Awkward Chef

We got a new chef at work this month. He is incredibly talented and all of his food dishes are amazing. The only thing is, he's incredibly socially inept, especially when it comes to talking with me.

Today work was particularly busy. At one point I went to the kitchen to ask where the edible flowers are. Cooks were running everywhere, servers were standing around being useless and I went up to chef saying "hey Chef"- to which he replied "WHAT!!!" with a huge bellow to match his huge face and body...

His bloated face was red, there was sweat on his brow and he trembled, though he had a slight smirk on his face.

I didn't even blink, just stayed calm and asked where the edible flowers were, to which he dismissively replied something about "over there" and with a vague wave of his hand lost all respect from me.

The sous chef gave me actual directions and I found the flowers after a few minutes in the walk-in. At least I was able to cool off a bit while I searched.

The strange part is, this chef is totally mild mannered. But every time he interacts with me he is so awkward. When he was introduced to the restaurant staff, I was quick to formally introduce myself and warmly welcome him. Since then he always says fail jokes ... attempting to be cute? Friendly in a very unprofessional way?

Usually men act like idiots around me for one of two reasons... One: they're attracted to me or two: they're intimidated by me. I have a feeling this chef may fit right into this same category. In the words of Mr. Pink: "am I the only professional here?!"

No Trying...Only Doing

Had a 7 hour lunch today with a friend. I hesitate between "coworker" and "friend." I met him through catering several events together. After today I'm sure it's clear we are now friends.

We spoke about so many things. Really I was exhausted by the 2.5 hour mark but I hung in there because the conversation went from self realization to the current state of society... If he was into booze I'd have been in heaven to have these conversations over several drinks.

But he does not booze up so we talked outside in the sun. We walked a ton and talked even more. We tried to help each other with life problems and the time finally came when it was time to eat again. We ate some cheap Mexican food and I was finally able to come home.

When I walked in the door, Lucky mewed my ear off. He was so mad! I gave him some pets and settled down on the couch with a nice cold glass of Nobilo. This was what I wanted to do since 4pm.

Now I sit and think about letting go of the past... About holding on with my current relationship and getting on with myself. I feel like I've been doing a pretty good job with the last one. I can always do better but baby steps... Baby steps!

Grateful

Every now and then I stop worrying, st-

-Oh sweet JEEzus the pain when Lucky claws right into my thighs trying to get up on my lap. I seriously cannot wait until he learns how to get a hold of his claws AND gets big enough so that he doesn't have to jump so hard to get on me. The pain is so shocking and annoying I just want to throw his little ass against the wall and yell but I don't. I move extra slowly and calmly pick up his little body, take his claws OUT of my thigh and gently hold him to my chest. Sometimes he's calm while I do this, sometimes he is super violent and thrashing about, clawing the fuck out of my arm. But I stay calm and don't hurt him or scare him, even though my leg hurts like a mother. After a while he chills out. But my leg, ohhh my poor right leg!

I feel like this is a good example of how I should approach my life more often. I am usually calm with others, but never usually gentle or calm with myself.

And back to the topic at hand. Sometimes I really feel very grateful for my life. I stop thinking of how to be everything for everyone else, and I stop comparing myself to everyone I've ever known and I just look around at the life I've got. Despite various pulled muscles, I have good health.

I've lived in the cities I've wanted to live in, and done the things I've wanted to do. I keep my eyes and ears open and jump on the best opportunities I understand and I feel these things have made me a better person.

I still have my inner demons and problems but at least I am not an asshole.

Right now all I can think of is that I need to learn how to co-exist with my guy in the house. Everytime he leaves I get so comfortable being alone. I miss him and I always look forward to him coming home but once he does, the happiness lasts for only a short while and soon I am pissed off and annoyed at having to clean up after him, etcetcetc.

I've got to find a way to co-exist in a way that doesn't piss me the fuck off. All signs keep pointing to just staying involved in my own life and happenings...find more things important to just me and focus on them. But then I feel disconnected from...what?

I still haven't figured any of this living with another person stuff out. Which is funny because I've been living with other people my whole life. Even when I rented a room by myself, I still shared kitchen and bathroom with other people.

See how I jump from feeling calm and good to finding something that immediately stresses me out? Why am I stressing about living with my guy when I have no idea when he will be back? See how I jumped to another topic that immediately stresses me out?

Sigh. I just wanted to write an entry about being optimistic and positive. I wanted to sit and enjoy the feeling of not feeling like a fail ass. Fuck!

Skype Sesh

Yesterday I was napping with Lucky for about 2 hours when I was awoken from one of my usual motley dreams by the skype ringtone coming from my computer speakers. I figured it was a certain friend and I turned the volume down without bothering to check who was calling and went back to lie down. Grabbed my n7 and it told me I had missed a skype call from my guy. Fuck! He's good about calling me back a couple times because I usually never pick up my phone the first time. My volume is always usually on silent. This is not usually a huge problem because I check my phone like every couple minutes.

I call him and he picks up. We talk for about an hour and a half. I am skyping on my n7 for the first time with him so I enable the video feed and he can see me! I show him the changes around the house, Lucky gets plenty of air time and the conversation takes a pleasant tone. Usually talking to him on the phone is extremely frustrating, because his service sucks out there in the desert and my service sucks out here in the city. The call drops 4 or 5 times during one of our long conversations, I get sad and impatient, cranky and usually don't want to continue talking because he cant hear me or whatever. I'm getting annoyed just by typing it out.

But Skype was a lifesaver! Was pretty pleasant, no bullshit dropped calls, he could hear me perfectly and I wasnt even on a headset, just talking towards my n7. The only drawback was seeing myself on video chat the whole time eventually made me a little dizzy. But the conversation was productive, positive and uplifting. I felt happy to be talking to him.

He knows about my drunken fuckups these past couple weeks. I told him about the first one and he was upset so I didnt bother telling him about my most recent losing my bag. I still think he knew though...I think he may have checked up on me via g+, which actually makes me feel good. He doesnt do g+. I'm hoping he eventually finds the need to check up on this blog; he knows it exists he just hasn't read it. Or maybe he has. Who knows.

Though I know certain people read this blog, I really feel comfortable being totally candid on it. There are a handful of people that I would hope wouldn't see it just because they are on my shit list (talking about ex-bfs and ex-lovers here) but I dont really care if they do. I just never expected my guy to do  his research on me. I hope he does.

Once Every Few Months

I do something to really set myself back. In this case I am talking about getting so drunk that I lost my work bag, with all of my plastic cards and work tools inside.

How the hell could I be so careless? Five drinks on an empty stomach would be a good place to start the answer to that question.

I am definitely bothered by this. My day off will now be spent running around town getting new plastic cards. At least I have a paycheck to deposit today as well. And I'm getting another check on Thursday. At least there's money.

This drunken form of carelessness has brought me much stress and frustration since before I was even of legal age to drink. I wish it was as easy as saying hey alcohol isn't for me. But it isn't. Or maybe it could be, but I haven't come to that place yet.

Though I am annoyed with the consequences of my recent actions I have to stop and also recognize the fact that it could have been worse. I live right by a major freeway onramp and I don't remember getting home. I could have been hit by a car. I could have died.

This reminds me of that time in Oakland where my guy and I got in a fight after many drinks at Merchants and then Indian food after. After fighting in the restaurant he left me and headed back home. I, in a drunken stupor, managed to navigate BART and then bike through east Oakland streets. I remember passing by all the drunk people at the taco trucks and seeing a man on the floor who looked dead. I took a picture of him and then stumbled home. I may have fallen. I've fallen before.

It really is a waste of my time and energy. And now money, since I have to replace my phone.

Trying to look on the bright side, I've had to do an early morning bike ride to the DMV that was really lovely. Only slightly unnerving thanks to cars. I'm also re-examining my relationship with alcohol and more importantly my relationship with myself. Man I really need to start giving a damn about myself.

This is the kind of self destructive behavior that my mother has always exhibited. This is how she is homeless right now and I know in my heart that it's because she is too selfish to pull her head out of her ass and the bottle out of her mouth. I don't want to be like her. I'm trying really hard to let my light shine through, and it's Ok if it's troubled at times, or a lil shaky or dim. I just have to care about myself a tiny bit more, in ways that matter, in fundamental ways.

I have to start caring less about others and more about myself. It feels selfish to say this but I really believe that is the only way I can get control over myself.

Life Without Guy

Life with the kitty and without the guy has been going on. Guy has been gone for 3 weeks now. Money has been rolling in as a direct result of working like a fiend. Seeing myself getting back into the mode where I identify with my job more than my free time. As I see it happen I also see myself pull back from it.. I make plans to do different things and though I don't always follow through with those plans, I can envision them. I try to keep it balanced, if that is even possible with money sucking me into its dirty, grimy world.

A confrontation with one of my managers pretty much led to him telling me he respects and likes me and when he moves on, he hinted at me taking his place as bar manager. I did not expect that. I just wanted him to do a little more prepwork haha. I like the idea. I already do a fuck of a lot more prep and maintenance than the other bartenders and would be happy to continue to do so, but get paid extra for it. Also I get along well with the general manager so I'm thinking this is something I need to carefully foot towards.

