People helping people

He said nothing matters. Losing a loved one to death matters but that's it. Thats all he can think of right now...

I know that things matter but bad things, they have no matter. Stress doesn't matter. Frustration is real, yes. But frustration of dealing with one idiot is not enough reason to stress myself to death.

I am going through a very empowering time right now. I am learning how to let go of all those bad things...all those things people kill over, die over, hurt others over...I am learning how to let all of these things go.

Thank goodness I have chosen the right person this time. The person that I can actually understand when he speaks to me. I thank him for his help and will do whatever I can to help him in return.

Stress is B.A.D

I'm like a child
Except instead of learning how to live
I am barely learning how to have fun

This may sound strange but its true. The past 10 years have been all negative self talk and massive stress. Trying to prove myself to others... I've put myself last on my list of priorities. This would be fine if I were still doing the same thing, unaware of the reality of life.

But that cover has been lifted from my eyes. I see the importance and eventual nothingness of life. It's everything and nothing at the same time.

Perhaps the stress brought this on? Perhaps it was just my time to wake up.

Either way it is here and it is what it is.

I cant stand when people hurt one another. I can't stand anything that isn't love and caring for one another.

It's such a waste of extremely precious time.

Winding drive through the mountains

This is why he gets lost. He gets lost in his father's mind.

I am doing a good thing being here. Good for him, but also good for us. Good to keep his mind focused. Good for me as I connect with people again.

Everyone has the capacity to connect with others. But I got a bit sidetracked by work. That's all it is. I am learning to balance work and play... I will be ok!

Departure date finally set!

We will be leaving here in a couple days. We are driving back and my guy found a way that doesn't include the grapevine so I'm pretty happy about that.

Last time we drove back, the car gave us a lil trouble in the grapevine... but no matter what, it will not happen this time. Thank goodness.

I'll go back to Oakland... Back to working at the coolass lil restaurant. Hopefully the rainy season in the bay chills out a little bit on me since I'm still riding my bike everywhere.

Will hopefully spend no more than a month combined in Oakland... Got a Texas trip coming up in January to visit family. I'll just look forward to that trip to get me through December.

Then January will come and I'll be back around family. Back around familiar places which means I can hopefully recharge my mental batteries... keep being good in this relationship with this decent guy.

I will cut down the stress. I will learn to have fun and relax again, without being shitfaced drunk or attached to a computer game. I am in control of myself and I love myself.

Best friend or best enemy?

It's no secret that we are our own worst enemies... But can we be our own best friends?

Think about this, everyday and everything that happens, we have to judge and decide if we like it or not. If we want to participate or not (usually not, or maybe yes!) and then we act. Simultaneously for every process. It's amazing, a miracle, and very commonplace.

Then we have the conflict of our rational thinking and our instinctual being. Muscle memory fits under the "instincts" part of our living experience.

Let's investigate whether or not we can be our own best friend: 
I am a bartender. I have a stressful job. I talk to many people per shift and I am multi-tasking because I am making drink after usually complicated drink. While running food, making sure everyone is happy and also making sure they always have a drink, etc.

I like working as a bartender, or "cantinera" as my coworkers call me. Because it is so stressful, it helps take my mind off other stress and then I get paid well at the end of the night.

But what I fail to realize, and what puts my mind more on the enemy end of the spectrum is that stress needs to be taken down, abstained from, released in a positive way, regularly. If I do not do this, and I have NOT been practicing this, it is bad for my physical and mental health. I don't think about this in the many moments of my regular schedule, and it really adds up.

I can argue that I am working on being my own best friend because I realize this. I can also argue that im doing the enemy thing because I'm possibly 'over thinking.'

The only way I can be good to myself after realizing this is by taking steps to change my own behavior. In this instance, changing my lil work universe around... Specifically I will most likely drop a work shift and also try to be more active.

