I know I shouldn't, but I am already dreading the week (more like 2 weeks) my guy will be out of town visiting with his terminally ill father in January. Everything rational in me demands I be supportive and accept and suffer silently! But all I can think about is being alone in this god-forsaken city...
The last time he left for 10 days, I lost about that many pounds in weight. I felt totally isolated! I was left to my own devices and with only my internal monologue to listen to... Endlessly... I tortured myself with a complete lack of interest in everything... Including FOOD, which is a huge thing for me because I love to eat.
Everywhere I went I was afraid. Everything I did I second guessed and was paranoid! I tried to solve the riddle of human existence and only succeeded in weirding myself out. I withdrew from all people, aside from those at work, and began to misinterpret what it was I saw when I looked in the mirror. I went to dark places in my mind and I was afraid.
I am aware my problems are nothing compared to a son on the verge of losing the one parent he's ever known... Or a man about to leave this world and his babies behind... I am aware my own existential crises, hypochondriac nature, fragile and creative mind are complete jokes in comparison to these very real struggles that I know in my heart are more important.
But I hate being left alone. The love of my life joined the Navy when I went away to college, and when we moved in together after I finished school, he would leave so often... For weeks, months at a time. The feeling of waking up and saying goodbye... the 'need' to find something, anything to do to pass the time...That feeling has not lost its bite on my mind, even years later, with a completely different partner in a different setting. Its the worst feeling ever and I hate it so much. Whether it is government or family duty, I hate to be left alone by the one person I try to create a positive and nurturing life with.
All I can think of doing is staying busy when the time comes. I used to throw myself into work and really pack my schedule obsessively but I can't do that anymore because my mind has changed. It does not accept such blatant disregard for its well-being. Work has its place in my life but it is no longer my life.
I will have to find positive and nurturing things to do alone. There is no family here, and very few friends. I will have to reach out to that friend. She won't come to Oakland. I will have to travel the hour by public transportation it takes to visit her. I will do everything I can to keep a positive mind. I will draw, paint, listen to upbeat music and watch comedies on TV/Netflix. I will cook myself healthy meals and enjoy losing myself in daydreams. I might also get a cat or dog, depending how disconnected I start to feel.
I'm not looking forward to this, but it's just going to have to be dealt with in the most positive manner I can find within myself.
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