I am paying fully for the apartment and bills now. And I am getting money left over after everything is paid for. I am getting money left over after everything is paid for AND I splurge on food or a shopping excursion. I can support my little pet friends and myself just fine by myself. I can take my little cousin out to a couple nice meals where we can bond a bit through pleasant conversation before she leaves for the army. This is a really good feeling. It does come at a price but what is the lesser of the two evils? Either unable to support myself and left in dire straits when my partner decides he cant pay his half or able to support myself and lonely because constant work.

There's a cook at my job that is interested in me. At first I thought it was just superficial sex interest, and I stayed away from all that. But he's not from around here so I think maybe he just wants to make friends. Either way I am super cautious. Basically I am the type of person that if someone expresses interest in me, I hit the brakes and create distance. I can't take the time to deal with all that, usually. Unless I am also interested in the person, then I have no problem doing my part to weave the romance into reality.

But in this case, I am keeping my distance. There's no way I want to be that woman that gets involved with another man while her guy is off taking care of his dying father. No thanks. Although I did have a dream last night about a very handsome stranger that piqued my interest. I was relieved to see that he wasn't an exact replica of my ex, as most of my romantic interests in my dreams have been up to this point. He was dark featured though. He also had a great sense of humor that was pushy in the right ways. Challenging. I'm always a fan of that!

So for now I continue along in my waking life of working constantly and dreaming my nights away about love and intrigue that I hope will come into my life again one day.

Call at Work

Today I got a phone call from my guy at work. He is in New Mexico at his ill father's side.

He called me to tell me that his dad went into the emergency room with an infection this morning. The doctors don't know what it is exactly. All they know is that the chemo he did this past Wednesday really weakens the immune system, and makes him susceptible to infection. Well something got through and the man is in the hospital with a fever.

My guy says the dad hasn't passed any urine since being in hospital. The stepmom, a nurse, is worried his internal organs may have stopped functioning.

My guy called me to tell me all of this. I told him dont scare himself further thinking the organs have stopped working...just try and stay calm and wait to hear what the doctor says. The dad has been in the emergency room before, and came out okay...that may be the case this time as well.

He told me the man is totally out of it, and can't communicate with them at the moment.

It sounds like it may really be the end. I advised my guy to try and stay calm until the dad comes out of it, and the next time he is coherent, to tell him things that he would feel ok with knowing those are the last things he said to his dad. Just to be prepared. Right now, if the dad passed, my dude would not have said anything eternal to him. Probably the last thing he said to him was goodnight.

So I told him to tell him the things he wants to say. The things that he can live the rest of his life knowing he said to his father before he passed.

It was fuckin intense to suggest this to my guy, but I know that is something that would eat me up, so I had to suggest it.

He had a super small voice when he said "ok." He is so scared and sad. I am scared and sad for him. But I know as long as he clears his chest with his father, he will be able to move on to the next day.

Luckily I am making enough money so that if the dad passes, I can fly myself out there for the aftermath. I don't want my guy to feel alone, because he is not.

First Full Night Alone Again

My guy is taking his dad to chemotherapy in the morning...he will probably be getting up in 2 hours, or 3am his time...the drive to Albuquerque takes about 2 hours so they need a real headstart.

His dada's hair has finally fallen out, after years of chemo...

He called me today, having driven straight from here to there. He sounded a bit delirious but definitely ready to sleep, which I hope he did, immediately and hopefully non-stop until he needs to get up in the morning.

Today I ate better than usual. Lots of greens for breakfast, ravioli and greens for lunch and just ate some greens and a piece of pork for late dinner. Usually I don't do anything heavier than veggies after the night shift, but something told me to get some protein in me and let it sit there overnight.

I've also been drinking more milk lately. The back pull I experienced last Wednesday really freaked me out. I thought I was scared pulling my foot muscles, the back strain was 100 times worse. Since then I've been making the effort to eat better. The internet told me a bunch of things but one thing that never occurred to me was how the food I eat directly affects my actual physical health. I've always thought in terms of food and weight. But in reality, the food I eat directly affects my muscles and their ability to function, as well as all the other parts of my body. It might sound like a "no shit" kind of thing, but realizing it is pretty intense.

So I'm sufficiently freaked out and am trying to eat well to repair my body asap.

My kitty is sitting in my lap as I type this. He's being a lot better now than he was this morning. He was attacking the hell out of me in my sleep. Since my guy is gone I dont think the kitty is used to the lack of cuddles. I cuddle him but I also am constantly doing something in the house like cleaning. My guy would just sit and play with the kitty for hours.

I'm glad the kitty is here.

Tomorrow I have my first professional hair appointment in probably a year, maybe longer. I am going to wake up, wash the hell out of my hair and prepare to experiment. This stylist better know how to handle super crazy hair or else I'm just gna get a trim and gtfo. I also want to get stuff for James tomorrow. I might have to call my dad. Also have to call the chiropractic office and see if they can fit me in on Thursday.

I'm really all over the place. I'm happy I can take care of myself.

Drunk at Work

Saturday night I expected him to be gone. He needs to go visit his father, maybe for the last time. It's been "maybe for the last time" for the past 2 years...

Anywho I went to work and told him I'm fine with him staying til I'm back home, or leaving while I was at work. Either way I absolutely HATE saying goodbye for an indefinite/or prolonged period of time. So either way it would suck for me. Nothing can make that feeling better for me. It sucks. I hate it. I despise it. If it was alive, I might consider murdering it.

So I go to work. Work is a blessing. It takes my attention, it focuses my energy, it pays me...I don't have to think about anything else. If I think about something that bums me out, well guess what I have a brand new customer at the bar and I need to smile and engage verbally. No time for being moody or sad. I seriously fucking love working.

The night shift starts off slow. One of the owners comes in with her bartender boyfriend and they take up space at my bar with their friends but I have to be on my A-game because she is the owner for heaven's sake. My attention is diverted. I'm not thinking about a month ahead of me of coming home to an empty house. I'm not dreading anything. I'm totally energetic and my back pain has ceased, my worries are all work-related and therefore completely fixable.

The end of the night comes closer, cooks come out to get some beers...the bar then fills up with Russian professional dancers that are looking to get wasted and I'm making cocktails like mad. My manager decides he wants us all to try new wines on the wine list and I start drinking. No need to think about going home or missing my guy or showing up to family functions alone or figuring out what to do with myself, we all get plowed.

10 minutes before I am set to go home I look out the window and see my guy! I go outside to the dining patio and talk to him through the gate. He tells me about the return of James and how it has postponed his departure because he wants to make sure we can get James all settled in before he leaves. We go home together. I tell him I didn't plan on seeing him. I thought he would have been gone so I went ahead and got myself nice and drunk so I could go home and just immediately go to sleep, no energy or time to sit up thinking.

He doesn't like that. Tells me it's self-destructive. I realize he's right. It's always worked for me in the past though. I am a mix of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and "out of sight, out of mind." Maybe 50/50, its hard to say. My point is...got to try to stop heavy boozing when it comes to dealing with really saddening situations. I can deal with anger, annoyance, stress...well I can't really but I can do it without drinking. But when it comes to sadness... I just don't have the stomach for it.

Dying Man and Those Left Behind

He's dying. He is literally almost gone. What does almost gone mean? I don't even know.

All I know is he is causing much stress to everyone that loves and cares about him. They are freaked the fuck out about him "leaving."

Death is so inconvenient. Everyone is freaking out but there is nothing anyone can do. The man has done everything he can think of, and has prolonged everyone's agonizing experience by five years. He has prolonged his own pain by five years.

One of my grandfathers died from lung cancer. When they found out, it was too late. He could have tried to stay alive but he didn't. He didn't do anything but die for three months and then he was gone. He left an immeasurably large hole in the heart of my father's side of the family. My grandma moved on and remarried a positive, upbeat and healthy man but her kids were scarred by losing their dad. But still, he was gone in a couple months. It was not drawn out.


This man has lived for six years with this diagnosis/reality/horrible destiny.


It's the dissolution of a family core that is scaring everyone. I'm trying to say this is why it's important to make your own family. Not that I want to be birthing tons of kids or anything, but it's very important to keep people around you. This is why people have families. So they are not alone. This includes when former cores of the family start to die off.

I am feeling very insensitive about this whole situation. I look at it realistically and it is fucking annoying and exhausting. My dude is going nuts with fear, his older brother is drinking himself to death, the step-mom is planning her exit from the scene once the dad dies...it's a really horrible situation. I am not happy to be a part of it. I try to be active and normal so my guy doesn't completely lose it, but it's getting really old for me.

I don't want to spend energy trying to give my guy energy because he's so fucked up over the 6 years of impending death. I want the man to go already. I want his suffering to end and everyone else's as well. I want my dude to be able to move the fuck on with his life! I am excited at the prospects of us doing fun things together because we simply just want to!

I will not break up with my guy over this. I refuse to be that girl that totally walks out on a man when he is in his darkest hour. His ex did all of that to him already and I am not trying to be the same way. I'm not even planning on breaking up with him once his dad is gone. I am just trying to wrap my head around the situation. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and just hang on, no matter how depressing or annoying or sad the situation gets.

We don't hurt each other. We are different tempo type people, but his laid back helps my high strung to chill out sometimes. I still think our relationship is valuable and our friendship is unmistakable.

I just wish his mind would be here, with me. Instead of constantly in agony, two states away at all times.

Positive Ex Dream

I've been trying to figure out how to let go of my ex for a long time. I was trying before he found his new girl, trying while they courted and trying now that they are married. Finally I had a dream last night that helped put me in a real good mental place.

