretty unspoken that we both have a bit of a bleeding heart for the past. Being able to talk to him felt really nice, and I kinda wish things had ended on a bit more of a positive note so that it could be done in real life too.

But I am happy I got to have the dream. At that point the dream veered off into some crime scene investigation situation and I went to go get my guy so my ex could meet him. Not sure why that was my goal, but my ex was into it. But the dream took weird plot twists and I had to get up n go to the bathroom so it ended. But I just felt so damn nice having talked to my ex. Calm and resolute. I was really happy!

At that point Lucky started mewing for attention so I got back into bed and let him snuggle on my chest. Finally my brain did something to calm me down instead of stress me. Very nice dream.

Day Off

I had a really good day today. Got up early, bathed, fed myself and headed out to get Lucky his collar and I.D. tag made...

I took my bicycle on the trolley for the first time since moving to San Diego. It was very easy and low maintenance. Convenient and enjoyable. After a nice trolley ride my bike cut my remaining travel time in half. It was sunny and beautiful outside. I really felt happy to have chosen to relocate myself to socal.

I got Lucky's ID tag made then headed back home. The lady at the store was super nice. Pet people are so chill, they really are. Since getting Lucky I've seen a whole other side of humanity. Pet owners are cool people! After my store experience I was going to deposit my tip check into a new credit union account but I got hungry. I went home to munch on some veggies and get ready to take kitty to his first vet visit.

He was deemed healthy and then the vet tried to make me spend super amounts of money. I got the bare minimum (vaccinations, de- worming and one other thing that escapes me now) and it was still a little pricey. My guy reminded me that the kitty is still really young and if I take care of him now, it will cut down on healthcare costs for him later.

I'm glad he's being taken care of. It's worth the money. I felt a little too responsible afterwards because I chose to come home n eat instead of go out for sushi like I was craving. I actually stopped spending money.

My mind is starting to wander. I'm getting sleepy. It's amazing how much a person's life can easily change when they adopt a pet. I'm not quite crazy cat lady but our little home has definitely gotten a lot nicer since the kitty arrived. More present-minded and focused. Also less stressful and to be honest, having Lucky around has completely diverted my attention from worrying about my guy.

Its all snuggles n naptime in our house right now, even with my guy. So far so good.