Thankful

Good to hear you breathe... Good to hear you sleep... I thank my lucky stars for the patience I've learned over the years... The ability to stay calm and collected when you are off balance...

I'm alone tonight. I've been alone for many nights now. I close my eyes and dream vividly, lost in complex emotions and irrational fears. I wake up from nightmares... Nightmares that I welcome because they are fake, they end... No matter how gruesome they get, they end, and my waking life seems paradisical in comparison.

I find in my solitude the ability to feel connected to more people. In my stress over money I realize that I am truly grateful for things that exist specifically outside the realm of money... I lose shame and greedy drive... I cut down on the cost of my life and am much happier because of it. I make plans for the future to solidify my newfound definitions of happiness.

And when I listen to you breathe deeply in your sleep, I can only hope you decide to come along for the ride. I know it will be difficult at times, but maybe that will make it all the more worthwhile.

Nothing is Making it Better

I questioned the "love" in my current relationship. I had never felt this way about a person before. It's not the usual obsessive, all-encompassing insane lust/desire/happiness that I have experienced only once before with my "thee ex" as a friend calls it.

That love was young and immediate. Rash and very very possessive. It was more about sexual exploration and feeling at home when near the person. Going anywhere with that person and feeling the same at all times. A neverending passion for a person that was only ended when his appreciation for other females came into play. Started by his physical presence and ended by his physical presence.

He had such a command on my mind and heart. Complete and total ownership if he wanted it. But he was not strong enough. Maybe its just that we were both young. That's what I try to tell myself nowadays.

I thought that was the only type of love there was. I reveled in it and dreamt about it. I painted endless pictures for it and even to this day I remember it with fond longing. I still dream about it and I still put those images on canvas, paper, write down in books and online.

I am now 6 years older and in a relationship with someone that stirs my affections in different ways. At first I thought to myself "this is not love," because it was so far removed from the immediate physical/chemical reaction I had experienced before. It couldn't be love. It didn't make sense. It was far more on the friendship spectrum. It started with hours and hours of talking. Drinking and laughing and travelling all over the place, talking all day and long into the night. It was a best friend I found that I  had not had in a male for years.

But I find myself absolutely dreading the possibility of losing this current love. Even though I still feel like I don't understand it fully. As we speak on the phone I realize I am filled with so many different emotions at the sound of his voice and participating in his conversation. I am annoyed, irritated, jealous, angry, sad, disgusted one minute...then the next I am just so happy to hear his voice I could almost cry laughing.

I still have not wrapped my head around this type of love. Whereas my only other experience with love was with someone who gave himself wholeheartedly to me, this love is different. It is more reserved, calm, more gentle and yes, in charge. I am not in charge here. I was in charge before, and that was all chaos, drama and sex. Here someone else is in charge no matter how I try to reverse that. That's exactly it. That's why I dont feel completely comfortable or fully comprehend it. Fuck.

Wondering About This Week

My guy was supposed to be here on Sunday for my birthday. That didn't happen. I'm hoping he makes it back in time for this Easter Sunday at my sister's house.

I expected him to miss my birthday. Even though he said he planned on being back before it, I just had a feeling he wouldn't. And he didn't.

Now I'm having the same feeling about Easter. I really hope he proves me wrong this time. But a part of me just really is learning not to expect much from him when it comes to our relationship.

His dad is dying. He missed Sunday because his dad got chemotherapy on Wednesday and then came down with a fever on Friday. They took him to the hospital because he has a weakened immune system and can't really afford to deal with even the smallest of infections.

That's why my guy stayed.

I knew I was going to be left alone if I didn't choose to move out there with his family at this point in time. Now more than ever I am glad I chose to come out to San Diego instead of staying in Oakland. At least here I can busy myself with looking for work and visiting with family when time allows.

This whole cancer business is terrible. I hope we can find a way to stay together. He's mentioned thinking of looking for a job out there in the desert. He's told me he'd like for me to go out there. But I don't want to be surrounded by death in the desert... Trying to single-handedly keep his family together. I don't want to do that.