First my brain established my current guy as my guy (sex). Then my ex popped into the storyline, his mom was babysitting the neighbor's baby girl. So my ex was right there, watching TV in the living room in that calm way I've seen him do a million times, legs all folded up in front of him. I saw him but didn't say anything. In my dream I was a bit more on the grimy side, which was pretty much the role I played in the relationship since he is a Leo/Virgo and always looks impeccable even when he doesn't.


He faced me and asked me what I thought about his marriage. I told him I'm happy if he's happy. I asked him if he was happy. He said yes but was getting teary-eyed. I said "just a bit emotional though?" and he nodded. In the dream it was pretty unspoken that we both have a bit of a bleeding heart for the past. Being able to talk to him felt really nice, and I kinda wish things had ended on a bit more of a positive note so that it could be done in real life too.

But I am happy I got to have the dream. At that point the dream veered off into some crime scene investigation situation and I went to go get my guy so my ex could meet him. Not sure why that was my goal, but my ex was into it. But the dream took weird plot twists and I had to get up n go to the bathroom so it ended. But I just felt so damn nice having talked to my ex. Calm and resolute. I was really happy!

At that point Lucky started mewing for attention so I got back into bed and let him snuggle on my chest. Finally my brain did something to calm me down instead of stress me. Very nice dream.

Day Off

I had a really good day today. Got up early, bathed, fed myself and headed out to get Lucky his collar and I.D. tag made...

I took my bicycle on the trolley for the first time since moving to San Diego. It was very easy and low maintenance. Convenient and enjoyable. After a nice trolley ride my bike cut my remaining travel time in half. It was sunny and beautiful outside. I really felt happy to have chosen to relocate myself to socal.

I got Lucky's ID tag made then headed back home. The lady at the store was super nice. Pet people are so chill, they really are. Since getting Lucky I've seen a whole other side of humanity. Pet owners are cool people! After my store experience I was going to deposit my tip check into a new credit union account but I got hungry. I went home to munch on some veggies and get ready to take kitty to his first vet visit.

He was deemed healthy and then the vet tried to make me spend super amounts of money. I got the bare minimum (vaccinations, de- worming and one other thing that escapes me now) and it was still a little pricey. My guy reminded me that the kitty is still really young and if I take care of him now, it will cut down on healthcare costs for him later.

I'm glad he's being taken care of. It's worth the money. I felt a little too responsible afterwards because I chose to come home n eat instead of go out for sushi like I was craving. I actually stopped spending money.

My mind is starting to wander. I'm getting sleepy. It's amazing how much a person's life can easily change when they adopt a pet. I'm not quite crazy cat lady but our little home has definitely gotten a lot nicer since the kitty arrived. More present-minded and focused. Also less stressful and to be honest, having Lucky around has completely diverted my attention from worrying about my guy.

Its all snuggles n naptime in our house right now, even with my guy. So far so good.

Wine Nerds

I luuurve my wine nerd of a manager! This guy really knows his wine, and doesn't act pompous about it. He makes wine super approachable and throws a lot of extra info into it, which appeals to the OCD in me...

He's cool. I like him and he's given me a chance at super sweet/busy shifts for the next 2 weeks... In bartender universe, "prime time."

I'm studying up on the wine/cocktail lists... If I can figure out a way to pace myself and stay interested/energized for this job, I could secure some damn good money for a while. Could be a good long while. We shall have to wait and see.

Update on Sammy's Universe

Since I've been at this job the past 2 weeks, my days off are mostly devoted to getting ready for work or spending time with family. I think I'm doing a good job. My life has gotten exponentially better since moving to southern California. The weather has made me feel healthier and happier (all that sunshine, man!) and work is starting to come along nicely.

I am the type that wants to get along with my co-workers. The people that work at the restaurant are a bit on the greedy/crabby side but I am doing my damn best to make sure working relations are civil. They are all just very comfortable pulling in lots of money every shift and have to find things to bitch about. I stick to my bar and have a smile for everyone, and leave it at that.

The way money is coming in, I should be able to pay all of my stuff off in the next 2 months for sure. I am so excited about this! It means a lot to me that I can do this on my own. Not like I have much of a choice but still, it feels very nice to be able to take care of myself. In addition to paying off all my business, I am also starting to plan a trip to Mexico in the upcoming months...I haven't decided where or when but I am definitely going this year. If things go perfectly, I will be able to travel to Mexico AND Europe this year. I have no other expenses so why not.

Our little house is coming along nicely. It is nice and cozy and furnishings make it even more so. Tomorrow we will look for a little coffee table and more shelves for the living room and bedroom. I am a huge fan of shelves so I hope we can find both tomorrow, but one nice big shelving unit will do for now.

Since James has run off, I am seriously considering getting a cat. Possibly tomorrow. I'll have to find a place to leave it when we travel, but that won't happen for a couple months so I'm thinking of just getting it. I love animals but it won't stress me out to leave a pet with a pet-sitting service. Especially since my entire family seems to hate cats with a passion.

I used to joke about being the black sheep of my family, but it's actually really seeming to be the reality these days. It's fine with me, I stay friendly with everyone and converse with them as social occasions call for. I am starting to tell them all where I work and invite them over when I'm on a shift, so hopefully that will help us re-connect further. This is mostly me re-connecting with cousins and such. I need to get my siblings on the ball too though. I have only been spending time with one of my sisters, and find it damn near impossible to catch a break in my brother's busy schedule so that we can visit.

I haven't seen him since long before I moved back in February. I'm ashamed to say I think it's been over a year. Maybe he will come with us this Saturday if he's not working a side job. He's starting to mature even more when it comes to money and work so all he does is work these days. It would be so nice if I could get him to come with us to my sister's house for an afternoon. I will contact him about it tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

Thomas Harris Kick

I've been reading the Hannibal Lecter novels. I read through Red Dragon and the Silence of the Lambs no problem. All of the graphic scenes didn't really bother me.

But at the end of chapter 9 in Hannibal, the rich survivor of a Hannibal Lecter attack torments a young foster child. He has these unfortunate children bussed in from Baltimore for his own amusement. He watches them play on camera and then calls them one by one into his room.

At this point I expected some pedophilia and was bracing myself for the words. But instead, the mutilated freak completely mindfucks the little kid. He scares him with his words, attempts to scare him with his physical appearance but fails. Nevertheless the child is saddened by the words the man said and sits by himself in a corner and cries. The sick fuck has a nurse gather the child's tears and put them in a martini glass for him.

Super saddening!! What the hell! I'm completely outraged by this! I suppose the passage has its purpose. After I read it, I was definitely appreciative of Dr Lecter convincing this man to cut his own face off and feed it to dogs.

End of the Bistro Drama and Weekend Work

It's great that the restaurant job is going so well because it really helped me to stay calm during the hunting down of my final bistro paycheck.

I don't want to get too into it again because it was very upsetting and exhausting for me, even though I knew in the back of my mind I was in the driver's seat.

Boss refused to pay me. I called him and texted his general manager over the course of a week's time. Still nothing. Finally I threatened with a wage claim filed with the department of Industrial Relations and he agreed to pay me that very same day. I showed up, he said some shit, I stayed calm, he said some more shit and refused to let me say goodbye to kitchen staff and so I let him have it. Told him if he payed his employees on time maybe he wouldn't be having these kinds of problems. I stayed calm but he was shaking and almost near tears with what I assume was rage and embarassment. He is not used to hearing the truth from his workers, mostly illegal immigrants that feel scared to ask for their money because they don't want to get fired. That was another reason I felt so inclined to speak up for them, and another reason the sight of him makes me sick.

I got my cash and left. Went to the bank and deposited it and was able to vent a little to my cousin's husband, the law clerk that gave me the advice in the first place who ironically, worked in the same building as the bistro. We chatted about the bistro disconnect and also about my cousin, his wife, pregnant with their first child.

He was surprisingly candid with me about the child. He was nervous, unsure but excited. I was happy I got to see him in that mindframe because every time I try to understand what a child does to change a person's life, the people I speak to already have children and are so impatient and confused with what I'm asking. I assume it's because they already have had the full hormonal shifts and so tending to their child feels as natural as breathing. They don't remember what life felt like before their child. I am interested in the hormonal shift so I like to ask probing questions on the subject. People don't always understand or appreciate why. He seemed okay with my questions which made me stop asking them!

After we parted I did the bank, mailed out the found wallet at the post office, shopped a lil for work clothes and came home to get started on laundry. I have a real fancy event tomorrow evening where the mayor and a bunch of other "important" San Diegans will be feasting. I am put on as a lead server. I have no idea what that means because I am a bartender and I am confused as to why I am not even being put on as a barback if getting behind the catering company's bar is what I am after.

I got a friend a job with the same catering company, and tomorrow will be his first event. I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks so I am looking forward to working with him. Though we will probably be working separately all night but oh well, I'm sure we will be able to talk a little bit at some point. I want to tell him about the bistro boss, I can already see the expression on his face.

Sunday there is a hugeass festival on the street where my restaurant job is, so I will be on center stage, working the bar with my bar manager... He is fairly young but really seems to know his shit so I am excited to get to work with him. I have to be on my A-game because the restaurant will be flooded which means lots of people to perform for and lots of tips to be made! I have no idea what my work schedule will be next week but I hope they keep me at 4 days for the restaurant...that gives me a spare day to do a catering event and 2 days to chill...

