Reality of Moving!

I'm sad to be leaving my coworkers! I've been at this job for slightly over a year and its probably the best hospitality job ever. It's in such a nice quiet neighborhood with minimal people I have to work with...
The kitchen staff are super sweet and well basically they've been a family to me.

Just while we're working though. Nobody has asked me over for dinner or anything. But then again I've not asked them either...

I am definitely looking forward to going back to socal but I'm feeling a little sad to leave the bay. It's these rare moments that get to me...my appreciation of BART making everything so accessible, a day of lovely sunny weather, making mad tips on a good day at work...fancy birthday dinners in the city... These are the moments that almost cause me to forget all the grimy, greedy side of the bay that only a resident knows.

The SF bay area can be a very charming place. It's a place where absolutely no one cares to look twice at you. Everyone is chasing that next dollar and if you want attention you need to reach out and command it. Because of this frame of mind, people tend to do a ton of wild shit!

That attitude is what attracted me in the first place. It seemed nothing like where I grew up.

Missing Thursday Nights Already!

Sure I know I will appreciate the move. I'll be happy to be around family, in a nicer city that I can actually afford to live in...and for all kinds of other reasons.

But I am really going to miss my Thursday night coworker. Hes the older gentleman and I only point that out because it helps me see that yes, my favorite people really are older and wiser/crazier/funnier/ more experienced. He doesnt treat me with kid gloves at all. He's very straightforward and always interested in creating a joke out of a situation and thats why I appreciate him so much!

He's joking around that we need to get a 2bedroom apartment so that he can live with us when we move...Im serious when I tell him hes got to come visit! He has a sister that lives down south too so he would be visiting her as well.

I just really like his attitude. Hes from Philly and hes sooo old school. Straight up hes a really awesome guy and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure we stay in touch. I dont care HOW weird or stalkerish or annoying I have to be -  we are staying clearly in touch!

Time flies

2 more Tuesdays, 3 more Wednesdays, 4 more Thursdays at this restaurant job...

Cannot believe the time is flying by so quickly! I've been in contact with apartment managers, sending out my 30 day notice to my current landlord tomorrow...

I really need to start downsizing on 'things.' The only things that will really take up a lot of space/weight are my books and records. We have a couple pieces of IKEA furniture for our computers and then the bed. That's not too much.

When I look around the apartment there just seems to be so much little stuff everywhere. Random shoes, my computer speakers, my TORTOISE. I am going to take that little guy for sure.

I have a bad headache right now. Work was slowish but I made a fatty tip from a four top so it was a good tip night. Regardless of the slow night, my eyes are radiating pain.

Anyway, tomorrow I am mailing out rent +30 day notice. I'm also hitting the bank before work to make sure the money is there when the checks are cashed...

I was considering paying my old parking tickets before I leave but I may just save as much money as I can for the move.

My female coworker was being extra friendly today, if that's even possible. She's inheriting my best paying night once I leave. I'm glad it's going to her. I'm going to miss this lil bistro but I have to do what's best for me. And like I told my guy, they are nice coworkers but none of them are there when I go home to my lil apartment in the ghetto at the end of the day. Got to do what's best for me!

First Time With Oil...

I painted for the first time with oil paints tonight. It was challenging. I knew it would be, but I had no idea to what extent.
First of all, oil paints are VERY messy!! I've always had fun getting dirty with oil pastels, charcoal, acrylics...but damn oil paint is the grandaddy of messy mediums. Usually I can paint anywhere with acrylics...on my bed, hardwood floors, anywhere...but with oil paints I learned quickly that I need to get an easel asap! I painted on a canvas board propped up against the wall...the carpet got a nice ding when the brush fell out of my mouth while I was trying to get some damn ventilation going but luckily the wall stayed clear.

Also, with oil the painting never seems to be over. The timing is all off because the oil takes forever to dry. So basically my inner timer for knowing when to focus on a certain portion of a painting is off now, because oil does not dry quickly like acrylics.

It blends differently from acrylic. It can just as easily replace a color as blend with it, depending how much I use and how I am applying it.

With oils it doesnt seem to take much effort to make cool lines happen while simultaneously being really difficult to blend effectively. It's definitely a weird double edged sword. BUT I was able to do some pretty cool stuff just letting the brush really move around into the painting. With acrylics I paint controlled strokes that clearly define what I want. With oil I just let my hand go and it would make really cool lines in a really effortless way. Kind of like I was surprised by the lines that came from the brush sometimes.