I wonder what changed from when he was in Oakland to now? He was so far removed from his family then. In Oakland he was in a drunken stupor when we met. Then he slowly got better and better at dealing with reality. I do remember encouraging him to return his dad's phone calls, and try to go out there to visit whenever he could.

Maybe the father has just gotten progressively more sick. I've been with my guy for 2 years and the dad seems about the same as when I met him that first year. But he's been sick for going on 5 years now.

I can't imagine how exhausted it's made my guy. How frayed his nerves are. Fuck.

What a shitty way to spend the last few years of your twenties.

First San Diego Catering Event

It was a success! The company is very professional with very knowledgeable, experienced staff. Everyone was a bit reserved, but if there's anything I've learned from my time in catering is: talk to everyone!! Because people that work catering events usually have several different jobs. Who knows what kind of work you can get connected to...

Anyway the people that I did speak to were all nice. Very polite and such. I got a lead on a bartending catering company. Got the number, supervisor's name and a reference ;) and this all from a female!

I have to take a moment here to explain my shock at being helped by a female bartender. I've worked in many bars/restaurants and its a general rule that no bartender wants to get you a job at their establishment. You are competition. If you get hired, that might create competition for those coveted shifts. That's why you ask to speak with a manager instead of the bartender. It is very rare they will help you. And this is all increased considerably if the bartender is a female.

The way people treat each other in San Diego is a very refreshing change. Job hunting still super sucks but at least people are nicer.

Recharging in San Diego

Since I've been back in SD I've been more social, more active... Spent quality time with my sister and her son... Avoided the bullshit unnecessary drama that certain members of my family live for...

I've felt safe and comfortable. Nervous and frustrated over the job search, freaked out over lack of money... But one thing I truly can say is that as long as I have good people to pass the time with, money takes a backseat on my attention list.

I've had meals with my grandparents that I couldn't ask for time better spent. I've missed my guy since he's been gone the last month. I've worried about the status of our relationship but luckily I am ok with not being priority number one when there are more pressing matters at hand.

I've busted my foot and been lent a cane by a good friend. I've felt safe in my own house. I've made contact with an old schoolmate that showed me how to respect myself even though I haven't gone off and made millions of dollars since high school, and that it's important to keep my own interests.

I've had confidence in myself to envision myself doing things I never thought possible before. Certain types of jobs... Lifestyles... All different and positive.

I've been growing here. Growing in very good ways. I am regaining my natural confidence and my spirit has been lifting... It's been a very good experience... And once work solidifies, it will only get better.

Phone Conversation About Death

Every time I get a good guy, they are ripped out of my life by circumstances beyond both of our control. I always find myself alone at the house.

I'm sick of it. It really pisses me off.

I don't want to go to New Mexico and watch a good man slowly die over the next several months... A man that has already been slowly dying for 5 years. Watch his whole family fall apart. I really don't. I don't care about all the networks my guy is promising are already set up. Job opportunities and apartments and "people that actually care about us and want to help us." All of these things are being said to me by a man rendered helpless by death. A man desperate to bridge two realities and two lives.

I don't have the right answers or the best course of action. I do know he's right about my family sucking on the supportive end of things. But then again, I've never accepted help from anyone, or asked for it, so they are kind of used to that. I am barely allowing my grandparents to help me by buying me some new work shoes because mine are starting to fall apart.

I don't accept help well. It's something I need to work on. I much prefer earning my own keep and way. My pride and self reliance can easily be misinterpreted as insubordination. No excuse for my family dropping the ball on the supportive end, they are definitely shitheads. Except for my grandparents who are lovely people.

He wants me to go out to New Mexico for what I know would be an indefinite amount of time. With the dad dying, all the family pets either dying or running away, and the older brother a ton of bricks drunk as a skunk. I don't think that is a good environment for me.