Money is starting to roll in and I have to start watching how I spend it. So far I have been pretty good about eating at home, with only 2 dining outs last week and some money spent on Cliff bars at 7-11 before a shift. I usually have my work schedule so packed that I only get to eat quickly, which is why I tend to go out and spend money on food. But I've got to cut that out because I've got other priorities for the money right now and I am determined to take care of them!!

Protecting Myself from the Servers

Starting my second week of work, I am happy to receive my first credit card tips check right on time on Monday. No problems, no wheedling of the management to pay me on time, just showed up to work and was handed a check. Love it! Now I can save my energy for actual work, instead of fighting with shady employers.

So they pay me on time and the money is good. But I am not out of the woods quite yet. The biggest challenge will be setting the shady servers straight at this job. Learning a new job is stressful enough, but when you're in the hospitality industry, you have to set the record straight from day one, and establish parameters of civility around yourself or else you'll be thrown to the wolves. "Thrown to the wolves" meaning you won't get tipped out, you'll find yourself running around doing backwards cartwheels for the servers while your guests at the bar are neglected. I learned that very good lesson from a badass lifetime bartender in Oakland.

Working in the hospitality industry can be so damn stressful!

I'm still working on learning everyone's names and where the damn juicers, muddlers, fckin brown sugar are in the bar/restaurant and now I must also make sure to let the servers know they cannot walk all over me. For some reason, though these people are walking with average $200 in tips per shift, they still feel the need to be greedy as hell. To further complicate things, there are no cash registers on site.

I've been very frank and open with everyone though, and I'm hoping that will at least garner some kind of awareness that I am not shady and do not want to be involved with bullshit. Straightforward! I'll give you your money, you give me mine, everything is fine.

I work again tonight, and tomorrow day shift as well. So far I am enjoying day shifts more but I've not had many night shifts yet so that judgement may change. There is a huge festival this Sunday day shift, which I will be working alongside my bar manager, that I'm pretty excited about. He's giving me a chance to get a taste for super busy shifts so I have to be on my A-game...that way he knows I can handle busy, and I'll have a better chance for being scheduled for future insane-o shifts.

Plus I genuinely think its going to be fun! We get along really well and hes a damn good bartender. I will learn a lot from him and hopefully we pull in a ton of money for the restaurant and ourselves.

Mother's Day

Mother's day has not always been my favorite holiday. As a child I would shower my dad with gifts and love on Mother's day. Mom was not in the picture. As an adult, I am less inclined to really give a damn about either of my parents and have chosen to celebrate my grandmother this Mother's day, whether she likes it or not! After all she is the person that actually raised me. Dad wasn't a complete burnout or anything, but grandma was the person I spent the most time with. Dad was good about raising me like a boy though, teaching me to be independent financially and emotionally...wooping my ass when necessary, and sometimes when not so necessary...interestingly enough, our distance is a direct result of those independent lessons...which he resents to no end while I don't understand why he isn't more proud of me for being exactly the way he wanted me to be.

But I have to digress! This entry is supposed to be about exploring my feelings towards my grandma. Really I'd like to complain and re-hash all of my complex feelings towards my mother but I am denying myself that here. It's been done a million times and there are never any solutions that make sense or stick for me for very long. The only reason she is at the forefront of my mind these days is because she chose to come back into her children's lives right around mother's day. A couple days ago to be exact. She completely screwed up the vibe I had going with my lil sis and nephew and I am pissed about that. My sister's home was a sanctuary away from mom's chaos but now it's the center of her universe, and who knows for how long. If she has her way I'm sure it will be years to come. "Indefinite" is one of her favorite words and ways of being.

I am trying to digress! But I am so annoyed with her. And at the root of my annoyance is a fear that I will someday be as dependent on family and unable to stand on my own two feet as she is. I am deathly afraid of that happening. I do not want to be homeless, penniless, yet full of booze when I am her age. I do not want my children (if I have any) to completely dread our interaction because of the confusing feelings I cause them to have.

She is a hedonistic woman, and has always been. Her intelligence and charisma, loving heart is still there, but she chooses to use them for self-serving purposes. How can someone so selfish be so destitute? Is it even possible to be so self-absorbed and yet have nothing to show for your life? Fuck Coach bags and expensive shoes, how about a roof over your head? Fuck owning your home, how about just being able to rent an apartment that has a little love thrown into it?

My mind understands her. My mind knows she just chose the wrong men, and their lives became hers, their minds her own. She could not stay separate from them. I understand this because I have done this on occasion before as well. Luckily I am currently with a man that would not allow such bullshit. And because my mind understands her, I also understand how simple it would be to fall into the life path she has blazed. I have already surpassed her standards of living a thousand times and still I fear I am not quite out of the woods. Everytime I have to squeeze pennies to make rent, have past due amounts on bills, cannot afford furnishings for my home, my heart jumps in fear that I will be just like her one day.

To top it off, everywhere I look Mother's day is some huge hugfest. I do not feel that way and I never have. I have wanted to many times, trust me. I'd love to, but I don't. There is no reason to in my world. So that is why I have chosen to embrace my grandmother this year, despite her reticence. And yes she's not a heartless person, but she has had her share of raising children as well as grandchildren and she is not the cuddly type of grandmother at all.

I will see her tomorrow, and take my little sister and nephew to visit with her as well, so that they may get a little sanity in their lives. I can't imagine the feelings my sister is going through with my mom at her house. I would not take her in. I'm outraged that she has the gall to step into my sister's hard-earned sanctuary and set up camp. I hope she recharges her proverbial life batteries soon enough and gets back out on the street where she prefers to be anyway.

Work/Bar Update!

So the bistro job is long gone. I succumbed to peer pressure and quit via text message. Thanks sister and boyfriend! It wasn't really my style - pretty saditty actually but overall it was the best choice. That job didn't even pay its damn workers minimum wage on time anyway. Super shady. After the quick quit, I was able to focus entirely on this week's first week behind the bar without pulling double shifts for shitty tips.

The restaurant I work at is super nice. Very chill (except for the servers but I will win them over eventually - btw why do servers have to be so damn angry all the time lol - they make so much money! mfers should be all smiles all day) and a lovely environment. I work less hours than the bistro and make more money. It's already a better job and I'm just showing up at this point, haven't even mastered where everything/who everyone is yet.

My bar manager and the general restaurant manager are both really cool guys. I like them. The chef is kind of a douche but I think hes just a weirdo and I'm staying casual and friendly with him so take that, grumpy chef!

No but really, that's just my tactic when dealing with unsavory people in a work environment. I am casual, friendly, but keep it light. I'm not interested in being everybody/anybody's friend that acts that way. But I'm not interested in being their enemy either. I am focused on my customers and navigating the ever-changing puzzle of figuring out how to get the most tips out of them. That's my main focus but I know work can be a fun place, so I try to be approachable at least. Not everyone does. But I refuse to add to negativity in the work place so I try my best to keep it light and smiling on the surface.

The tip-out procedure is unorthodox at this restaurant. Credit card tips arrive via paycheck once a week. Never done that before. Needless to say, I am eagerly looking forward to Monday now. And hourly paychecks are every 2 Thursdays. Paychecks came yesterday so I will have to wait 2 weeks for my first hourly paycheck...but it should be fat enough to pay rent just in time so I'm ok with that.

Back to bar issues...getting used to being watched all the time has been a lil tough. I haven't been behind a bar since January, and that bar I had worked at for a year so I was super comfortable behind it. This place has a double-sided bar so I am being watch by customers on all sides. I'm not super paranoid about it or anything, but it's taking a lil getting used to...I am taking more care with my appearance at work now. Since I have a bar manager that actually knows what hes doing (he even has shifts behind the bar!) the bartender's life is super easy. I have food runners, bussers, barbacks...its basically my job to make drinks, look good and make money...that's alright with me!

Fish Fry and First Durian

Since I'm finally enjoying a day off, of course we decided to head down to south San Diego and visit with my grandparents. After being lectured for a bit on my life decisions we headed to seafood city and got some fried fish. I was super happy to spend some time in the Filipino store, and my lil cousin and I picked up some Filipino goodies not found in the local grocery stores.

My guy noticed some durian fruit in the freezer case at seafood city and after some debate, we decided to get one and all have our first taste of the fruit together. I pulled up YouTube videos on how to open and eat the fruit and the 4 of us got hyped up about trying something so different and new to our tastebuds.

On the way home we stopped at an intensely local Mexican market and my grandpa bought a bag of fresh tortillas. Conversations ranged from stinky fruit to upcoming prom for my cousin to my unorthodox work schedule. Overall very fun and social interaction.

We got back to the house and a couple more of my older cousins were there. There were 8 of us total and we all sat down to eat. Yummy fried fish, rice, slaw and fresh salsa pico de gallo my grandma had prepared. The fresh tortillas finished the meal perfectly. We all ate our fill and made more plans to get together soon.

After the meal my guy, younger cousin, grandpa and I decided to give the durian a whirl. We got a cleaver, newspaper for the floor and headed outside to get the fruit we had left out there because of its intense smell. I got on the floor for leverage and started working on cutting the fruit open. It is an awkwardly-shaped fruit, covered in thick thorns. Not the easiest thing to handle.