It was strange, but exciting! Im happy I am finally using a medium I was so intimidated by for so long.

Dreaming

I had a dream about working in SD! It was busy at the bar but not malicious. I worked down the street from my sister. I went to an obstacle course after work with my grandma and grandpa...

The dream was full of family and familiar faces. They lifted me up (mentally) and helped fill my day with lots of activities that didn't make me nervous. It was a wonderful, positively stimulating dream.

I know yesterday and today I missed a lot of quality time with the family. I missed them but remind myself I'll be near them soon. I have been spending my days this past week waking up obscenely late and pretty much just lying around eating, with random trips outside.

The weather has been non-stop rain and gloom. I suppose that adds to my lethargic mood.

But anyway I had a great topic to write about yesterday but I put it off and I forgot it!! I've got to find a way to quickly jot down the ideas so I can flesh them out when I'm finished doing whatever it is I do.

New Job thoughts

I've been working on my typing skills lately. After bartending and making all the money and talking to all the people that come with that territory, I've been fantasizing about a quiet job.

I'm a quiet person. I tend to enjoy keeping to myself and family/few close friends. I only bartended to challenge myself. It's helped me in many ways when it comes to talking to people but its not really guaranteed money and the environment is pretty deluded as a daily workspace.

Several years ago I worked in a library and museum... I remember it was fairly enjoyable. But I don't want to work for minimum wage so I've been trying to research my options.

So I'm working on my typing because it seems like a step in the right direction. I've improved greatly over the past couple days. Practicing everyday is paying off. It's especially enjoyable with good music playing in the background. It's rewarding to do something to better myself.

I may have gone to a 'prestigious' university but really they don't teach you anything you need to know to survive in the real world. Perhaps if I knew how to network I would have gotten more out of it. But I was quite sheltered by my single dad parent and didn't really flex my socializing muscles until I had left for college. Basically I grew up very quickly putting myself through school while most of my peers were doing keg stands with other future CEOs.

I'm not as bitter about it as I used to be. But it was tough being a poor nobody from San Diego surrounded by wealthy/privileged kids at university in the SF bay area.

Oh and yesterday I met a Vietnam veteran that told me to join the air force. Told me I'd start as a lieutenant with my bachelor's degree. I've entertained thoughts about joining the military before. I am good at following instructions and really appreciate structured environments. It may be something I'll look into.

For now I will work on my typing skills and spiff up my resume for the move.

Coming up this January- last hurdle

I know I shouldn't, but I am already dreading the week (more like 2 weeks) my guy will be out of town visiting with his terminally ill father in January. Everything rational in me demands I be supportive and accept and suffer silently! But all I can think about is being alone in this god-forsaken city...

The last time he left for 10 days, I lost about that many pounds in weight. I felt totally isolated! I was left to my own devices and with only my internal monologue to listen to... Endlessly... I tortured myself with a complete lack of interest in everything... Including FOOD, which is a huge thing for me because I love to eat.

Everywhere I went I was afraid. Everything I did I second guessed and was paranoid! I tried to solve the riddle of human existence and only succeeded in weirding myself out. I withdrew from all people, aside from those at work, and began to misinterpret what it was I saw when I looked in the mirror. I went to dark places in my mind and I was afraid.

I am aware my problems are nothing compared to a son on the verge of losing the one parent he's ever known... Or a man about to leave this world and his babies behind... I am aware my own existential crises, hypochondriac nature, fragile and creative mind are complete jokes in comparison to these very real struggles that I know in my heart are more important.

But I hate being left alone. The love of my life joined the Navy when I went away to college, and when we moved in together after I finished school, he would leave so often... For weeks, months at a time. The feeling of waking up and saying goodbye... the 'need' to find something, anything to do to pass the time...That feeling has not lost its bite on my mind, even years later, with a completely different partner in a different setting. Its the worst feeling ever and I hate it so much. Whether it is government or family duty, I hate to be left alone by the one person I try to create a positive and nurturing life with.

All I can think of doing is staying busy when the time comes. I used to throw myself into work and really pack my schedule obsessively but I can't do that anymore because my mind has changed. It does not accept such blatant disregard for its well-being. Work has its place in my life but it is no longer my life.