At least here in San Diego the sun shines. If I leave my front door open I get a cool breeze. I can hear the water less than a mile away from my doorstep. Everyday really feels like a gift here. I can be in a super foul mood and just walk outside and almost instantly feel better. The neighborhood is lovely and once work becomes steady, life will truly be beautiful.

I am happy I did not move to New Mexico. I am happy I came to San Diego. I do not want to go to New Mexico and helplessly watch as this family falls apart. I'd much rather hold it down here, so my guy has something positive and uplifting to turn to.

Finally Finished

With a long, tedious, expensive, completely disorganized task. Anyone that knows me knows that if it's long and tedious, I'm ok with it. But once it gets expensive, and then on top of that I'm paying top dollar for completely unprofessional disorganization... Well that just pisses me off!

The only part I will miss are those other fuckups like me. Those beautiful, unknowing, suffering members of a society making money off the misfortunes of its citizens.

One of the guys was pretty cute. Pretty damn cute actually. But definitely not my type. At all. Even though I've recently developed an appreciation for blondes, he was more the douchey type. The let-me-hide-myself-behind-a-front-of-total-calm-and-say-off-kilter-things-to-try-and-make-everyone-uncomfortable type. I'm not with all those shenanigans. Be quiet and brooding, sure ok, but don't be so boringly obvious about it!

The entire organization is just terrible. I don't wish the experience on my worst enemy. My only consolation is that it's finally over. Though it will take some time for my nerves and mind to get over it completely. A long, long time.

Important Lesson About Individualism

Everywhere I go and look and everyone I care to ponder their influence on my life has brought me to one concept: I've got to always remember to put myself and the things that will benefit me, first. This does not mean I should disregard the needs or well-being of others. It actually means that in order for me to give my best to others, I've got to first BE my best. It is not the obnoxious kind of selfishness that I really hate, it is a crucially beautiful selfishness. The kind that leads to a justified good person.

I get so offended when I feel disregarded by others in the slightest. This is not necessary, and in fact is self inflicted harm. Interacting with family, I noticed that jealousy has been surfacing. Jealousy and resentment. Then I start to talk bad to myself and the next thing I know, I'm spiraling down again.

But this is not necessary. Actually this type of thinking is keeping me stagnant and down. I should be happy about people, especially family, doing well for themselves. If I have a problem with myself, I am the only person who can change it.

And this brings me back full circle. Detaching myself from other people. Stopping all care of what others 'may think.' What others think does not matter. Sure, what my boss thinks matters - I'm not suggesting or condoning losing a job from this type of thinking. This is about self identification. This type of thinking is positive and self empowering.

What is important to me? How has that changed over the years? How has that not changed? What has remained steadfast at my side over these tumultuous years? What are goals that I can set with regard to these obviously important things?

More Negative Conversation Topics on the Phone

Just like I said I'm tired of spending time with my guy on the phone talking about family drama, I'm soooo tired of "updating" him on my constant job search. Retelling stories about rejection after rejection does not feel good. Hearing his suggestions on how to improve it, when I've done all of those and he'd know it if he were here instead of in another state for the last month, does not help either.

I do not want to hear about his neverending quest to save his older brother. Trying to socialize and help the relationship of the brother with the father. These quests go well while he's there then fail as soon as he leaves his brother's side. They not only fail, they blow up massively and he has to hear it on the phone the next time his brother is in a drunken rage. Also I do not want to hear the calm tone of his stepmom as she gets on the phone and tells them to come to the house cuz "tacos are ready." Shit everywhere is shitty but "tacos are ready." Your older brother is a piece of shit with no sense of duty but lets just feed and clothe him day in day out and then be confused why he never lifts a finger to help himself or anyone else. Now come get your tacos.

If I didn't have people, I would collapse into my own pit of despair and paranoid delusion. I don't want to spend my time recounting stories of my struggle to stay out of said pit to the one person that can really reach me. I just want to be able to converse and keep it light. Tell me something good. If I had something good to say, I'd love to say it! If I don't...well maybe I shouldn't be talking in the first place.