A side note: I received a call from work last night. I looked at the caller id and thought to myself "fuck what if it's my boss, she's pissed I'm gone so long even though I got my shifts covered... Would she fire me? No way she'd fire me, dude always takes super time off I'm sure I'm cool... Right?" And so on and so forth. I tortured myself with these thoughts while a voicemail was left. I continued to torture myself for about 10 minutes until I said "fuck it, I'm going to listen to the voicemail and stop wondering." And I did. And it was only my coworker asking if I could cover a shift for him. See what I do to myself? Unnecessary!

Opening my eyes to myself

This may sound strange... But one day I woke up and decided to be nice to myself. I've no idea how I managed this long always putting others before myself...

Anytime I ever did something "good" for myself, it was out of fear... Or shame or guilt. Or obligation to others. Anytime, every time!!

Anyway. Life can be kind of scary sometimes. But the best feelings come from it of course. Can't be without it. So just gna have to learn to keep up with myself.

Other people help a lot. Whoever said "hell is other people" failed to point out that hell can also be ourselves, alone.

And work is good. I loved work for so long. Just forgetting everything and working... But too much work is bad. Very bad. I've learned this the hardest way!!!

Update or Starting to find my place again

Everything is covered on the work end of the spectrum... My shifts are all covered this week... The orders I had to make are all put in... Aside from a possible phone conversation with my boss, everything is taken care of.

I am extremely appreciative of my guy's family. They have given me a very good thing, that I've been depriving myself of - sincere and trustworthy human interaction. They've helped me immensely. I hope to soak up the good vibes and have them carry me through what I hope is my last month in the bay.

I'm going to have to actively continue to try to cool out on the stress. I can force myself to paint with no real privacy and maybe get back into reading some good books. Exercise will also be important.

More than anything, positive self-talk needs to become the norm. No blaming others, no talking down to myself... If I'm going to really chill out I'm going to have to start by being nicer to myself mentally. I know I can do it, now I just have to do it.

Outside with the wind chimes

Today started off rough. It's gotten to a better place now.

There was a stray dog the older brother took in last week. It ate some chickens and started tearing up the trash outside. The brother didn't take care of the animal. Plus it was abused to begin with.

Needless to say, the people living here have enough to deal with, with the dad being terminally ill, than to have the energy and focus of mind to discipline and rehabilitate a battered, stray dog.

We took him to the pound because the older brother refused to.

They asked us why we brought him. We said he killed some chickens and we couldn't take care of him.

The lady said "killing livestock is against the law in New Mexico... He'll have to be put down."

My guy and I were stunned. We'd never taken an animal to the pound before, and here we were already expecting the worst and it just got worse than either of us could have imagined.

I won't write about how I could feel the dog's fear and sadness. I won't write about how terrible it felt to leave him there. How we cried or got angry, and my guy vented his frustration with his older brother's inability to get up off his ass and take care of the dog he took in.

What I learned today is something life continually teaches me. Don't take on more than you can handle. Dont bite off more than you can chew. Just dont. It might seem selfish but really its better off for everyone involved.

When someone needs you

When someone comes up to you and silently asks you to affirm the usefulness of life for them... You fucking do it. You hold that person and stay silent. You let them hug you and you let them cry. You hug them back and you kiss their neck and rub their back and you tell them everything is going to be ok. That's what you fucking do and in that moment you let go of all of your own irrational fears and you believe it for yourself as well.

A study on the inner mind and the outer action

He sat and talked to me. Without my permission, without the slightest indication from me that I was interested. He talked to me about subjects I had zero interest in. He talked fervently and long.

I busied myself doing things that I only wanted to do because I knew I should. If I did not, there would be dirty dishes and trash everywhere.

I was happy to help. Then I was happy to interact and listen to this man.

In the back of my mind I thought, this man is dying. He's talking so much because he knows his time is short, his days are numbered and closer to the end than the beginning.

I interacted enthusiastically with him, but inside my head I was in quite a dark place. I started tunnel-visioning... My limbs were restless. I couldn't stop thinking about mortality, about what is the use? I felt I might forget how to talk and just started grunting responses to him, responses he did not acknowledge as he talked on and on...

