"I should do this"..."I should do that." Should I put all this pressure on myself? No! Modern life has its own myriad pressures, so why exactly should I add to them?
"Should" is all I know, fundamentally speaking. Constant pressure to perform at top speed and with as close to an image of perfection as possible. That was my upbringing. It was emphasized mostly through school/academia. But once I got used to never being good enough in school, the attitude started to spread to other parts of my life. I am barely understanding this now. I'm hoping to undo this very harmful thinking.
So I went and did the perfect school career. But as it was happening I experienced what many people do: there's a whole world other than school, and I've no idea how to navigate it at all!
And more than that, the things that matter to me most are in this real world. People are far more important than high status jobs or reputation. Its how I was raised. We didn't have much but we had each other. So I didn't go after some high profile job after school was finished, which surprised a lot of people and confused my dad. I went on a search to find the beautiful, struggling people... People like those I grew up around, the ones that made my childhood so colorful and substantial. That's how I ended up in Oakland. My strive for and pride in perfectionism did not allow me to accept going back to my hometown where these actual people were!
I "should" live in Oakland. I "should not" move back with people that love me. I "should" love living in the bay because its so cultural and awesome and so much better than anywhere else and blah blah blah... Fuck shoulds!
I want to change my mind to do things because I "want" to. I'll still take a shower if I don't feel like it, because I gota keep good hygiene, but everything else better watch it. Because all of these "shoulds" have gotten me nothing but anxiety for no reason. And there's nothing more useless than that!
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