I will have to find positive and nurturing things to do alone. There is no family here, and very few friends. I will have to reach out to that friend. She won't come to Oakland. I will have to travel the hour by public transportation it takes to visit her. I will do everything I can to keep a positive mind. I will draw, paint, listen to upbeat music and watch comedies on TV/Netflix. I will cook myself healthy meals and enjoy losing myself in daydreams. I might also get a cat or dog, depending how disconnected I start to feel.

I'm not looking forward to this, but it's just going to have to be dealt with in the most positive manner I can find within myself.

Thinking about work

Would like to get out from behind the bar.
Would like to make more more than $20/hour.
Would like paid vacation.
Would like to be able to afford good housing on my own.

Would like to be able to support a family.

Would like to get away from customer service!!!!

Neverending Restlessness

I have always believed that if I want change, its up to me to make it happen. For so long (about 8 months or so) I've been ready for a change to come to my life. I've been ready to leave Oakland, seeing my potential here for being taught new things has been reached.

I've been exploring other job options other than gritting my teeth while interacting with strangers.

I've learned to be more gentle with myself and have stopped allowing people to hurt me. In short I've learned to respect myself enough to know that I deserve to live a nice life.

In the united states, this "nice life" mindset usually comes with demands for expensive handbags and shoes... Lots of shoes.

But I'm not like that. A stable home in a safer city. The ability to make money without having to constantly lie to people. The opportunity to see my nephew grow up and be near my family. These are the things I am striving for.

And today I realized this change is already happening. In less than 2 months I will have moved to a new home, set up my new schedule in an area vaguely familiar, and started the quest to make money to continue supporting myself.

Things are already different. These plans are set in motion. In less than 2 weeks I will leave the state for a week and 2 weeks after that I will be packing up my belongings.

It's relieving, comforting, exciting to know this change is coming.

I've been back to my home town before. But this time will be different because I am different.

Pushing through the anxious moments

So I have been suffering from anxiety lately. It stopped once I finished school a couple years ago but it's reared its head again recently and despite my previous experience with it, it knocks me out completely.

Anyway I'm a fighter, always have been, so I'm not giving in. I've been doing lots of research on the subject and the general consensus is, it's natural and can't hurt me, but the trick to getting through it is conditioning myself to not give it my full attention when its happening.

If you've had it before you know it is very uncomfortable. It brings all kinds of horribly negative thoughts to mind and can stop you right in your tracks. A common sensation I have when its happening is that I can't 'feel myself.' This leads to fidgeting and other mannerisms that 'remind' myself I'm still there.

I've found the faster I get involved in an activity, any activity, the faster I feel myself again. This can be as simple as chewing gum.

Recently I've been able to tolerate it better. I try to stay positive when it starts happening, and think about something else. It's been working. Usually I'm afraid to go to certain places because of the unfamiliar factor - that seems to throw me right into an anxious mindset. But lately I've been almost forcing myself into those situations.

Example: usually I go straight home from work and do not leave the house again unless going out to eat. Last night I pushed myself to do 'something fun' after a particularly shitty day of work. Usually I would be angry and go home angry. This time I was looking forward to going home. Looking forward to seeing my guy and getting a hug.

And I came home and stayed positive. Instead of crawling in bed and being miserable and anti social, I went out to dinner and saw a movie afterwards. I pushed myself and the night turned out so fun! I have been avoiding crowded places like movie theaters, and while last night's theater had some particularly obnoxious people, I wasn't even bothered. I just felt like another person a part of the human race.

I will continue embracing home and free time, instead of embracing the schedule of work as I used to. Work is work. It's ok to be happy at work, or enjoy it, but it's more important to be happy at home.

Normal day

Aside from some random uncomfortable anxious moments, things have been better. Still not where I want to be but am stable.

Job and living situation are stable. I've been actually going out and socializing which is nice and definitely necessary. By that I mean going out for meals, striking up conversation with people and following through with social plans. To be honest it just makes me want to go out more often!

But I've been staying away from alcohol so that changes my game plan a lot. I don't quite know what to do if I'm 'going out' but not drinking. I'm just trying to keep an open mind.

Living in the ghetto is still annoying as ever but after reading about the mass shooting at the elementary school in Connecticut and other places in the US I'm a bit grateful. I may live under constant stress and paranoia but at least nothing happens. Theres no real fear of badly socialized people with mental problems because pretty much everyone that lives in this town can qualify under those terms. People act like animals all the time here. It's nothing new or special.