We were all really excited about trying something so different. We laughed and joked about it and I kept working the rind off. My guy took over when it came to prying the fruit open, and I got my first glimpse of the white insides. My guy tasted the fruit on his finger and said it was delicious. I worked my courage up and followed suit, and was pleasantly surprised.

It had the consistency of custard. Creamy and soft on my tongue it had a hint of almonds and cheesecake. I've never tasted a fruit like that before. It was so good I started working extra hard to get the fruit open. My cousin and grandpa tried it and loved it. I sent my cousin to bring spoons for all of us and finally we started scooping it out onto a plate so that we could get more into our faces.

Aphrodisiac? Maybe. Weird? Yes. Tasty? Definitely. My cousin and I split the rest and I decided to try a durian/strawberry/banana milkshake soon. I've yet to make it. I will probably have it for breakfast tomorrow.

Bistro Blues

So the bistro has a really cool co-worker. The kitchen is ok, but they are suspicious of me, which is fine but my fellow server is super nice and fun to work with. So I don't have to deal with a long thawing process to get to a really nice and friendly working relationship with her. She likes to keep busy and keep the bistro clean, which I also like to do, so we work together well. 

Side note: it always amazes me how women in the kitchen hate the shit out of me when I first start working at a new place. They are so territorial! So angry I get to dress up nice and take all the customers' money! Well you should have tried being a server or bartender before you turned your nose up at customer service and got stuck sweating in the kitchen!!

Back to the server at my the bistro job...

She has a really thick mexican accent and shes super short. Its so funny to hear her talking with customers and see their initial confusion turn into eventual acceptance and adoration. "What did you say?" turns into "thank you so much! We had a lovely time!"

She claims she doesn't know much about computers because shes from the rancho (from the ranch) which I think is such a cute and funny thing to say. I help her out with the computer and she helps me out with the opening shift. Apparently I can wake up decently fine at 7am for serving work, but 5am, forget it I feel like a prisoner of war. By the time 3pm rolls around I'm ready to cry a tear or two for all other servers that have morning shifts. 

I've no idea how office people do it. None whatsoever!!!

On the downside, the bistro boss is flakey when it comes to payday. I recently found this out 2 days ago. Really marred my opinion of the guy BUT will make it easier to quit for the bar job when the time comes, so I guess it works out. How can you expect your workers to be on time, do everything you ask and then not even pay them a damn minimum wage on time? That's slavery in my book. And I'm nobodys slave! I don't care how "forgetful" or flaky you are!

 

Little Breathing Room...

Week of training at the bistro is over. Thank goodness, from here on out I will be getting tips.

Got a bar job but need to wait n see how it works out. At some point I will most likely leave the bistro job for the bar job. But for the first month or so I will try to juggle the two of them - to maximize money and also to make sure the bar job is legit. If the economy wasnt so stupidly broken, and San Diego didn't take fucking months to get people hired I wouldnt have to stagger jobs like this...

In either case, I'm happy to have more work than I know what to do with for the moment. In addition to those two jobs I am also signed up with 3 catering companies and the one staffing agency. Staffing agency sucks. Catering is only 1 event a week, maybe two, so basically I have my weekends locked down with the three companies. But I only do one event a day.

Yesterday and today I had training at the bistro from 8am-11am and then an event for a different catering company from 3-11pm. I am currently resting my foot a bit before I jump back into getting ready for the event tonight. 

I really just want the bar job. It came to me a couple days after I had started training at the bistro though. I like the bistro but the money and hours suck. But they have me at 4 shifts a week starting off so thats basically full-time for a serving position. I couldn't say no to that. Then the bar called me! And they want me! So timing is all screwy. 

My focus today is just to get through this event. This will  be the 6th straight day of work this week. And it starts all over again 7am Monday. 

I really want that bar to get back to me to set up my orientation session! So I can start figuring out how to plant the seeds in my bistro manager's mind about leaving after a month or so.

I really like the people at the bistro, but again, hours and money isnt so great. Money is only ok because its several shifts a week. The whole reason to work is to make money right? So I will see which job brings me more of that, balancing the work environment/coworkers in the equation before making my decision.

AND OF COURSE while I'm dealing with all of this, my dude is still depressed as fuck and I am still feeling like wanting to get into a different line of work. I've no idea what to do with him other than try to be positive and patient. Who the fuck knows if i'm doing a good job or not. At this point I'm just trying to get back to my comfort zone of being able to fully support myself financially as well as save money. Thats always my goal.

End of Another Event

Today I worked an event at a private school in an 'exclusive' neighborhood of town. It was a silent auction with dinner and Sammy Hagar performing afterwards. There were 400 guests attending. I only got to bartend for a little while. I'm not happy about that.

Most companies have a high influx of people that want to bartend. When I signed up with this company the hiring gal told me I'd get more work if I was flexible with what I did. Later I found out she works in the office but also bartends weddings for the company.

Bartending weddings, even through a catering company = crazy tips. People essentially throw twenty dollar bills at the bartender at weddings. I'm not sure if they do that thinking the bartender will tip out the rest of the servers, but we don't. We pocket that cash. So this hiring gal has a super sweet setup for herself. I can't begrudge her that.

However, I did my time with serving and now I want to get behind that bar again. I'll have to demand bartending shifts from the catering director himself. This is how the business goes.

Marriage of Thee Ex

Since I found out my first love got married recently, catering weddings has been a weird experience. Tonight was no exception. I kept thinking over and over how I don't want this kind of wedding. How I would positively hate having all my family under one roof, hate hearing my dad give some fake speech, hate having everyone see my groom bite a ribbon off my thigh or whatever that tradition is...

How can I be so anti traditional situations and yet in a way, wish for them? That's just got to be masochism. To be honest, I don't want any of the traditional wedding. I know the bride was getting banged by 60% of the dudes in the room before the husband walked into the picture. I know the husband date raped hella sorority sisters during his frat years... I am not stupid enough to think that these people are better people than me. I don't make myself feel worse by telling myself I am not good enough for all that planning and fancy ceremony. It's not any of that.

So what is it? I have yet to put my finger on it. All I know for a fact is that I don't want any part of anything that traditional.

However, I do like feeling special. I do like being taken out to nice fancy dinners and dressing up for them. I enjoy money being spent on me and particularly on really good food and drink that I get to enjoy with someone or some people, in company I enjoy.

Perhaps I will feel better about the ex getting married in the nauseatingly traditional way if I were enjoying a nice cup of red wine overlooking some foreign body of water in some foreign country. Something calm and casual. I've got to figure it out. So far all I can think about is looking damn fuckin fine for the rest of my life as being the best medicine to make myself feel better. We'll see if the solution changes again anytime soon.

Weird Day

Today was restless and somewhat aimless. I overate today. All day. Made me very uncomfortable. Mood-swinging boyfriend. Sav tells me patience is the key to surviving this and helping him survive. I'm not sure what to do. I try to fill the house with music, baseball, food and Archer when my guy is slipping. Still, at times he is inconsolable.

Sure wish I had money like I did in the bay. Would be such a weight off our shoulders if I was just raking in the dough like before.

If no staffing agency work tomorrow, possibly going to spend time with the grandparents. If that doesn't happen, will apply to restaurant jobs. Work helps in two ways: money and distraction. During times like these its important to stay busy.

Tomorrow's Return

My guy is officially on the road. He'll drive all night and get home tomorrow late morning/early afternoon sometime. I'm excited to have him come home! I'm not looking forward to cleaning up after him though... I actually got pretty comfortable living alone these past 2 months.

I can't believe I've been living 'alone' for 2 months and nothing bad has happened. Usually when I'm left to my own devices for that long, someone/something gets hurt and/or fucked up. Usually that someone is me! But not this time. Maybe because I've been so busy trying to secure work and adjust to a new place. Maybe because I have family in this city that help me keep my head on straight. Or maybe I've actually grown for the better.

I'm happy he's coming back. I've missed him. Every time I talk to him on the phone I feel so comfortable and understood. No matter what I say, he understands what I actually mean. He checks me when I'm being flighty, over-zealous or impatient. He cuts right through my bullshit and helps keep my feet on the ground.

I hope I can help him adjust back into living for himself. He's been living hardcore for his papa the past couple months. Also for his older brother... Not always a good thing, though he means well by trying to take care of the both of them.

When he comes home, I'll have my schedule going full swing. I'll be working, socializing (which he knows hes invited to participate in) and exercising my right to do whatever the hell I want.

Despite all of my individually-driven nature, I'll be concerned with his comfort level. Since he's been neglecting himself, I'll tend to his physical and mental well-being once he returns. Because I am about being happy and active. I may get in some moody slumps at times, but I naturally am drawn to the positive side of life. I'll do my best to make sure he comes along if he is in the mood to. If not, well I'll make sure he's got someone to talk to if he wants to.

Before Work

I have a million things to do today before work. But after the meal I just ate, I've decided to sit outside with my tortoise for a lil while and let him roam in the garden. This is a big deal for him.

He has not only jumped out of his house on numerous occasions, he's also jumped down my porch stairs trying to get down among the plants. He is just like me, has no real regard for himself when it comes to something he wants.

Putting myself in his shoes I've decided to let him roam around the greenery outside. He's lucky he has someone to watch over his cranky self. So far he loves it and is high-steppin' all over the place. I have to move around to keep him in my sight. Also have to be careful to watch for open spaces under the house, because he will run under there with a quickness.

