Phone Conversation About Death

Every time I get a good guy, they are ripped out of my life by circumstances beyond both of our control. I always find myself alone at the house.

I'm sick of it. It really pisses me off.

I don't want to go to New Mexico and watch a good man slowly die over the next several months... A man that has already been slowly dying for 5 years. Watch his whole family fall apart. I really don't. I don't care about all the networks my guy is promising are already set up. Job opportunities and apartments and "people that actually care about us and want to help us." All of these things are being said to me by a man rendered helpless by death. A man desperate to bridge two realities and two lives.

I don't have the right answers or the best course of action. I do know he's right about my family sucking on the supportive end of things. But then again, I've never accepted help from anyone, or asked for it, so they are kind of used to that. I am barely allowing my grandparents to help me by buying me some new work shoes because mine are starting to fall apart.

I don't accept help well. It's something I need to work on. I much prefer earning my own keep and way. My pride and self reliance can easily be misinterpreted as insubordination. No excuse for my family dropping the ball on the supportive end, they are definitely shitheads. Except for my grandparents who are lovely people.

He wants me to go out to New Mexico for what I know would be an indefinite amount of time. With the dad dying, all the family pets either dying or running away, and the older brother a ton of bricks drunk as a skunk. I don't think that is a good environment for me.

At least here in San Diego the sun shines. If I leave my front door open I get a cool breeze. I can hear the water less than a mile away from my doorstep. Everyday really feels like a gift here. I can be in a super foul mood and just walk outside and almost instantly feel better. The neighborhood is lovely and once work becomes steady, life will truly be beautiful.

I am happy I did not move to New Mexico. I am happy I came to San Diego. I do not want to go to New Mexico and helplessly watch as this family falls apart. I'd much rather hold it down here, so my guy has something positive and uplifting to turn to.