Hell, anyone can be a mental case. It doesn't matter if they're rich, poor, whatever ethnicity...

I'm still looking forward to moving to a less violent/unloved/uncared for city but it's going to take awhile. I'm going to have to pull a fast one to even get the departure date moved up 2 weeks! It feels so silly but that's how it is for now. All I can do is try to make the best of it and get as much money as possible...

"It's not like you guys are married or anything..."

This post is for girls like me. Girls that treat their boyfriends as if they are husbands...as if they are the first and last and as if their well-being insures the girl's well-being. If you've ever gotten your guy a great job, helped him recover from either a mental or physical dependency, or was the "man" in the relationship in whatever various capacity, this post is for you.

No matter what anyone says, its good to be this way. It's good to love fully and to completely care for another person.

"But what about if/when we break up? Will all my hard work be for nothing?"

No! You learn so much about yourself...you build yourself up so much when you fully love and care for another person.

Do not worry about what ifs...continue to love fully and genuinely. There is no bad on you if things do not work out with this one. Because you have learned how to be even better.

A Good Monday

Woke up early and waited FOREVER for my guy to get his butt up and moving. Did some laundry, made some food, fidgeted nervously, bored!! Finally we left the house.

Went to a nice area of town to get his hair taken care of. Afterwards we walked around a lil bit in that nice area, then decided to check out a restaurant that was too packed when we first checked it out a couple months ago. It was a cool little place, very casual. The food was meh, but I had some French fries so I was happy.

We talked about film speeds, Parisian cemeteries, Christmas plans and the upcoming Texas trip. I'm really excited about visiting my sisters and brother in Texas...

I asked my guy if he was looking forward to it. He said yes. It dawned on me that this will be a trip to visit with MY family. Mostly we're going to visit his family, finally we will spend some time with my family. I wondered if he would be nervous, but really that's not my concern and judging from his words on the subject, he's not any more anxious about the trip than usual.

I'm a little nervous but not really. My family knows how to live, and my sister married a pretty well off guy so no more ghetto abodes for her, ever! I imagine the visit will be very nice and relaxing. Plus my awesome sister from San Diego will be joining us after the first so everything will be awesome.

Work tomorrow, and it'll be fine. Hopefully I'll get to make some money this week... the bank account is a little low after those 2 weeks I spent in New Mexico.

Positive affirmations

Stay in the moment. In the moment I will be positive and stay in the moment. I have been taught all kinds of methods for critical thinking and forethought, but now all I really need to be doing is taking it one second, one minute at a time. All of those skills are useful, but at their time and place.

I used to be consumed by intrigue and gossip. Drama. But no more...now I have to rebuild what I am interested in. I have to coherently CHOOSE more positive things with which to occupy my mind with. Things that keep me in the positive present.

Theres no need to be negative. There will be enough negativity given by the world, I must stay positive. Things that make me smile, make me feel safe. These are the things to think about.

And most importantly, telling myself "I can"...I can because I always have and I always will. No pressure, just facts. I can find my own way, customized by and for myself.

Slowly becoming strong again

Today is a good day. Idk if it's because I slept well, or because yesterday was sub par, today all the good vibes came out... Idk! But its good.

I hope my newfound awareness of myself is finally starting to be normalized... It really was like a bucket of cold water was dumped on me those couple weeks ago...I literally felt like I didn't recognize myself. I hope this means I'm finally fully matured and now my mind will just play catch up for a lil while.

I've always been full of confidence and endless energy. It felt like a cruel joke to me that all of that was swept away several weeks ago. But I am a person that believes in life. Whether it's destiny, or god, or just my own mind coming into its own as a full grown woman, I will continue to trust in myself and life and gently move forward.

Further thoughts on changing work environment

Ok so I've gone through the slogging through internet job postings, I've gone through the frustration at hesitating and trying to consider all options, I've even gone through the "fuck it, let me look for an office job"...

And all I have to say is, I am very glad that I have been volunteering in the ESL classroom for the past 8 months. At least that's SOMETHING towards the eventual goal of getting paid to help people with their english language skills. 

This is the other thing, I can always use tutoring or bartending to supplement an already stable income. What exactly that stable income will be, is yet to be determined. 