I wanted to play ingress all day but now that I'm working tonight I cannot. That's okay though, work is more important.

I've got to get ready for work soon. James is going to be pissed when I put him back inside but oh well!

Its really nice sitting out here with him. He is so cute chilling under plants and sniffing around! I should start bringing him out here more often.

Year of the Snake

Per request of a Chinese-American good friend of mine, I've been researching 2013's year of the water snake. There are tons of good websites out there that can detail the year for each chinese animal sign as well as overall year expectations. I'll not go into the sites in this post.

Reading up on this year I've learned that it should be pretty good for my sign the Ox. Predictions are that I will experience an intense move for the better (I did) and experience better career opportunities (idk about that so far but I'm staying optimistic).

One aspect of the year of the snake has to do with sudden changes and death. There have been many deaths and in this year it is said to be prepared for deaths within families. These deaths lead to personal reflection of the surviving family members and hopefully positive mental growth. My guy's dad is on his last legs. There have been some "celebrity" deaths already, and I just learned one of my "uncles" ( I believe he's probably more a '2nd uncle' (grandma's sister's husband)) passed away this morning.

I remember him from my pre-teen years. I never really saw him after the age of 10. He always wore those trucker hats with the breathable mesh back. He smelled ok, kind of musty but not totally unpleasant. As far as I can recall, he was a carpenter (he built a small room at the back of his house for one of his daughters after she had her child). He used to shove his dentures out at us and make us laugh. Later I remember hearing from someone that he was probably a molester, but I never experienced that with him. Still though, once I heard that, I remember not really giving him another thought until this morning when I heard he had passed.

I feel quite insensitive over this whole event. I obviously was not close to him. I'm not really close to that side of my family in general. Once I'm working steadily and dont have to worry how the bills will be paid, I hope to visit with them sometime. Still, my reaction is not one of complete depression and utter fear of mortality, or anything like that. I'm basically nonplussed. I feel like a real asshole putting this out there, but it's what I feel. He is the grandfather of some of my cousins and was married to my nana's sister for what seemed like forever. Clearly he was some kind of loved and good person.

Oh well. I'm an asshole I guess. RIP.

Left and Left

In 2009 I left someone that loved me and that I loved. I tried so desperately to fix the problem but nothing worked. We kept fighting and sleeping separately and it was just a chaotic, sad madhouse. Towards the end there during arguments he started telling me he just wished I would leave, so even though I paid half of everything and deserved to stay just as much as he, I left.

I left one day while he was at work. It was my day off. I threw everything in trashbags and had my cousin bring her SUV over. That was the last time I let him see me for about 4 months.

I know it hurt him deeply. It hurt me too. But how could I stay in the same house with someone who didn't want me there? With someone I did not trust around other females? It was too much.

Now I find myself on what could possibly be the karmic end of things. My guy and I are not constantly fighting, or cheating on each other or anything internal to the relationship like that. He is not sending gifts to girls on the other end of the country.

But I don't know if he's coming back home. He says he is, but he clearly doesn't know when...that freaks me out.

In the meantime, I'm actually doing ok living alone. I've been a bit on pause since he's been gone, as far as adding personal touches to the house but I think I'll just start to take it over.

Its starting to feel nice to live alone. I can just go at my own speed with my own schedule...I am definitely the kind that likes to bring things home for my guy and chatter on about all the random stuff I saw out there but since I've been alone, I've been ok. I enjoy bringing things home still, but now its just my own personal enjoyment that happens.

As work picks up I'm sure the days will go by faster. I hope he comes back. But if he doesn't, I'll be ready for that too.

Changing Life

Life changes so constantly, whether I'm planning it out or not. Cousins n siblings grow up...

Really what I'm trying to say is, it's good to be able to see the changes happening. It's good to be grounded by people that will actually stick around in my life.

Since I've been back in SD that terrible anxiety I was experiencing has dissipated. The super freaky out of body hopelessness has gone. I remember being alone in Oakland just before last Thanksgiving... I remember the strange fear I was experiencing. My inability to feel comfort of any immediate kind. When riding a bicycle down the street was terrifying as I felt the awareness of my own free will rise to the surface.

It was a weird time. I still don't fully understand it. It was completely negative though. There was no creativity, no passion, no nothing but fear and insecurity. I was able to hide it well from others, but when I was alone...

I remember a particular feeling I had. A feeling that I had absolutely no desire to feed myself. This is strange for me, because I really enjoy food. But I remember walking into the kitchen, looking at the stove and going back to lie down in the bed. I lay there for hours on end, feeling myself grow weak.

My body said eat but my brain really did not care. I lost about 10lbs in 2 weeks time.

I can't be alone like that. Not in a hostile environment, where I am scurrying to and from work only to lock myself up in an empty, loveless apartment. Its different here. I am alone here now and I am fine. I have interactions with good people to keep me out of that dark, emotionless place.

Thankful

Good to hear you breathe... Good to hear you sleep... I thank my lucky stars for the patience I've learned over the years... The ability to stay calm and collected when you are off balance...

I'm alone tonight. I've been alone for many nights now. I close my eyes and dream vividly, lost in complex emotions and irrational fears. I wake up from nightmares... Nightmares that I welcome because they are fake, they end... No matter how gruesome they get, they end, and my waking life seems paradisical in comparison.

I find in my solitude the ability to feel connected to more people. In my stress over money I realize that I am truly grateful for things that exist specifically outside the realm of money... I lose shame and greedy drive... I cut down on the cost of my life and am much happier because of it. I make plans for the future to solidify my newfound definitions of happiness.

And when I listen to you breathe deeply in your sleep, I can only hope you decide to come along for the ride. I know it will be difficult at times, but maybe that will make it all the more worthwhile.

Nothing is Making it Better

I questioned the "love" in my current relationship. I had never felt this way about a person before. It's not the usual obsessive, all-encompassing insane lust/desire/happiness that I have experienced only once before with my "thee ex" as a friend calls it.

That love was young and immediate. Rash and very very possessive. It was more about sexual exploration and feeling at home when near the person. Going anywhere with that person and feeling the same at all times. A neverending passion for a person that was only ended when his appreciation for other females came into play. Started by his physical presence and ended by his physical presence.

He had such a command on my mind and heart. Complete and total ownership if he wanted it. But he was not strong enough. Maybe its just that we were both young. That's what I try to tell myself nowadays.

I thought that was the only type of love there was. I reveled in it and dreamt about it. I painted endless pictures for it and even to this day I remember it with fond longing. I still dream about it and I still put those images on canvas, paper, write down in books and online.

I am now 6 years older and in a relationship with someone that stirs my affections in different ways. At first I thought to myself "this is not love," because it was so far removed from the immediate physical/chemical reaction I had experienced before. It couldn't be love. It didn't make sense. It was far more on the friendship spectrum. It started with hours and hours of talking. Drinking and laughing and travelling all over the place, talking all day and long into the night. It was a best friend I found that I  had not had in a male for years.

But I find myself absolutely dreading the possibility of losing this current love. Even though I still feel like I don't understand it fully. As we speak on the phone I realize I am filled with so many different emotions at the sound of his voice and participating in his conversation. I am annoyed, irritated, jealous, angry, sad, disgusted one minute...then the next I am just so happy to hear his voice I could almost cry laughing.

I still have not wrapped my head around this type of love. Whereas my only other experience with love was with someone who gave himself wholeheartedly to me, this love is different. It is more reserved, calm, more gentle and yes, in charge. I am not in charge here. I was in charge before, and that was all chaos, drama and sex. Here someone else is in charge no matter how I try to reverse that. That's exactly it. That's why I dont feel completely comfortable or fully comprehend it. Fuck.

Wondering About This Week

My guy was supposed to be here on Sunday for my birthday. That didn't happen. I'm hoping he makes it back in time for this Easter Sunday at my sister's house.

I expected him to miss my birthday. Even though he said he planned on being back before it, I just had a feeling he wouldn't. And he didn't.

Now I'm having the same feeling about Easter. I really hope he proves me wrong this time. But a part of me just really is learning not to expect much from him when it comes to our relationship.

His dad is dying. He missed Sunday because his dad got chemotherapy on Wednesday and then came down with a fever on Friday. They took him to the hospital because he has a weakened immune system and can't really afford to deal with even the smallest of infections.

That's why my guy stayed.

I knew I was going to be left alone if I didn't choose to move out there with his family at this point in time. Now more than ever I am glad I chose to come out to San Diego instead of staying in Oakland. At least here I can busy myself with looking for work and visiting with family when time allows.

This whole cancer business is terrible. I hope we can find a way to stay together. He's mentioned thinking of looking for a job out there in the desert. He's told me he'd like for me to go out there. But I don't want to be surrounded by death in the desert... Trying to single-handedly keep his family together. I don't want to do that.

I wonder what changed from when he was in Oakland to now? He was so far removed from his family then. In Oakland he was in a drunken stupor when we met. Then he slowly got better and better at dealing with reality. I do remember encouraging him to return his dad's phone calls, and try to go out there to visit whenever he could.

Maybe the father has just gotten progressively more sick. I've been with my guy for 2 years and the dad seems about the same as when I met him that first year. But he's been sick for going on 5 years now.