Then my guy showed up. I hugged him and I said "now I understand how you know so much about everything. You were raised by a man who talked and talked and filled all the space up between your ears."
He laughed and said "yeah, and I also learned how to listen from him. I learned to sit still and listen to people when I had really no interest to do so. That's why I can endure shitty situations where I am not comfortable."

I was relieved when he took over talking to his dad, and I was able to slink away and breathe.

Trying to figure out date of departure

He wants to be near his dad. I don't blame him.

The fog of alcohol abuse has lifted from both of our minds. We are seeing things clearly now. The things that are most important to us are now healthy and good. These are the times to stay together the most.

Can I "afford" to up and leave Oakland? I definitely want to. I'd love to not go back. Just to pick up some belongings and that's it. I'd love to but can I? Should I?

Nobody has asked this of me. But I know I'd much rather drive back with him than take planes, by myself, again. And the way things are going, he's not leaving here for another week at least.

I've got to find out what his priorities are and see where I am on that list. If I'm not very high, then I've got to know that. And after I know the facts, I can act accordingly. He might not have to put me first, but I've got to.

Concept of Family or Why doesn't my guy's family eat together?

Being a part of a bi-racial couple, differences in cultural norms and traditions has always been something I constantly experience and when there's a problem/lapse in communication, I can consider our different upbringings as key to understanding what's going on. It used to be the first thing my mind turned to for clarity, but as time has gone by, it's not entirely accurate in all situations.

However, when it comes to family, are different cultures actually different? Family is one of the most important things in life. When I say family I also include close friends in that definition.

My guy's family is white American. His dad is German descent from Pennsylvania and his mother is mixed Irish and Scottish, hailing from California. Mine is Mexican. My parents were born here in the states but 3 of 4 of my grandparents are from Mexico. The only non-Mexican was a half Irish, half New Mexican grandfather from Wisconsin.

There are certain things you just don't do in the Mexican family. Leaving without saying goodbye is one of them. But my guy's family members do this all the time! I found it rude at first until I realized its actually just a manifestation of independence.

Most actions of the individual in white american culture are just that: independent actions of an independent person. At times this includes excluding any/everybody else. Mexicans are not like this at all. We can express individuality while retaining our position as one person part of a whole family. We prefer to take others into consideration, if not their feelings then at the very least their existence.

Food also plays a large part in the family concept. Eating together is a natural, everyday, common occurrence for Mexicans. We don't have to all sit at the same table, but when you make an actual meal, you make enough for everyone. At the very least you're not surprised, and in fact you expect someone to come along asking for a bit of your food. Eating together, talking while you eat, being casual about where you eat (living room, watching TV, while talking to your mom in the hallway) are all things that just happen.

White American families (this one in particular) hardly eat together. I used to make food for my guy all the time until he started objecting. He doesn't eat so early after he wakes up or he's " not hungry" right now... If I were another female I might have a complex about my food but I was raised by my grandma so I know my cooking is good.

But again there is that concept of "the individual." My guy sincerely just doesn't feel like eating at the same time I do! This isn't all the time, but enough of the time for me to learn to stop cooking with him in mind. Now that he's drinking considerably less, I'm hoping he will eat more, and in a more regular fashion. I also plan on going over to my grandmother's house for dinner as often as possible when we move back to San Diego.

To me, the less you take others into consideration, the more disconnected you are from them. It just doesn't sit well with me. But the longer I am involved with him, the more I am realizing the value of thinking for myself, and of myself. It's been pretty difficult but definitely a  valuable skill/point of view. It's something to be aware of.

One day I woke up and everything was different.

Evening meditation..

It's easy to stay positive. It's easy! Just let every gesture, every word and thought be positive. When its negative, hear it out and let it go...it will float away again into nothingness, no longer for you to worry about.