Of course I'd love to get paid very well, enough to live on, by helping people. And not helping people eat, because that involves drunk and annoying people that pull my already distracted psyche this way and that. Helping people get through difficult times is a good idea. Not too difficult because I don't want to lie awake at night stressing over rape victims stories or things like that. Also I don't fully agree with psychological theory. Therefore therapist/counselor is out of the question.

Tutoring strikes me as an interesting venture. I'd have to get a car, as most jobs ask for reliable transportation. It makes sense. 

Moving down to southern California will also require a car. It's just how it is. I can probably survive without one if I lived downtown but if I am travelling from student to student I will need one.

I don't believe I'd be very comfortable as a teacher standing in front of a group of students. However that could definitely change. I do enjoy assisting students in ESL classrooms with work already given to them. 

My next step is to get working on my TEFL certification. That can only help me in my goal of tutoring ESL students. 

First work shifts back

Both were slow. Boo slow work = no tips! That's ok because I've been thinking... Thinking about making a job change. Not immediately though. For once I'm not going to move heaven and earth because of an impulse.

But being behind the bar has begun to lose its fun. I'm not really digging being at the whim of finicky customers. People staring at me/expecting me to entertain them as I work is also getting old. I learned how to bullshit the hell out of people through bartending but nowadays I don't want to talk unless it's at least somewhat genuine. I'm bothered when I hear myself mindlessly going along with drunken or otherwise unimaginative and boring rants of customers.

For example, had a lawyer tonight being particularly obnoxious. Different from dive bar obnoxious. In a dive bar I could just tell someone to eff off. In this 'fancy' restaurant, I can't be as plain speaking as I'd like to be. So I got creative with it... He ended up giving me a $20 bill for 'being an asshole.' I said I'd try to be nicer next time and got a laugh out of his friends.

I was so happy when work was over. My existential experience I've been having lately was heightened/triggered by working behind the bar. Once it was over, the anxiety subsided and I felt like normal Sam again.

As I write this now I am relaxing nicely. Feet in front of space heater, Colbert Report on TV, belly full... Another month or two of this job, and then something different perhaps.

Guy's dream

Last night my dude fell asleep on the couch after 20 hours of driving and 10 hours of decompressing. I sat on the floor next to him with my back against the couch, watching movies and gplussing...

At one point he was talking in his sleep, then he started moving his arms and legs around restlessly... I thought 'Awww he's exhausted poor guy he-' and at that point his hands found my head. One hand cupped the side of my cheek and started moving my head around... The other hand kinda snaked around and it felt so weird! Because he wasn't *doing* anything... My head just got involved in his sleep movements.

Whatever he was dreaming about, I'm glad it wasn't very violent! I could tell by the way he handled my head that he was unaware it was me. I couldn't help but think thank goodness he didn't strain my neck or anything.

By the light of the book tree

Sitting here... With my guy snoozing on my lap, classic rock channel on the TV... Well-fed... got the glow of the multi-colored Christmas lights setting a sleepy mood in the apartment...

I feel a happiness I haven't felt as an adult. A relaxation. It feels so great. Thank you. If I can just continue on this peaceful path... It is bringing me things I forgot about, that I forgot I wanted. Or that I knew I wanted, but couldn't seem to get.

I am grateful and appreciative. It appears I can do this. Just have to keep positive thinking happening. It's amazing how things change with just an adjustment of my attitude.

Feelings of guilt or not?

I wonder, is it bad that I don't want to live near his father and help take care of him in his last months? I was able to get through the last 2 weeks fine, but the family are all as slow moving as my guy and even more stubborn and its really maddening.

The lady is very sweet though. I felt a kinship with her. The man and brother are very stubborn and I have no idea what they're trying to do half the time. I get the feeling they don't either.

But do any of us? I blew off this feeling by giving them all the excuse of being depressed by the looming death of the patriarch of their family. That excuse allowed me to assume a responsible stance and attempt to do the right things... Cleaning up the house for the lady, accompanying the man on excursions out of the house...

In a nutshell, I believe my guy should be there for his family but I don't want to be left without him in the bay area. This is why I'm considering going back with my family in socal. That way if he wants to leave, I will be around people I know and trust. People that remind me exactly who I am and have always been.

Because I am going through my own business, albeit internal. And I need to be strong myself before I can think of helping anyone else, let alone an entire family!