I told him "I don't want our conversations to center around so much negativity." And he told me "you brought it up." And he's right. I did. But I only did out of a sense of duty, to update him on how shitty the rejection search goes while I'm alone.

He reminds me that things are better now than they were before... and he's right. They are better. But no money=a restraint on my mobility and that really pisses me off. Especially because I actually want to work. I am a worker by habit, trade, culture, shit whatever you want to say. I am a workaholic even. And no work, with rent and bills of all kinds coming up...the shit drives me into a panicked frenzy.

When I'm in a panicked frenzy I am totally reclusive. I don't want to push it on other people. I find myself avoiding talking about myself whenever with others, visiting with family and the like. The only difference with my guy is that he is my guy...he is the one person that is supposed to be the closest to me. And he is. And unfortunately with that comes the shitty side of me that not many people get to see. Because not only is it none of their business, but I don't want to be rude.

Phone Conversation With My Guy

I am really getting tired of talking about my family drama. Spent like an hour on the phone with my guy, 'updating' him. He kept asking me questions... He genuinely cares about my siblings and wants to know what's going on. But it took up so much time! What's the point taking up precious time with that kind of thinking and talking?

I always wanted to be the strong savior in my family. Always wanted to be the badass oldest sister that all the kids could look up to. I've probably inspired my siblings in various ways. But now I feel I've got to switch it up a bit. It can't be about money because I don't have that. It will have to continue being mental and emotional support. Just 'being there.' That's what its going to have to be. Hopefully it's effective and helpful.

There's only so much chaotic drama I can take before I decide to bow out. I can't do that with family so like I said, will have to find a way to switch it up and retain myself at the same time.

Random

My ex would get so angry at the condition of my computer keyboard. I bought the thing for $5 6 years ago from a used computer parts bin. I also bought my current mouse for $2 at the time. It might have even been less money. I bought the keyboard for the sole reason that the keys depress easily. My ex had taught me that the easier the keys depress, the easier it was to play computer games and type. My brain turned that into the most important thing I could get from a keyboard and nothing else matters.

He was the type to have a super messy room, but be annoyed with a dirty computer keyboard. Meanwhile he had thrown his computer monitor out of the window in a rage...to have it get rained on...and to bring it back in the house and keep using it afterwards (it still worked!). Anyway, the way I feel about my keyboard is probably the way most feel about body tattoos...

The marks and stains show history and  yes, character. It's not a complete mess filthy mess-  I've wiped it down. But if there is a random purple stain, that's wine...if there is a key popped out...well you know something must've happened that day...If you look closely at the keys there is a line of color along the edges...no doubt from whatever haphazard experience it's been through on any given day.

But I can't complain. It works and the keys still depress easily. It's been through years of abuse and it's still here. That's all I need to know to keep it around right???

Sister's 6 Day Vacation

The first day we were together. We went to my other sister's house and spent the night. Friday we came back to my house. Saturday I had an interview and she went to my other sister's again. I chose to stay home and spare my foot the trekking around.

Sunday and Monday she spent time with my cousin and slept at my sister's. I had lunch with them on Sunday. Tuesday my sisters spent the day together while I took care of some almost finished business outside of town and Tuesday night my sister came back to my house.

Wednesday she left. We parted with her going to the airport and me going to a job interview.

We only really spent about 2.5 days together. I did my best to give her the space she deserves, to spend time with other family members. Really I tried to take care of my own business as well as spend time with her. It was a different way of approaching it.

Usually I'd be perma-stuck to her side. Or I'd at least go out of my way to make sure I saw her daily on her trip here. But it was different this time. My injured and tender foot made me act differently. How did it make me feel?