Being who you are

It's difficult at first
You are so used to different faces
All of the people and personalities that you've met
They create something new

This isn't a bad thing
But sometimes it can be misleading
And self destructive
And self abusive

Learning to just be the person you were born to be
Is the hardest thing at first
Then it gets easier
Then it's hard again

But sometimes you get lucky
And meet the right people
That put you back on the path
To be the person you always were

Morning after turkey day 2012

Haven't seen my guy in over a week. For over a week I've had a big bed all to myself. I slept in super weird positions and I didnt sleep much.

Last night I fell asleep in the living room chair after that horrendous Jets game. He wakes me up and takes me to the guest bedroom where I happily get into the twin size bed, looking forward to sleeping for at least 12 hours... He climbs *into the bed next to me* ... Really? We're sharing this tiny bed? I'm glad you missed me but um could you pull out the ol' trundle and give me some space buddy?

I just had the most claustrophobic sleep ever! But I slept the whole night through! Good morning!

A new resolve

The way things are looking... I'm not coming back here without my dude. I'll get people to cover my shifts at work and pay the extra... Wait he's driving back! O heck yea I'm definitely coming back with him. Fuck this solo shit! Its not the time!!

Fuckin psychos...heck no!

1 day til trip

12:57am
Wednesday November 21, 2012

Well it's finally Wednesday!! I've been waiting for this day because it means I get on a plane tomorrow morning, bound for the desert. I'll meet up with my guy, our family and a much slower pace of living. I tend to shine in those environments, with my naturally frenetic energy. Or at least I like to think so.

I get to enjoy the naturally calm excitement that comes with these upcoming days. It feels like a lifetime since I've seen my guy! But I think it was good I had these last couple days off from work and just spent them alone... It really has been a de-stressing experience for me. It hasn't been easy, but I feel like I've been forced to really cleanse myself of a lot of stress.There's no way in hell I would have enjoyed the early morning plane flight tomorrow if I was working tonight and getting out of work late.

This way I'm not rushed, I'm focused on the trip, and not split between stressing out at work and stressing out at the airports. If I stress at the airport it will be a normal amount, and not largely overwhelming. But I'm not worried about that now.

I'm thinking of turkey, good food, resting, football, geeking out on my tablet, visiting with the family, shooting guns, stomping around in my boots, working on model trains, and most of all - CUDDLING with my dude! It's going to be great.

Thinking about old loves. The one that got away. I couldn't hold on! I had to take care of myself. That boy would not have been happy until he completely took my soul.

I couldn't comply. But oh the eroticism of his attempts! Good times.

2 days until trip

2:13pm
Tuesday November 20, 2012

As I paint, when my mind is not trying to problem solve the painting, this is the mantra I tell myself.

"Constantly stressed is not my natural state. Constantly stressed is not what I want! I'm doing a good thing pulling myself out of it. Stress is bad for me. I'm doing a good thing taking myself out of conflict and constant stress! This thinking is good for me. This thinking will keep me up."

3 days until trip

6:24pm
Monday November 19, 2012

I thought of many topics to write about today. Most of the time I was in the middle of an activity of some kind and was not able to jot the ideas down, so I lost a lot of them. But they will come back. I cleaned today, and I also went on a relatively relaxing bike ride. Not exactly note taking-friendly activities.

When I say "relatively relaxing bike ride" I make that distinction because I had to navigate Oakland streets to get to the relaxing area... Usually I go straight through the craziness of the main streets but today I took my time. I wound around through the nicer streets until I felt prepared to go through the main streets to get to my destination.

I suppose that's the way I'm trying to train myself to live my life. There are inevitably stressful parts, like work. But I don't have to go headlong into these stressful places. I can take the time to prepare myself by going through the avenues that are more relaxing first. There is no rush.

I will have all of those things in life that are worth working for. Career, family... all of those things will come, because I'm aware of them and I want them. I've already established that I can work hard. There's no need to keep stressing myself out over work.

I'm so glad I spent these years bartending. It's really helped me learn how to talk to people. I spoke to several people today. All of them were doing activities to relax as well.

Should vs Want

"I should do this"..."I should do that." Should I put all this pressure on myself? No! Modern life has its own myriad pressures, so why exactly should I add to them?