I'll treat myself and my guy nicely. Everyone else, I'm sorry to say, will just have to wait.

Road Trip Thoughts

Alright... Where am I right now...?

Almost halfway through Arizona, my restless nature has been appeased these past 2 weeks. But now I must return to reality. Back to work, back to the apartment in Oakland... Back to all of it.

After spending some time in New Mexico I've decided I really don't think I'd like to live there. It's a great place to visit and de-stress... A part of me thinks moving there would be great for my nerves, but another part of me thinks it would possibly slow me down a little more than I'm ready to accept at this point in time. It would be a HUGE lifestyle change.

I've always been very reckless and daring. Adventurous and that. But since I've taken alcohol out of the equation for an extended period of time, all my priorities have changed. My perspective on life has changed dramatically.

I've found new levels of empathy within myself that I didn't know existed... My problem with self esteem and self worth has slapped me right in the face and demanded attention and immediate work be put in. Hopefully as each day passes, my efforts to love myself will add up.

And after everything is said and done... I'm literally taking it one day at a time.

Dream about returning to work

Ok so last night I had a dream about my job. It was my first day back at work and it was a busy shift from the get. My anxiety was happening but the outcome was, I was kinder to customers and when my coworkers congregated behind the bar I set some boundaries and shooed them away. Basically I was able to manage it well.

In reality my coworkers never get behind my bar like that. Everyone there is very respectful and cordial to one another. My boss does, she stands directly in front of the well when I have a million drinks to make, and chats up the customers, but she's awesome so I let it go.

Actually the more I think about it, I look forward to seeing them. Its a different server every shift but they are all cool people in their own way. Hard workers too.

Tuesday its a very calm, sensitive and meditative man. He's always reading a book on empowerment or psychology. We have had pretty intense conversations before about the inner workings of our mind and feelings. He shares personal information with me about his upbringing and family life. And I have as well. He works his booty off and tips me fairly.

Wednesdays are 'girl's night.' Me and the server are both female. She is pretty much the epitome of sweetness. She's a great server and works harder than the boys and tips me out better at the end of the night. We worked together well from the start and the cooks make fun of us when we stand in the kitchen, gossiping about this customer or that customer. It's very fun and nice to work with her.

And Thursdays... Well Thursdays are my favorites. My server is a man in his 60s from Philly. How can I explain in short how our friendship has come to be...

Everyone warned me about him. Coworkers and customers alike! Passed him off as a cranky old man. Said he was old and stuck in his ways and made everyone nervous. My boss advised me to be firm with him and essentially be dismissive with him. So what did I do? Made it my goal to work smoothly with him. And what ended up happening? We get along great now! We joke with each other all night... Give each other shit... Laugh with/at each other... He knows a hell of a lot more than I do, in the restaurant biz and in life, so I try to learn from him. And when my dude shows up at the end of the night, we all sit around and talk a bit, in a great effort to let the stress from the usually insanely crazy shift melt away. He's awesome and I look forward to catching up with him this week.

So I guess I am looking forward to getting behind the bar again. This journal really helps put things in perspective!

Learning to Love Yourself

I believe that humans reach full maturity at different stages in their lives. Everyone is different. Not to say that I've reached mine but ive finally gotten out of the veiled experience of childhood.

Don't take it wrong, I can still enjoy things as a child, in a child-like way. Without a doubt the world is vast and astonishing to me every second of every day.

But I'm getting ahead of myself again. Basically my experience at this point is pointing me in the direction of loving myself. Oh I'm very capable of "doing" all kinds of things. With the help of others I've gone further and have done more things than I can list here in my 27 years of life.

But for the past, let's say 7 years, I've lost track of taking care of myself. Small things like actually enjoying my appearance, my personal exterior that I present to people. I'm great at fronts but when I'm all alone... Well it was a little bit too dark for a long time there.

But now I'm making a conscious effort to take care of myself. To really be able to look myself in the mirror and like what I see as the days pass. That is my goal right now. Its not about weight loss or anything like that. I'm finding out once you stop worrying and obsessing about weight loss, the pounds go away, as the body takes care of itself.

Getting ahead of myself again. My goal is to like my reflection, myself. Starting with small steps like enjoying bathing myself... Taking the time to lotion myself with care, to take precautions for my skin and myself in general.

This may sound so simple! But it's happening and something tells me it will work.