Nothing is Making it Better

I questioned the "love" in my current relationship. I had never felt this way about a person before. It's not the usual obsessive, all-encompassing insane lust/desire/happiness that I have experienced only once before with my "thee ex" as a friend calls it.

That love was young and immediate. Rash and very very possessive. It was more about sexual exploration and feeling at home when near the person. Going anywhere with that person and feeling the same at all times. A neverending passion for a person that was only ended when his appreciation for other females came into play. Started by his physical presence and ended by his physical presence.

He had such a command on my mind and heart. Complete and total ownership if he wanted it. But he was not strong enough. Maybe its just that we were both young. That's what I try to tell myself nowadays.

I thought that was the only type of love there was. I reveled in it and dreamt about it. I painted endless pictures for it and even to this day I remember it with fond longing. I still dream about it and I still put those images on canvas, paper, write down in books and online.

I am now 6 years older and in a relationship with someone that stirs my affections in different ways. At first I thought to myself "this is not love," because it was so far removed from the immediate physical/chemical reaction I had experienced before. It couldn't be love. It didn't make sense. It was far more on the friendship spectrum. It started with hours and hours of talking. Drinking and laughing and travelling all over the place, talking all day and long into the night. It was a best friend I found that I  had not had in a male for years.

But I find myself absolutely dreading the possibility of losing this current love. Even though I still feel like I don't understand it fully. As we speak on the phone I realize I am filled with so many different emotions at the sound of his voice and participating in his conversation. I am annoyed, irritated, jealous, angry, sad, disgusted one minute...then the next I am just so happy to hear his voice I could almost cry laughing.

I still have not wrapped my head around this type of love. Whereas my only other experience with love was with someone who gave himself wholeheartedly to me, this love is different. It is more reserved, calm, more gentle and yes, in charge. I am not in charge here. I was in charge before, and that was all chaos, drama and sex. Here someone else is in charge no matter how I try to reverse that. That's exactly it. That's why I dont feel completely comfortable or fully comprehend it. Fuck.