"Should" is all I know, fundamentally speaking. Constant pressure to perform at top speed and with as close to an image of perfection as possible. That was my upbringing. It was emphasized mostly through school/academia. But once I got used to never being good enough in school, the attitude started to spread to other parts of my life. I am barely understanding this now. I'm hoping to undo this very harmful thinking.

So I went and did the perfect school career. But as it was happening I experienced what many people do: there's a whole world other than school, and I've no idea how to navigate it at all!

And more than that, the things that matter to me most are in this real world. People are far more important than high status jobs or reputation. Its how I was raised. We didn't have much but we had each other. So I didn't go after some high profile job after school was finished, which surprised a lot of people and confused my dad. I went on a search to find the beautiful, struggling people... People like those I grew up around, the ones that made my childhood so colorful and substantial. That's how I ended up in Oakland. My strive for and pride in perfectionism did not allow me to accept going back to my hometown where these actual people were!

I "should" live in Oakland. I "should not" move back with people that love me. I "should" love living in the bay because its so cultural and awesome and so much better than anywhere else and blah blah blah... Fuck shoulds!

I want to change my mind to do things because I "want" to. I'll still take a shower if I don't feel like it, because I gota keep good hygiene, but everything else better watch it. Because all of these "shoulds" have gotten me nothing but anxiety for no reason. And there's nothing more useless than that!

Greed and Stress, or a Glimpse into the Restaurant World

At my job there are two shifts - day and night. At night there are two and sometimes three people working the front of the house. One bartender and one server on weeknights, or one bartender and two servers on Friday and Saturday nights.

There is a female that has been working the weekend day shifts for the past couple years. I covered her shift today. Day can get crazy, because you are the only person working the front of the restaurant. That means you make all the drinks and take all the orders/serve all the food. At times it can get a bit out of hand. It's not steadily busy enough to keep a second person working. Sometimes you only see 5 customers in a weekend day shift. Sometimes you see 40. It's just your bad luck if you get caught with 40 customers all wanting attention at the same time. Guess what type of luck I had today? I had the urge to throw a cold salad in an old lady's face today. That might give you an idea.

But the more I thought about it, and removed myself from the equation, the more I realized this is a perfect example of an owner that does not do her job. She hopes to cut costs, so she hires just enough people that are able to get the job done, and sometimes not even that. She does not have a manager, nor a financial person (though I suppose a manager could handle the money part too).

Don't get me wrong, shes a really nice lady. But recently shes moved 4 hours away, and she somehow expects to be able to manage the restaurant from that far a distance. At her new house she has dodgy internet connection at best, so she cant even properly handle the money files via telecommunication. She relies on her staff to handle her money, make deposits at the bank, withdraw money from the bank, order condiments, coffee, basically all of the materials she needs...

As I write this down I realize its quite a mess. I liked working there because its small and intimate, and I only have one other coworker to interact with at any given time. But more than that, I liked the owner. It's such a shame she had to move so far away. But too bad, she needs to hire a damn manager! I dont get paid to run ragged to keep her restaurant working!

I told her today I plan on moving in February, and that I was telling her now so that would give her ample time to find a new person to replace me. I'm telling her so early ahead because I like her, and I love working at this restaurant. I like to take my time when saying meaningful things like this to people but in this case I had to blurt this out quickly, because she was busy talking about how the many splendid ways she could make me manage her restaurant for no extra pay. Once she actually processed what I was saying, she calmed down quickly. Her tone of voice changed from demanding and stressed, to calm. She calmly withdrew her stress from my brain and I felt SO GOOD!

I was so happy I stood up for myself. I wasn't dragged even further into her stress. I did my job. I even did my co-workers job! Covering for her... I felt great telling my boss to handle her own business... not in so many words of course...

I asked the female co-worker once, how it felt to work a really busy day shift by herself. Her eyes glazed over a bit and she feebly said "it can get pretty stressful at times..." then recovering herself she quickly added "but you get to keep all the money to yourself, you know?"