It was ok. I am super broke so the job search pretty much took up much of my focus. Like i told her, the next visit will be better, when I'm working and have had time to explore the city more... it was hard seeing my little sister when I was so broke. If I had money I'd have gone shopping with her, bought groceries and made her a feast like that time in Oakland...

Regardless, I had a good time seeing her. I hope she goes home and gets some rest. There was a lot that happened this weekend with the family and in my own unemployed life... moms, grandma... My dad throwing a huge tantrum... she somehow survived it all seemingly unfazed.

My sis said she was going to go home and take a really long shower then sleep in her own bed. She was really looking forward to sleeping in her own bed. She was really looking forward to seeing her puppy... my other brother and sister that live out there too. The ones she grew up with.

I can relate. She's really excited to see her guy this Saturday... I can also relate to that.

She's changed in so many ways... And yet is still the same intelligent, quick-witted lil thing she always was.

And I had a good time. Stressed and annoyed with the job search but the times we did spend together were pleasant. I'm just really going to have to figure out a way to keep the conversation from being derailed by family drama. I'm really getting tired of talking about that kind of stuff.

Sister's Spring Break

Starts tomorrow and goes to next Wednesday! She's coming out from Texas. I'm soooo happy I figured out a way to walk today and get my foot to stop hurting (spent hella money on orthotics). Now I can be somewhat mobile for her visit!

I'll meet her at the airport tomorrow morning early... We will come back to my place and prepare for the journey to my other sister's apartment in el cajon. I'm taking some food to her house so we can eat a lil if we get hungry. Sis just moved in to that apartment about 2 days ago, so we'll really help her break it in and make it feel like a home.

We'll spend the night there tomorrow night and then probably come back to my house Friday and stay here. Then hopefully by then there will be enough conversing between the three of us to figure out the next several days. I'm excited! While we're visiting I'll be waiting to hear back from two different jobs and also setting up my appointments to get my taxes filed and some time scheduled with the dentist.

I hope these jobs hurry up and happen, and that my foot continues to heal quickly from the use of these orthotics... I need money!

My Own Humanity Being Forced Upon Me...

...by my foot!!

This clinic job I'm going for (note to self: listen to Clinic today) is a public outreach position. Meaning I talk to the community about the services offered by the clinic. Talk to people on the street, talk to people in meetings...talking and walking all day. It's a fairly different line of work than I'm used to; it's definitely going to be a different work environment than talking to and regulating drunks all night.

 I told somebody recently that a job like this would have been perfect for the Samantha that I was right after high school, before I moved to the bay area. After my experiences at University and living in Oakland for damn near a decade, I give less of a shit about helping my fellow man than I used to. I pretty much only care about how much money I can make from a job at this point. Also, living in Oakland for all that time has soured my opinion or care for any homeless people I may interact with (they are too damn aggressive there!) Whereas before I left SD as a young and nubile babe (hah!) I was very compassionate to homeless people.

This non-profit job will have me talking to homeless people a lot, because that is the community that makes up a large percentage of downtown San Diego that would utilize the free services of the clinic. But I'm going for this job because A.) I need work and B.) SD's bar scene is more about how fake your breasts are than how well you make a cocktail.

I stop here and wonder to myself: "What the fuck are you doing? You should be making money! Not walking around all damn day 'helping' people! Have you lost your mind? Money!"

This is really how my mind jumps back and forth on itself. Bear with me...

I am going for this job because of the different work environment. I've never done it before, its a challenge, its something different blah blah blah...also it offers benefits which I've never had. Well except that one time I worked as a bartender for Scott's in downtown Oakland but I quit that job due to sexual harassment from managers, shitty pay and well, incompetent managers all over me all the time. The bartenders at Scott's make shit for tips. It's a bad setup. But they steal enough to compensate so its all good. Still, tip James (weekday night bartender) and whatever shmuck they have doing weekend nights heavily...cuz those poor suckers make shit for money and stress like crazy. Well James is a pro at getting his money after 20 years but the weekend bartender is always new and always getting screwed over (that was me!).

BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND. My left foot is fucked up. It's sore and tingly and feels like I'm walking on pins and needles and the skin feels really tight and it's just all bad. Nevermind how this will make working at any job on my feet interesting from now on, my mobility in this very second, is hindered. I am no longer an unstoppable force. I am very much stopped.

And I think, when I get this job (because there's really no reason why I shouldn't) and I'm talking to people...the chance of them being homeless and injured are very high. Perhaps this injury happened to me to smack some sense into me. To stop my stupid arrogant bay area style paper chase and help me see that helping people in need is an awesome thing to do. Because I know how shitty it feels to need help and not have the money to set all services up production-line style. These people will be dirty, and sick, and fucking clueless and it's up to me to at least make their search for water, shelter, or medical services, easier to find.

And really, after I share some info with them, I can walk away, unlike any bar job where I either suffer through idiocy or kick them out. Well hopefully by then my foot is healed properly and I will be able to walk away.

Two Realities

Talking to my guy on the phone I hear how exhausted he is. He tells me he hasn't slept well and has helped with his ill father nonstop since he got there. The older brothers are off doing more important things, like sleeping all day and making money, respectively.

I hate to hear my guy sounding so tired. I know he completely throws himself into whatever must be done to help others. He has done this since day one. He doesn't know how to be moderate in this respect. Some people take advantage of it, some people recognize it and appreciate it but don't overuse his generous nature. But regardless of what others do or do not do, he is always the same. Doing entirely too much for others while ignoring himself.

I'm not angry with any of his family, I'm just hoping he doesn't burn himself out completely. He told me he was sleepy when he called me this evening. Told me all of the things he took care of for his dad today. Said he planned on sleeping for a good 15 hours, he was so tired.

I found myself getting impatient to tell him what I've been up to. Update him on the work situation and my damn silly foot that refuses to work properly. I start to tell him all of these things and I hear a soft breathing... He's fallen asleep! I listen and I hear the breathing go from soft to heavy and deep. I haven't heard him sleep in 10 days.

I think to myself, how comforting, I really miss his presence around me... I put the phone on speaker, lay it on my chest (I'm lying with said damned leg propped up) and continue g+ing and wondering about how I'm going to go about the rest of my week. The deep breathing is comforting to me, knowing he's finally getting rest.

I make myself feel better by telling myself it must have been the soothing sound of my voice that lulled him to sleep. It's a nice thought. Then his deep breathing turns to spurts of breath and here come the snores. I shake my head and remember why it is I wear earplugs to bed. The phone cuts off into static and I hang up.

Considering when it is Important to Shut the Hell Up

As an adult, when is it time to stop being completely honest with family members?

I'd like to be honest and frank with my feelings to my grandmother, in regards to her daughter, my aunt. I will be spending time with grandma this weekend and I know she's going to ask me, and I know what I'd like to say. I'd like to say what I really feel, which is all kinds of negativity.

But what purpose does that serve? Is it better just to swallow these feelings, or tell them to someone else like a boyfriend or sister? My grandmother probably already suspects all of this. She seems sad, defeated, when talking to me about her own child. I've just never seen the lovely daughter up close and personal for quite some time.

Anyway when she asked me over the phone a couple days ago, I just kept it light and casual. I did not go overboard and say it was so great, just said it was fine, and I changed the subject as quickly as I could.

But in person...I really feel inclined to mull over this. I can learn a lot about how not to be. And I am a talker when around people I know I can speak openly with. So should I converse on this topic with my grandmother or not!? My head says don't do it. It's not worth it. She knows her daughter is a piece of shit and more than that, why would I want to spend my time with my grandmother talking about a complete asshole?

I don't want to do that. I'd rather soothe my grandma's questions about my life with calming answers. When she asks me about work I'd rather tell her how I have so many opportunities lined up.

It's just not worth spending our time together talking about another person, whether I'm learning life lessons from them or not.