I can't imagine how exhausted it's made my guy. How frayed his nerves are. Fuck.

What a shitty way to spend the last few years of your twenties.

First San Diego Catering Event

It was a success! The company is very professional with very knowledgeable, experienced staff. Everyone was a bit reserved, but if there's anything I've learned from my time in catering is: talk to everyone!! Because people that work catering events usually have several different jobs. Who knows what kind of work you can get connected to...

Anyway the people that I did speak to were all nice. Very polite and such. I got a lead on a bartending catering company. Got the number, supervisor's name and a reference ;) and this all from a female!

I have to take a moment here to explain my shock at being helped by a female bartender. I've worked in many bars/restaurants and its a general rule that no bartender wants to get you a job at their establishment. You are competition. If you get hired, that might create competition for those coveted shifts. That's why you ask to speak with a manager instead of the bartender. It is very rare they will help you. And this is all increased considerably if the bartender is a female.

The way people treat each other in San Diego is a very refreshing change. Job hunting still super sucks but at least people are nicer.

Recharging in San Diego

Since I've been back in SD I've been more social, more active... Spent quality time with my sister and her son... Avoided the bullshit unnecessary drama that certain members of my family live for...

I've felt safe and comfortable. Nervous and frustrated over the job search, freaked out over lack of money... But one thing I truly can say is that as long as I have good people to pass the time with, money takes a backseat on my attention list.

I've had meals with my grandparents that I couldn't ask for time better spent. I've missed my guy since he's been gone the last month. I've worried about the status of our relationship but luckily I am ok with not being priority number one when there are more pressing matters at hand.

I've busted my foot and been lent a cane by a good friend. I've felt safe in my own house. I've made contact with an old schoolmate that showed me how to respect myself even though I haven't gone off and made millions of dollars since high school, and that it's important to keep my own interests.

I've had confidence in myself to envision myself doing things I never thought possible before. Certain types of jobs... Lifestyles... All different and positive.

I've been growing here. Growing in very good ways. I am regaining my natural confidence and my spirit has been lifting... It's been a very good experience... And once work solidifies, it will only get better.

Phone Conversation About Death

Every time I get a good guy, they are ripped out of my life by circumstances beyond both of our control. I always find myself alone at the house.

I'm sick of it. It really pisses me off.

I don't want to go to New Mexico and watch a good man slowly die over the next several months... A man that has already been slowly dying for 5 years. Watch his whole family fall apart. I really don't. I don't care about all the networks my guy is promising are already set up. Job opportunities and apartments and "people that actually care about us and want to help us." All of these things are being said to me by a man rendered helpless by death. A man desperate to bridge two realities and two lives.

I don't have the right answers or the best course of action. I do know he's right about my family sucking on the supportive end of things. But then again, I've never accepted help from anyone, or asked for it, so they are kind of used to that. I am barely allowing my grandparents to help me by buying me some new work shoes because mine are starting to fall apart.

I don't accept help well. It's something I need to work on. I much prefer earning my own keep and way. My pride and self reliance can easily be misinterpreted as insubordination. No excuse for my family dropping the ball on the supportive end, they are definitely shitheads. Except for my grandparents who are lovely people.

He wants me to go out to New Mexico for what I know would be an indefinite amount of time. With the dad dying, all the family pets either dying or running away, and the older brother a ton of bricks drunk as a skunk. I don't think that is a good environment for me.

At least here in San Diego the sun shines. If I leave my front door open I get a cool breeze. I can hear the water less than a mile away from my doorstep. Everyday really feels like a gift here. I can be in a super foul mood and just walk outside and almost instantly feel better. The neighborhood is lovely and once work becomes steady, life will truly be beautiful.

I am happy I did not move to New Mexico. I am happy I came to San Diego. I do not want to go to New Mexico and helplessly watch as this family falls apart. I'd much rather hold it down here, so my guy has something positive and uplifting to turn to.

Finally Finished

With a long, tedious, expensive, completely disorganized task. Anyone that knows me knows that if it's long and tedious, I'm ok with it. But once it gets expensive, and then on top of that I'm paying top dollar for completely unprofessional disorganization... Well that just pisses me off!

The only part I will miss are those other fuckups like me. Those beautiful, unknowing, suffering members of a society making money off the misfortunes of its citizens.

One of the guys was pretty cute. Pretty damn cute actually. But definitely not my type. At all. Even though I've recently developed an appreciation for blondes, he was more the douchey type. The let-me-hide-myself-behind-a-front-of-total-calm-and-say-off-kilter-things-to-try-and-make-everyone-uncomfortable type. I'm not with all those shenanigans. Be quiet and brooding, sure ok, but don't be so boringly obvious about it!

The entire organization is just terrible. I don't wish the experience on my worst enemy. My only consolation is that it's finally over. Though it will take some time for my nerves and mind to get over it completely. A long, long time.

Important Lesson About Individualism

Everywhere I go and look and everyone I care to ponder their influence on my life has brought me to one concept: I've got to always remember to put myself and the things that will benefit me, first. This does not mean I should disregard the needs or well-being of others. It actually means that in order for me to give my best to others, I've got to first BE my best. It is not the obnoxious kind of selfishness that I really hate, it is a crucially beautiful selfishness. The kind that leads to a justified good person.

I get so offended when I feel disregarded by others in the slightest. This is not necessary, and in fact is self inflicted harm. Interacting with family, I noticed that jealousy has been surfacing. Jealousy and resentment. Then I start to talk bad to myself and the next thing I know, I'm spiraling down again.

But this is not necessary. Actually this type of thinking is keeping me stagnant and down. I should be happy about people, especially family, doing well for themselves. If I have a problem with myself, I am the only person who can change it.

And this brings me back full circle. Detaching myself from other people. Stopping all care of what others 'may think.' What others think does not matter. Sure, what my boss thinks matters - I'm not suggesting or condoning losing a job from this type of thinking. This is about self identification. This type of thinking is positive and self empowering.

What is important to me? How has that changed over the years? How has that not changed? What has remained steadfast at my side over these tumultuous years? What are goals that I can set with regard to these obviously important things?

More Negative Conversation Topics on the Phone

Just like I said I'm tired of spending time with my guy on the phone talking about family drama, I'm soooo tired of "updating" him on my constant job search. Retelling stories about rejection after rejection does not feel good. Hearing his suggestions on how to improve it, when I've done all of those and he'd know it if he were here instead of in another state for the last month, does not help either.

I do not want to hear about his neverending quest to save his older brother. Trying to socialize and help the relationship of the brother with the father. These quests go well while he's there then fail as soon as he leaves his brother's side. They not only fail, they blow up massively and he has to hear it on the phone the next time his brother is in a drunken rage. Also I do not want to hear the calm tone of his stepmom as she gets on the phone and tells them to come to the house cuz "tacos are ready." Shit everywhere is shitty but "tacos are ready." Your older brother is a piece of shit with no sense of duty but lets just feed and clothe him day in day out and then be confused why he never lifts a finger to help himself or anyone else. Now come get your tacos.

If I didn't have people, I would collapse into my own pit of despair and paranoid delusion. I don't want to spend my time recounting stories of my struggle to stay out of said pit to the one person that can really reach me. I just want to be able to converse and keep it light. Tell me something good. If I had something good to say, I'd love to say it! If I don't...well maybe I shouldn't be talking in the first place.

I told him "I don't want our conversations to center around so much negativity." And he told me "you brought it up." And he's right. I did. But I only did out of a sense of duty, to update him on how shitty the rejection search goes while I'm alone.

He reminds me that things are better now than they were before... and he's right. They are better. But no money=a restraint on my mobility and that really pisses me off. Especially because I actually want to work. I am a worker by habit, trade, culture, shit whatever you want to say. I am a workaholic even. And no work, with rent and bills of all kinds coming up...the shit drives me into a panicked frenzy.

When I'm in a panicked frenzy I am totally reclusive. I don't want to push it on other people. I find myself avoiding talking about myself whenever with others, visiting with family and the like. The only difference with my guy is that he is my guy...he is the one person that is supposed to be the closest to me. And he is. And unfortunately with that comes the shitty side of me that not many people get to see. Because not only is it none of their business, but I don't want to be rude.

Phone Conversation With My Guy

I am really getting tired of talking about my family drama. Spent like an hour on the phone with my guy, 'updating' him. He kept asking me questions... He genuinely cares about my siblings and wants to know what's going on. But it took up so much time! What's the point taking up precious time with that kind of thinking and talking?

I always wanted to be the strong savior in my family. Always wanted to be the badass oldest sister that all the kids could look up to. I've probably inspired my siblings in various ways. But now I feel I've got to switch it up a bit. It can't be about money because I don't have that. It will have to continue being mental and emotional support. Just 'being there.' That's what its going to have to be. Hopefully it's effective and helpful.

There's only so much chaotic drama I can take before I decide to bow out. I can't do that with family so like I said, will have to find a way to switch it up and retain myself at the same time.

Random

My ex would get so angry at the condition of my computer keyboard. I bought the thing for $5 6 years ago from a used computer parts bin. I also bought my current mouse for $2 at the time. It might have even been less money. I bought the keyboard for the sole reason that the keys depress easily. My ex had taught me that the easier the keys depress, the easier it was to play computer games and type. My brain turned that into the most important thing I could get from a keyboard and nothing else matters.