I know. And its NOT worth it!

Choosing a state of mind

Most people do not grasp the concept of choosing states of mind. There is much value in being exposed to and aware of extremely negative and stressful states of mind. These states are as powerful and useful as positive mindsets and experiences are.

The reason is this: being aware of and exposed to these states of mind increases the brain's repertoire. The mind is not limited to one mind-numbing state of being. But more than that, the mind can be aware of what is a more desirable mindstate. A person does not have to be stuck in this one place of mind!

Example: As I know this stress, this anxiety, these negative panic-inducing feelings are bad (they limit me in many ways), I know the opposite mindstates are desirable. The happy, the confident and relaxed mindstates are what I want.

The next step is then evaluation of what is causing the negative, and taking steps to revoke or erase these stimulations. Sometimes a complete overhaul of lifestyle is necessary. Also, any little change is important and functional.

4 days til trip

1:22am
Saturday November 17, 2012

I really cannot wait to get the fuck out of this town. The stress is way too high. I need to be around elders that can guide me.

And when I'm old, I need the imperative of guiding youth to keep me going. It's the damn circle of life and its that simple! None of this living alone business. This is crazy business best left to solitary animals. Like tortoises, or deep sea squids. Not me!

Administrators have no place as counselors

I'm waiting in the waiting room and one of my comrades comes out. He looks around quickly and tries to give me a subway sandwich he had left on a waiting room chair while he did his thing. He literally comes up to me with wide eyes and says "hey can you do me a favor? Can you just eat this sandwich?"

I say no thanks I just ate and after looking around, babbling about a "new lady," he runs out the front door, intent on finding someone to eat his sandwich. I told him there were plenty of people outside and I was sure he could find someone. He's already out the door.

Before I get a chance to process this strange encounter, a lady ushers me into her office and immediately begins changing my schedule around. I try to go along with her, in hopes that she'll go away (I do this a lot at work) but she starts running to the door and tries to get the secretary to sign me up for activities I'm not even aware of. I finally decide to engage and get her to calm down from that. I ask her who she is. She tells me she's in charge of this whole operation but she's been in Modesto the past week.

Huh? I've been involved in this damn program since May and I haven't seen her once. Wtf is going on?

She asks me some questions and I swear, it has never been more painfully obvious to me that when people are actually going through substance withdrawals, there is no worse place to be than a rehab program.

I doubt I'm actually the type of person that needs help from this kind of program, but if I was, I'd be totally fucked! She was SO distracted. Asking me questions without being even SLIGHTLY interested in my answers. Seriously the worst counselor I've ever encountered. After thoroughly mentally violating me she speeds through her paperwork and I am dismissed.

I biked to the train in light rain afterwards.

12:07am-12:21am
Friday November 16, 2012
6 days until trip

Today was a long day. My last long day of work and other obligations before the thanksgiving trip to the desert. I told my coworker that I like the most about my idea to move. He supported it fully. In his words, " you're young, why the hell not."

He liked the idea of me moving to the desert over southern California. He said he'd do it in a heartbeat. Now if only I can muster up the same energy and excitement. I know its somewhere in me! I used to be a very adventurous person. Maybe the bay sucked it from me. There's another thing I can blame on the expensive bay area!

No matter where I move, I need to wait until March 2013. Which is a bummer because the damn bathroom sink in this apartment is going to cost me my entire security deposit. The damn thing has leaked enough to cause mold growth & damage! It's gross. I came in the apartment today and smelled it. Well that may be the trash I need to take out but I'm sure the mold is contributing.

I'll take the trash out tomorrow. I'm tempted to throw it out the window but that is way too trashy... Even though I doubt anyone in my packed lil corner of the street would care. I must not! I will endure the stinkiness.

That's enough for now. I'm happy I'm able to link this blog to my g+ page. Google is so convenient and makes everything so easy PLUS they find a use for everything! I love that. I completely forgot I had this site. But now it has been resurrected.