More Negative Conversation Topics on the Phone

Just like I said I'm tired of spending time with my guy on the phone talking about family drama, I'm soooo tired of "updating" him on my constant job search. Retelling stories about rejection after rejection does not feel good. Hearing his suggestions on how to improve it, when I've done all of those and he'd know it if he were here instead of in another state for the last month, does not help either.

I do not want to hear about his neverending quest to save his older brother. Trying to socialize and help the relationship of the brother with the father. These quests go well while he's there then fail as soon as he leaves his brother's side. They not only fail, they blow up massively and he has to hear it on the phone the next time his brother is in a drunken rage. Also I do not want to hear the calm tone of his stepmom as she gets on the phone and tells them to come to the house cuz "tacos are ready." Shit everywhere is shitty but "tacos are ready." Your older brother is a piece of shit with no sense of duty but lets just feed and clothe him day in day out and then be confused why he never lifts a finger to help himself or anyone else. Now come get your tacos.

If I didn't have people, I would collapse into my own pit of despair and paranoid delusion. I don't want to spend my time recounting stories of my struggle to stay out of said pit to the one person that can really reach me. I just want to be able to converse and keep it light. Tell me something good. If I had something good to say, I'd love to say it! If I don't...well maybe I shouldn't be talking in the first place.

I told him "I don't want our conversations to center around so much negativity." And he told me "you brought it up." And he's right. I did. But I only did out of a sense of duty, to update him on how shitty the rejection search goes while I'm alone.

He reminds me that things are better now than they were before... and he's right. They are better. But no money=a restraint on my mobility and that really pisses me off. Especially because I actually want to work. I am a worker by habit, trade, culture, shit whatever you want to say. I am a workaholic even. And no work, with rent and bills of all kinds coming up...the shit drives me into a panicked frenzy.

When I'm in a panicked frenzy I am totally reclusive. I don't want to push it on other people. I find myself avoiding talking about myself whenever with others, visiting with family and the like. The only difference with my guy is that he is my guy...he is the one person that is supposed to be the closest to me. And he is. And unfortunately with that comes the shitty side of me that not many people get to see. Because not only is it none of their business, but I don't want to be rude.