He was the type to have a super messy room, but be annoyed with a dirty computer keyboard. Meanwhile he had thrown his computer monitor out of the window in a rage...to have it get rained on...and to bring it back in the house and keep using it afterwards (it still worked!). Anyway, the way I feel about my keyboard is probably the way most feel about body tattoos...

The marks and stains show history and  yes, character. It's not a complete mess filthy mess-  I've wiped it down. But if there is a random purple stain, that's wine...if there is a key popped out...well you know something must've happened that day...If you look closely at the keys there is a line of color along the edges...no doubt from whatever haphazard experience it's been through on any given day.

But I can't complain. It works and the keys still depress easily. It's been through years of abuse and it's still here. That's all I need to know to keep it around right???

Sister's 6 Day Vacation

The first day we were together. We went to my other sister's house and spent the night. Friday we came back to my house. Saturday I had an interview and she went to my other sister's again. I chose to stay home and spare my foot the trekking around.

Sunday and Monday she spent time with my cousin and slept at my sister's. I had lunch with them on Sunday. Tuesday my sisters spent the day together while I took care of some almost finished business outside of town and Tuesday night my sister came back to my house.

Wednesday she left. We parted with her going to the airport and me going to a job interview.

We only really spent about 2.5 days together. I did my best to give her the space she deserves, to spend time with other family members. Really I tried to take care of my own business as well as spend time with her. It was a different way of approaching it.

Usually I'd be perma-stuck to her side. Or I'd at least go out of my way to make sure I saw her daily on her trip here. But it was different this time. My injured and tender foot made me act differently. How did it make me feel?

It was ok. I am super broke so the job search pretty much took up much of my focus. Like i told her, the next visit will be better, when I'm working and have had time to explore the city more... it was hard seeing my little sister when I was so broke. If I had money I'd have gone shopping with her, bought groceries and made her a feast like that time in Oakland...

Regardless, I had a good time seeing her. I hope she goes home and gets some rest. There was a lot that happened this weekend with the family and in my own unemployed life... moms, grandma... My dad throwing a huge tantrum... she somehow survived it all seemingly unfazed.

My sis said she was going to go home and take a really long shower then sleep in her own bed. She was really looking forward to sleeping in her own bed. She was really looking forward to seeing her puppy... my other brother and sister that live out there too. The ones she grew up with.

I can relate. She's really excited to see her guy this Saturday... I can also relate to that.

She's changed in so many ways... And yet is still the same intelligent, quick-witted lil thing she always was.

And I had a good time. Stressed and annoyed with the job search but the times we did spend together were pleasant. I'm just really going to have to figure out a way to keep the conversation from being derailed by family drama. I'm really getting tired of talking about that kind of stuff.

Sister's Spring Break

Starts tomorrow and goes to next Wednesday! She's coming out from Texas. I'm soooo happy I figured out a way to walk today and get my foot to stop hurting (spent hella money on orthotics). Now I can be somewhat mobile for her visit!

I'll meet her at the airport tomorrow morning early... We will come back to my place and prepare for the journey to my other sister's apartment in el cajon. I'm taking some food to her house so we can eat a lil if we get hungry. Sis just moved in to that apartment about 2 days ago, so we'll really help her break it in and make it feel like a home.

We'll spend the night there tomorrow night and then probably come back to my house Friday and stay here. Then hopefully by then there will be enough conversing between the three of us to figure out the next several days. I'm excited! While we're visiting I'll be waiting to hear back from two different jobs and also setting up my appointments to get my taxes filed and some time scheduled with the dentist.

I hope these jobs hurry up and happen, and that my foot continues to heal quickly from the use of these orthotics... I need money!

My Own Humanity Being Forced Upon Me...

...by my foot!!

This clinic job I'm going for (note to self: listen to Clinic today) is a public outreach position. Meaning I talk to the community about the services offered by the clinic. Talk to people on the street, talk to people in meetings...talking and walking all day. It's a fairly different line of work than I'm used to; it's definitely going to be a different work environment than talking to and regulating drunks all night.

 I told somebody recently that a job like this would have been perfect for the Samantha that I was right after high school, before I moved to the bay area. After my experiences at University and living in Oakland for damn near a decade, I give less of a shit about helping my fellow man than I used to. I pretty much only care about how much money I can make from a job at this point. Also, living in Oakland for all that time has soured my opinion or care for any homeless people I may interact with (they are too damn aggressive there!) Whereas before I left SD as a young and nubile babe (hah!) I was very compassionate to homeless people.

This non-profit job will have me talking to homeless people a lot, because that is the community that makes up a large percentage of downtown San Diego that would utilize the free services of the clinic. But I'm going for this job because A.) I need work and B.) SD's bar scene is more about how fake your breasts are than how well you make a cocktail.

I stop here and wonder to myself: "What the fuck are you doing? You should be making money! Not walking around all damn day 'helping' people! Have you lost your mind? Money!"

This is really how my mind jumps back and forth on itself. Bear with me...

I am going for this job because of the different work environment. I've never done it before, its a challenge, its something different blah blah blah...also it offers benefits which I've never had. Well except that one time I worked as a bartender for Scott's in downtown Oakland but I quit that job due to sexual harassment from managers, shitty pay and well, incompetent managers all over me all the time. The bartenders at Scott's make shit for tips. It's a bad setup. But they steal enough to compensate so its all good. Still, tip James (weekday night bartender) and whatever shmuck they have doing weekend nights heavily...cuz those poor suckers make shit for money and stress like crazy. Well James is a pro at getting his money after 20 years but the weekend bartender is always new and always getting screwed over (that was me!).

BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND. My left foot is fucked up. It's sore and tingly and feels like I'm walking on pins and needles and the skin feels really tight and it's just all bad. Nevermind how this will make working at any job on my feet interesting from now on, my mobility in this very second, is hindered. I am no longer an unstoppable force. I am very much stopped.

And I think, when I get this job (because there's really no reason why I shouldn't) and I'm talking to people...the chance of them being homeless and injured are very high. Perhaps this injury happened to me to smack some sense into me. To stop my stupid arrogant bay area style paper chase and help me see that helping people in need is an awesome thing to do. Because I know how shitty it feels to need help and not have the money to set all services up production-line style. These people will be dirty, and sick, and fucking clueless and it's up to me to at least make their search for water, shelter, or medical services, easier to find.

And really, after I share some info with them, I can walk away, unlike any bar job where I either suffer through idiocy or kick them out. Well hopefully by then my foot is healed properly and I will be able to walk away.

Two Realities

Talking to my guy on the phone I hear how exhausted he is. He tells me he hasn't slept well and has helped with his ill father nonstop since he got there. The older brothers are off doing more important things, like sleeping all day and making money, respectively.

I hate to hear my guy sounding so tired. I know he completely throws himself into whatever must be done to help others. He has done this since day one. He doesn't know how to be moderate in this respect. Some people take advantage of it, some people recognize it and appreciate it but don't overuse his generous nature. But regardless of what others do or do not do, he is always the same. Doing entirely too much for others while ignoring himself.

I'm not angry with any of his family, I'm just hoping he doesn't burn himself out completely. He told me he was sleepy when he called me this evening. Told me all of the things he took care of for his dad today. Said he planned on sleeping for a good 15 hours, he was so tired.

I found myself getting impatient to tell him what I've been up to. Update him on the work situation and my damn silly foot that refuses to work properly. I start to tell him all of these things and I hear a soft breathing... He's fallen asleep! I listen and I hear the breathing go from soft to heavy and deep. I haven't heard him sleep in 10 days.

I think to myself, how comforting, I really miss his presence around me... I put the phone on speaker, lay it on my chest (I'm lying with said damned leg propped up) and continue g+ing and wondering about how I'm going to go about the rest of my week. The deep breathing is comforting to me, knowing he's finally getting rest.

I make myself feel better by telling myself it must have been the soothing sound of my voice that lulled him to sleep. It's a nice thought. Then his deep breathing turns to spurts of breath and here come the snores. I shake my head and remember why it is I wear earplugs to bed. The phone cuts off into static and I hang up.

Considering when it is Important to Shut the Hell Up

As an adult, when is it time to stop being completely honest with family members?

I'd like to be honest and frank with my feelings to my grandmother, in regards to her daughter, my aunt. I will be spending time with grandma this weekend and I know she's going to ask me, and I know what I'd like to say. I'd like to say what I really feel, which is all kinds of negativity.

But what purpose does that serve? Is it better just to swallow these feelings, or tell them to someone else like a boyfriend or sister? My grandmother probably already suspects all of this. She seems sad, defeated, when talking to me about her own child. I've just never seen the lovely daughter up close and personal for quite some time.

Anyway when she asked me over the phone a couple days ago, I just kept it light and casual. I did not go overboard and say it was so great, just said it was fine, and I changed the subject as quickly as I could.

But in person...I really feel inclined to mull over this. I can learn a lot about how not to be. And I am a talker when around people I know I can speak openly with. So should I converse on this topic with my grandmother or not!? My head says don't do it. It's not worth it. She knows her daughter is a piece of shit and more than that, why would I want to spend my time with my grandmother talking about a complete asshole?

I don't want to do that. I'd rather soothe my grandma's questions about my life with calming answers. When she asks me about work I'd rather tell her how I have so many opportunities lined up.

It's just not worth spending our time together talking about another person, whether I'm learning life lessons from them or not.